That didn't take long.
My instincts are good.
Never get out of the boat.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Something Bad Is About To Happen
I'll know more in the next 2 days, but it will only verify what I already feel deep down. Some things I just know and this is one of them.
"Great news" means "bad news" for me. And, of course, only after there had been this wonderful ray of hope.
There is a lesson to be learned here and I refuse to finish this without first recognizing and understanding it.
"Great news" means "bad news" for me. And, of course, only after there had been this wonderful ray of hope.
There is a lesson to be learned here and I refuse to finish this without first recognizing and understanding it.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Done
And so it is...
It is what it is.
Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.
It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).
There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?
And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.
I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.
Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.
It is what it is.
Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.
It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).
There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?
And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.
I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.
Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
So This Is Where I'm At
2:15am in the beautiful house. Royksopp playing a song you've never heard as I type away. Tumbler of Macallen next to the keyboard. Now WinAmp has jumped to my favorite song of all time, another song which you will never know. I won't reveal it here... that would be pointless now... and it makes me sad to know that I'll never share it with you. I remember when I looked forward to sharing all my favorite things in life with you. And then...
Home from a night that I was looking forward to more than I've looked forward to anything in a long time. 6 years as a matter of fact. I knew that the others that came along during those years wouldn't shake you from my branches. This is different. This has... had... has... had... has... had...(I can't fucking tell after tonight) the potential to free me of you.
I'm completely upside down, sideways and inverse ballistic. In my life I've been sad. I've been lost. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've been insecure. I've been violent. I've been beautiful. I've been suicidal. I've been at peace. Right now I'm none of those things... but I have never been as confused as I am at this moment.
It only seemed fitting to run to the one woman who has remained in my life while others have come and gone. (but only because I pushed them out due to the fact that I'm never going to be 100% over you and simply can't get over the last 2% that's left)
I'm doing this better than I've ever done it. Butterflies instead of spiders (you won't get that reference, only Ang would). The pace has been perfect. I have mitigated the roller coaster during the in-between moments as much as possible. But still, here I am.
I'm totally fucking up. Losing perspective on the 4/5ths... concentrating on the 1/5th that is missing. The 1/5 that is the drug. The 1/5 that can feel like a good ticket to the show. The 1/5th that you filled. And you were exactly like a drug. Being near you was like X.
I so desperately want to be free of want. "I want to not want" I said... to the ex ex... a woman who knew she would never own my heart like you did... but put up with it anyway.
I'm trying very hard (Rico) to live in the here and now. To just enjoy the moment for what it is... to expect and demand absolutlely nothing more than the precious moments it affords me... but I know I'm on the knife edge now. If I take one more step I'm going to enter the dangerous territory. The minefield I ran full speed into when you were in my life, ran into like a stupid, blind, blissful child.
The question is... when I pose the question... the query of whether or not this worth my time... if when I pose that question I am given the answer I do not want to hear... will I have learned my lesson, get up from the table and walk away? (walk away carrying the flowers I brought with me... and so I ask you the question... do you remember what color they were?)
Home from a night that I was looking forward to more than I've looked forward to anything in a long time. 6 years as a matter of fact. I knew that the others that came along during those years wouldn't shake you from my branches. This is different. This has... had... has... had... has... had...(I can't fucking tell after tonight) the potential to free me of you.
I'm completely upside down, sideways and inverse ballistic. In my life I've been sad. I've been lost. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've been insecure. I've been violent. I've been beautiful. I've been suicidal. I've been at peace. Right now I'm none of those things... but I have never been as confused as I am at this moment.
It only seemed fitting to run to the one woman who has remained in my life while others have come and gone. (but only because I pushed them out due to the fact that I'm never going to be 100% over you and simply can't get over the last 2% that's left)
I'm doing this better than I've ever done it. Butterflies instead of spiders (you won't get that reference, only Ang would). The pace has been perfect. I have mitigated the roller coaster during the in-between moments as much as possible. But still, here I am.
I'm totally fucking up. Losing perspective on the 4/5ths... concentrating on the 1/5th that is missing. The 1/5 that is the drug. The 1/5 that can feel like a good ticket to the show. The 1/5th that you filled. And you were exactly like a drug. Being near you was like X.
I so desperately want to be free of want. "I want to not want" I said... to the ex ex... a woman who knew she would never own my heart like you did... but put up with it anyway.
I'm trying very hard (Rico) to live in the here and now. To just enjoy the moment for what it is... to expect and demand absolutlely nothing more than the precious moments it affords me... but I know I'm on the knife edge now. If I take one more step I'm going to enter the dangerous territory. The minefield I ran full speed into when you were in my life, ran into like a stupid, blind, blissful child.
The question is... when I pose the question... the query of whether or not this worth my time... if when I pose that question I am given the answer I do not want to hear... will I have learned my lesson, get up from the table and walk away? (walk away carrying the flowers I brought with me... and so I ask you the question... do you remember what color they were?)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Spun
"It's all fun and games until you meet someone that actually has potential."
I have been around me long enough to know what is happening, where things are leading and what I can expect. That is the reason why I can say, without a doubt, I have started down a path that is going to end in tears.
I am thoroughly spun.
I mentioned this a couple of posts ago... and now things are moving forward.
Like it was with you, there is someone that I've been crushing on for a while. Recently, with the aid of friends, I managed to find an "in" and start a dialog with her. This led to a lunch date, which was canceled and postponed multiple times due to our busy schedules. Today we finally managed to meet up.
She's very attractive (to me anyway, very much the "exotic" look that melts me... you're familiar with the type... heh) and this was a key reason I was sure that we wouldn't "click". The odds of everything lining up are very slim, so I assumed that she would have no brain, no personality or at best have views that are so distant from mine that I would never be able to suffer them.
I will now digress. As I perform my current juggling act, the one thing that makes it very easy and very enjoyable is the knowledge that none of the women I'm involved with (currently 5) has the possibility of being anything significant in my life. It isn't that they are bad people or that I don't like them. In fact I find them to be very enjoyable in various ways, each bringing me a subtly different shade of happiness. The reasons for the inability to be anything substantial is varied... their ages, their future plans, their long-term desires for life, etc. So I'm living in the here and now and will let them come and go from my life as whim or circumstance suits them.
That is why it works. I am not attached, have no desire to form any attachment and am doing a bang up job of compartmentalizing the various aspects of my life so that my romantic endeavors have little-to-no impact on everything else.
And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...
...and all I could think was "Shit. This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked."
So here I am. Not deep in it yet, but knowing that I'm going to go there. Knowing that I'm not going to push it aside but rather pursue it until it breaks me down. It isn't about having to give up the rest of my little games. It's the knowledge that I happily will, that I'm going to do the same thing I always do. I'm not going to step aside now, which would be the best thing for everyone. No, I'm going to follow through. I can never leave anything alone, never let anything go unknown. It's what kept me from getting up from the table at Ferrari's when you said you were leaving. It's what made me want to spend every single minute with you before you left. It's what tortured me for years after you were gone (and still lingers at times, usually when I go to the show): The Not Knowing.
I'm going to embrace the hope and run with it all the way to the tragic end.
One of two things is going to happen: It will either end quickly, or it will go for a short while and then implode, taking me with it. If it ends quickly it will be another disappointment and a sting that I'll need a few weeks to forget. If it goes for a while... well then, the crash is proportional to how long it lasts, as my hope climbs with each shared moment.
Unlike every other time in my life, this isn't about someone coming to bring in the light, to "save" me. I'm blissfully happy most of the time now, I don't want, nor do I need to be saved. But what this is is a chance to spend time with someone that is very enjoyable, to spend minutes of my life in ways that seem worthwhile and not wasteful. It's always difficult to know that there are people out there with whom I can spend moments that way... and not get to. Finding them is hard, but then being deprived of the enjoyment they can bring... well, that borders on criminal. :)
(Remember, I said in my very first post that I would over-dramatize things here... well, this is definitely one of those occasions)
This is all a long, pessimistic, melodramatic way of saying that I've stumbled across someone that I simply can't ignore. And that has always been my undoing. :(
I've posted this one before, but it is very apropos today
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I have been around me long enough to know what is happening, where things are leading and what I can expect. That is the reason why I can say, without a doubt, I have started down a path that is going to end in tears.
I am thoroughly spun.
I mentioned this a couple of posts ago... and now things are moving forward.
Like it was with you, there is someone that I've been crushing on for a while. Recently, with the aid of friends, I managed to find an "in" and start a dialog with her. This led to a lunch date, which was canceled and postponed multiple times due to our busy schedules. Today we finally managed to meet up.
She's very attractive (to me anyway, very much the "exotic" look that melts me... you're familiar with the type... heh) and this was a key reason I was sure that we wouldn't "click". The odds of everything lining up are very slim, so I assumed that she would have no brain, no personality or at best have views that are so distant from mine that I would never be able to suffer them.
I will now digress. As I perform my current juggling act, the one thing that makes it very easy and very enjoyable is the knowledge that none of the women I'm involved with (currently 5) has the possibility of being anything significant in my life. It isn't that they are bad people or that I don't like them. In fact I find them to be very enjoyable in various ways, each bringing me a subtly different shade of happiness. The reasons for the inability to be anything substantial is varied... their ages, their future plans, their long-term desires for life, etc. So I'm living in the here and now and will let them come and go from my life as whim or circumstance suits them.
That is why it works. I am not attached, have no desire to form any attachment and am doing a bang up job of compartmentalizing the various aspects of my life so that my romantic endeavors have little-to-no impact on everything else.
And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...
...and all I could think was "Shit. This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked."
So here I am. Not deep in it yet, but knowing that I'm going to go there. Knowing that I'm not going to push it aside but rather pursue it until it breaks me down. It isn't about having to give up the rest of my little games. It's the knowledge that I happily will, that I'm going to do the same thing I always do. I'm not going to step aside now, which would be the best thing for everyone. No, I'm going to follow through. I can never leave anything alone, never let anything go unknown. It's what kept me from getting up from the table at Ferrari's when you said you were leaving. It's what made me want to spend every single minute with you before you left. It's what tortured me for years after you were gone (and still lingers at times, usually when I go to the show): The Not Knowing.
I'm going to embrace the hope and run with it all the way to the tragic end.
One of two things is going to happen: It will either end quickly, or it will go for a short while and then implode, taking me with it. If it ends quickly it will be another disappointment and a sting that I'll need a few weeks to forget. If it goes for a while... well then, the crash is proportional to how long it lasts, as my hope climbs with each shared moment.
Unlike every other time in my life, this isn't about someone coming to bring in the light, to "save" me. I'm blissfully happy most of the time now, I don't want, nor do I need to be saved. But what this is is a chance to spend time with someone that is very enjoyable, to spend minutes of my life in ways that seem worthwhile and not wasteful. It's always difficult to know that there are people out there with whom I can spend moments that way... and not get to. Finding them is hard, but then being deprived of the enjoyment they can bring... well, that borders on criminal. :)
(Remember, I said in my very first post that I would over-dramatize things here... well, this is definitely one of those occasions)
This is all a long, pessimistic, melodramatic way of saying that I've stumbled across someone that I simply can't ignore. And that has always been my undoing. :(
I've posted this one before, but it is very apropos today
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
The Power of Making Someone Come
Currently I'm a clown. A clown that is juggling 5 things... all the while trying to get even more balls in the air.2 of these things are interestingly opposed. Text messages to one are long, detailed, playful, flirtatious and sweet. But our time face to face is awkward and slightly strained. Time face to face with the other is very affectionate, playful, enjoyable and warm. But texts are short, curt and somewhat stoic. It shows either the stark delineation between how different people have different comfort levels with anonymity vs. real contact... or that the quality of a person's technology makes a big difference in how easy it is for them to convey emotion. Heh.
I'm sleeping with one of them and I realize there is a specific quality to it that intensifies everything for me. I make her come.
Before I go down that road... I'll rewind a bit. My last two relationships involved no orgasms for my partners during sex (of any kind). One of them could only do it herself (but not in the presence of another person) and the other couldn't at all (Not just with me, with anyone). I hadn't realized until now just how important that really is for me to be happy sexually.
I've had people who did an incredible job of rocking my shit in the sack. They would go to great lengths to make me happy... but I can now look back and see that if I couldn't make them come then all that effort resulted in a fairly lackluster feeling for me. I definitely get a serious sense of sexual satisfaction from being able to give my partner satisfaction.
I can't speak assuredly about us, but I believe that I was able to make you come. With my hands, my mouth and when I was inside you. We never really discussed it, but the ways your body moved and the sounds you made had me fairly certain I was getting you to where you wanted to be. And, until recently, that was the last time I was with someone that I clicked with to that extent sexually.
It has me thinking back even farther and realizing that my only truly satisfying sexual relationships were ones where I could give orgasms left and right. And it wasn't something that had to be "worked on" over time. It was like it was with you. Within the first 2-3 times of sleeping together I was able to make the person come any way I wanted to, repeatedly.
It has also made me realize that was a strong reason for the "death" of my sex drive that I felt had been coming over me. I find myself thinking about it more and anticipating it now, looking forward to it. For a long time it has felt like this hollow effort with little reward. I see now that was because no matter how powerfully someone gets me off, it pales in comparison to the rush of making the other person come.
To be clear, this isn't because I'm suddenly having sex again, I've been having sex steadily during the last few years, in some fantastic places, sometimes enhanced by incredible chemicals... but not in a very satisfying way.
The situation I'm in won't last. The balls will eventually get away from me, and that's fine. The last thing I want is anything long-term. The best thing that will result from all of this is the nice feeling returning that I am good at it... I've just been with the wrong partners. :)
Sunday, July 6, 2008
That Thing...
Front (click for full res)
Rear (click for full res)
Inner (click for full res)Again, I'm doing that thing that I do which is due to that thing you do to me. (heh, that was fun)
It's been a while since I mixed a CD. After our convo last week about music and how trance/house just never quite gets you there, I decided to put a new disc together. It's been a couple of years and there is some great music that has come my way in that time. I picked tracks that really drove to the heart of my feelings right after you left, during the years I spent trying to sort it all out in my head and heart, and now that we have come to the place we currently are.
Once the mix is complete I'll give you a link so that you can drop it on your iPod. I'll also give some explanation then, but for now you can see the cover/liner art and probably get a feel for the mood of it all. It's now the third disc inspired by us and the feelings that I carry from that. So, in the vain of the "basically, it's perfect" conversation with my friend, I continue to use what we are as a sort of muse for my creative endeavors. We will never be what I wanted us to be and the reality of the now is so far from the way I have you packaged in my head, but that's good. It allows me to feed off of it from time to time and in the end, although I don't have what I wanted, I'm left with beautiful artworks that will outlast any romances, infatuations or other variations of my heart's desire.
Life is so completely insane right now. I would go into details, but it will only color me in a way that I'd prefer not to do here (or specifically, in your mind). My social life is over the top, there are a multitude of romantic entanglements, I'm still feeling the fallout from the night of "The Betrayer", I'm having an incredibly good time but fearful that I'm generating horrible karma, etc. etc. etc. Basically I'm eating up everything I can, but I feel separated from it all. As if I'm watching it from the outside, detached. I know the reasons why. Put simply, it's because I am in no way emotionally involved in any of it. It's a fun time, it's an exciting ride, but ultimately other people are playing with real money whereas all my bets are placed with bills from a Monopoly game. To me this is all fun, a period of play and distraction. I know that other people in the game are playing for keeps, for real... and I worry that it could all end very badly. But it's difficult to walk away... not just because the ride is enjoyable, but as a reaction to the fact that I've spent my entire life overly invested emotionally. I think I'm swinging the pendulum, probably too far, to a place where I can just be... without it having an effect on me emotionally. Basically I feel like I'm closer to being how everyone else in the world is. Which sucks. But being myself in these situations only served to make me miserable, so I'll see how this plays out and learn from it. There will be tears, but they won't be mine... at least not initially.
Tonight I had dinner with a couple of old friends and some great new friends. The new friends were talking about how they met, their courtship, etc. They described 9 hour dates, conversations that would never end and the intense longing and power of knowing that they were with the person they wanted to be with forever. It was as if they were trying to convey something to me, to the wild, single party boy friend of theirs... and all I could think was "No explanation required".
No show this weekend. I had too much going on and couldn't fit it in. Shows what a crazy life I'm living at the moment when even a 3-day weekend doesn't give me enough time to find "the only bliss that I know won't end".
Sunday, June 22, 2008
My Life is Now Officially a Bad Fucking Sit-Com
I love my new phone (HTC Mogul), but I will forever refer to it as "The Betrayer".
Last Friday was a *great* day. I read somewhere that a pseudo-scientist had worked out this formula and determined that last Friday (6/20/2008) was the "Happiest Day of the Year" for people. It had to do with the season, proximity to other holidays (like the 4th of July) etc, etc. It's bullshit, but an interesting concept. I mean, the same day can't be the best of the year for everyone. What if last Friday was the day someone's mother died? Pretty sure that's not the best day for them... but maybe for most people it is. So I sort of kept the idea in the back of my mind and tried to gauge how well my day went.
It was incredible.
Then it was a tragedy.
I already had a date lined up. The product of a fantastic night out clubbing with a friend who now has Epic Wingman Status A#1™. I was looking forward to it for days and it was coming together after a frustrating weekend of not being able to sync up with her the week before.
(I will now point out that I realize all my "happy" moments from the day are centered around women and that I continue to be a fucking addict who really needs a 12 step program. I'm aware I have a problem, I admit it, and that's the first step. Heh)
For Friday's lunch, I went for sushi with a couple of female friends. Our waitress was killer cute. But before I could step up to ask for her number (learning lessons from not stepping up at Pangaea - the subject from a couple of posts ago - and missing the killer cute asian, I'm not ever letting that happen again) my friends slipped her my number without me even knowing. Before we left I actually did make the move but she had a BF... they always do... she was very flattered and thanked me for letting her know (or actually, my friends letting her know, without my knowledge) how cute I found her to be.
It felt good to actually be stepping up, but I was aware that it was like looking for a job when you already have one, much easier to be confident because of the safety net. The fact that I was set to meet a cutie latina later that day made it all easier.
Anyway. then the next thing...
There's someone that I've been crushing on at work for months. I would see her repeatedly, but she was always coming/going to/from a different building, not someone I actually had any opportunity to interact with. Then, out of the blue, at a team lunch a few weeks ago she shows up and sits down with the group. Turns out she works peripherally with my group and I didn't know.
When I was at the sushi lunch she came into the restaurant for lunch at the same time.
It was as if fate was doing that thing it did to me with you, screaming "Idiot, I'm putting her in your eyeline repeatedly for a reason."
So, when I got back to the office I made it my mission to finally step up. After all, it was starting to look like I was going for a record of how many women I could ask out in one day. Heh.
Anytime I would go by her desk she was always on the phone... busy girl. So my female friends suggested something stupid that would never work. That I head downstairs to the starbucks in our building, but 2 lattes and give her one with my number on it. Totally weak plan.
It worked.
Within 10 minutes I had an email thanking me for the coffee, which unfortunately she doesn't drink, and a note that we should get together sometime.
Holy shit.
So now I'm blissfully high on my drug of choice, with great things still waiting later in the evening. It really was a great day. Not the best this year... because buying the house and a couple of nights at the show (especially sex at the show) are pretty hard to beat. But still it was a contender.
And then it got better.
After the tragic date I had 2 weeks ago it wouldn't take much for someone to shine, but the date that night was surprisingly, fantastically great. Constant laughs, surprisingly similar viewpoints, etc etc etc. I'll avoid the fact that she's even younger than you.... uhhh.. yeah, as young as you were when we went out... but I know that nothing I get involved in is going to last too long anyway, so at the very most it could be a nice little short-lived romance.
Now, the best 3 dates of my life all belong to you. And I'd love to meet the person to dethrone you on that one, but it simply hasn't happened... in any case, this night slipped right in behind those 3. It wasn't "shut the restaurant down after 5 hours of conversation" good, but it was really damned good.
When it was over I walked past the lit storefronts of the little pseudo-Dallas shopping/eatery mall on a cloud. Smiling so big that it made my face hurt.
It was still early... 10ish... and I was so fueled on the incredible day that I wanted to keep eating it up, taking bite after bite out of the world and riding the momentum of what really was turning into a phenomenal 24 hours.
I texted every friend I had, but they are all lame asses and there was no continued fun to be had. No clubbing, no dancing, no laughing. just a quiet spin down. And I'm stuck trying to push out of my mind the fact that I couldn't wait to spend time with her again.
And then I got the voice mail.
I'll now digress and explain that over the last few months my ex-ex and I have been spending lots of time together. I enjoy having her in my life as a friend, but I was aware that it was a complicated and delicate balance to maintain. Over the last few weeks she had been pushing it further and further, figuring that over time if she stayed in the picture we would end up as a couple again by default. But the simple fact is I still don't want a serious relationship with anyone and even if I did, I just don't feel the passion for her that I need to feel to be in a relationship with someone.
And here's where the ugliness begins.
There was a friend coming into town for the night from San Antonio and a group of ATX friends (including the ex-ex) were going to meet up with her. I told them I had another thing planned (the date, unknown to the ex-ex) but would try to meet up with the group later.
The ex-ex texted me at some point during my date, letting me know where they were so that I could meet up once I was free.
This is where the ludicrous sit-com shit begins.
Apparently when the text came through, a button got pushed on my phone in my pocket to call the number back. This calls the ex-ex, who doesn't answer, cause she's in a loud bar, so it goes to voice mail... where a message is left from inside my pocket relaying 5-10 minutes of my conversation with my date.
FUCK. ME.
Now, the ex-ex and I aren't dating, aren't involved, aren't committed, etc etc... but obviously... it's complicated. The last thing she wants to hear is a flirtatious conversation between me and some little latina chippie.
The "Great Day" train has now gone off the tracks.
So as I was walking away from the date, smiling, on a cloud, the ex-ex was listening repeatedly to this voicemail of my conversation. The laughter, the flirting, the obvious attraction. The happiest day of the year was about to unravel in epic scale.
Again, there is really no reason why the ex-ex can legitimately be upset, but obviously the last thing she wants to hear is me diving headlong into someone with an attraction that I don't feel for her. And, more importantly, I've tried to be respectful of her feelings and the last thing I would want to do is subject her to torture like that. I wouldn't want to hear that shit if I felt that way about someone (I immediately think of how I wouldn't want to hear you in a similar situation). Plus the karma of it all scares the shit out of me.
There's lots more to the story, but in the end the ex-ex has taken the brunt of it, is backing off as gracefully as possible and an attempt to meet up with the latina on the following night failed, leaving me spun. I'm failing on my second resolution for the year, to not complicate my life.
I really hate that even though I know, without a hint of a shadow of a doubt that these situations will only make me miserable in the end, I can't stop pursuing them. If it weren't so late I'd go to the show to make it all much more pleasant.
Heheh. My life.
Last Friday was a *great* day. I read somewhere that a pseudo-scientist had worked out this formula and determined that last Friday (6/20/2008) was the "Happiest Day of the Year" for people. It had to do with the season, proximity to other holidays (like the 4th of July) etc, etc. It's bullshit, but an interesting concept. I mean, the same day can't be the best of the year for everyone. What if last Friday was the day someone's mother died? Pretty sure that's not the best day for them... but maybe for most people it is. So I sort of kept the idea in the back of my mind and tried to gauge how well my day went.
It was incredible.
Then it was a tragedy.
I already had a date lined up. The product of a fantastic night out clubbing with a friend who now has Epic Wingman Status A#1™. I was looking forward to it for days and it was coming together after a frustrating weekend of not being able to sync up with her the week before.
(I will now point out that I realize all my "happy" moments from the day are centered around women and that I continue to be a fucking addict who really needs a 12 step program. I'm aware I have a problem, I admit it, and that's the first step. Heh)
For Friday's lunch, I went for sushi with a couple of female friends. Our waitress was killer cute. But before I could step up to ask for her number (learning lessons from not stepping up at Pangaea - the subject from a couple of posts ago - and missing the killer cute asian, I'm not ever letting that happen again) my friends slipped her my number without me even knowing. Before we left I actually did make the move but she had a BF... they always do... she was very flattered and thanked me for letting her know (or actually, my friends letting her know, without my knowledge) how cute I found her to be.
It felt good to actually be stepping up, but I was aware that it was like looking for a job when you already have one, much easier to be confident because of the safety net. The fact that I was set to meet a cutie latina later that day made it all easier.
Anyway. then the next thing...
There's someone that I've been crushing on at work for months. I would see her repeatedly, but she was always coming/going to/from a different building, not someone I actually had any opportunity to interact with. Then, out of the blue, at a team lunch a few weeks ago she shows up and sits down with the group. Turns out she works peripherally with my group and I didn't know.
When I was at the sushi lunch she came into the restaurant for lunch at the same time.
It was as if fate was doing that thing it did to me with you, screaming "Idiot, I'm putting her in your eyeline repeatedly for a reason."
So, when I got back to the office I made it my mission to finally step up. After all, it was starting to look like I was going for a record of how many women I could ask out in one day. Heh.
Anytime I would go by her desk she was always on the phone... busy girl. So my female friends suggested something stupid that would never work. That I head downstairs to the starbucks in our building, but 2 lattes and give her one with my number on it. Totally weak plan.
It worked.
Within 10 minutes I had an email thanking me for the coffee, which unfortunately she doesn't drink, and a note that we should get together sometime.
Holy shit.
So now I'm blissfully high on my drug of choice, with great things still waiting later in the evening. It really was a great day. Not the best this year... because buying the house and a couple of nights at the show (especially sex at the show) are pretty hard to beat. But still it was a contender.
And then it got better.
After the tragic date I had 2 weeks ago it wouldn't take much for someone to shine, but the date that night was surprisingly, fantastically great. Constant laughs, surprisingly similar viewpoints, etc etc etc. I'll avoid the fact that she's even younger than you.... uhhh.. yeah, as young as you were when we went out... but I know that nothing I get involved in is going to last too long anyway, so at the very most it could be a nice little short-lived romance.
Now, the best 3 dates of my life all belong to you. And I'd love to meet the person to dethrone you on that one, but it simply hasn't happened... in any case, this night slipped right in behind those 3. It wasn't "shut the restaurant down after 5 hours of conversation" good, but it was really damned good.
When it was over I walked past the lit storefronts of the little pseudo-Dallas shopping/eatery mall on a cloud. Smiling so big that it made my face hurt.
It was still early... 10ish... and I was so fueled on the incredible day that I wanted to keep eating it up, taking bite after bite out of the world and riding the momentum of what really was turning into a phenomenal 24 hours.
I texted every friend I had, but they are all lame asses and there was no continued fun to be had. No clubbing, no dancing, no laughing. just a quiet spin down. And I'm stuck trying to push out of my mind the fact that I couldn't wait to spend time with her again.
And then I got the voice mail.
I'll now digress and explain that over the last few months my ex-ex and I have been spending lots of time together. I enjoy having her in my life as a friend, but I was aware that it was a complicated and delicate balance to maintain. Over the last few weeks she had been pushing it further and further, figuring that over time if she stayed in the picture we would end up as a couple again by default. But the simple fact is I still don't want a serious relationship with anyone and even if I did, I just don't feel the passion for her that I need to feel to be in a relationship with someone.
And here's where the ugliness begins.
There was a friend coming into town for the night from San Antonio and a group of ATX friends (including the ex-ex) were going to meet up with her. I told them I had another thing planned (the date, unknown to the ex-ex) but would try to meet up with the group later.
The ex-ex texted me at some point during my date, letting me know where they were so that I could meet up once I was free.
This is where the ludicrous sit-com shit begins.
Apparently when the text came through, a button got pushed on my phone in my pocket to call the number back. This calls the ex-ex, who doesn't answer, cause she's in a loud bar, so it goes to voice mail... where a message is left from inside my pocket relaying 5-10 minutes of my conversation with my date.
FUCK. ME.
Now, the ex-ex and I aren't dating, aren't involved, aren't committed, etc etc... but obviously... it's complicated. The last thing she wants to hear is a flirtatious conversation between me and some little latina chippie.
The "Great Day" train has now gone off the tracks.
So as I was walking away from the date, smiling, on a cloud, the ex-ex was listening repeatedly to this voicemail of my conversation. The laughter, the flirting, the obvious attraction. The happiest day of the year was about to unravel in epic scale.
Again, there is really no reason why the ex-ex can legitimately be upset, but obviously the last thing she wants to hear is me diving headlong into someone with an attraction that I don't feel for her. And, more importantly, I've tried to be respectful of her feelings and the last thing I would want to do is subject her to torture like that. I wouldn't want to hear that shit if I felt that way about someone (I immediately think of how I wouldn't want to hear you in a similar situation). Plus the karma of it all scares the shit out of me.
There's lots more to the story, but in the end the ex-ex has taken the brunt of it, is backing off as gracefully as possible and an attempt to meet up with the latina on the following night failed, leaving me spun. I'm failing on my second resolution for the year, to not complicate my life.
I really hate that even though I know, without a hint of a shadow of a doubt that these situations will only make me miserable in the end, I can't stop pursuing them. If it weren't so late I'd go to the show to make it all much more pleasant.
Heheh. My life.
Friday, June 6, 2008
I Refuse To Be Reduced To This
First, when you read that headline, make sure you picture me smiling, laughing, barely able to contain myself. That's how it's meant to be taken, not in some bitter, angry way that it might come across.
And now, I will begin my story.
Basically in the world around us we sometimes encounter men (and women when the situation is reversed) who are known as "That Guy™". Last night I was "That Guy™"
My friends who have more tolerance and less foresight than myself often share great stories of horrible dates they've been on and the atrocious behaviors that leave a permanent impression. I've never really had such experiences. I attribute that to my lack of ability to deal with the slightest amount of bullshit, therefore avoiding situations and people who I can see early on are going to do nothing but waste my time. Much like my last post, I failed once again.
My neighbor, a sweet, slightly-older woman, was talking to me in the yard one evening and I mentioned how I tend to date asian women. She sort of perked up and asked "Oh really?". She then explained how she had a friend who is exactly my age, very attractive and surprisingly single. The flag immediately goes up. Anyone worth having would have been taken long ago. I mean, I look at my single self and know that I'm on my own because I'm more than most can deal with, with 0% tolerance for dealing with others. So it makes sense.
But a few days later she stops by and asks if she can email her friend about me, introduce us this way. I agree. After a couple of emails the friend and I decide to have lunch. It goes okay. She's much more attractive than I would have imagined, but a little... dense. She's more conservative than I know will work for me... and she's got a bit too much of the "daddy's little princess" entitlement thing going on. I dealt with that in one relationship and I won't ever do it again, so I can already see that this isn't going to go anywhere serious.
Lunch ends and we decide to catch a movie later in the week. I figure I'll at least try to be nice, friendly and maybe make a new friend, etc. But since I'm still not all that interested in making any effort to be involved in anything serious I figure at most it'll be a nice way to have a dinner companion from time to time.
So, the week goes by, a couple of emails and plans for the movie are made. I really wanted to see the new Tarsem Singh film The Fall. It was just released after over 2 years of waiting and is supposed to be gorgeous. He also did The Cell, which sucked for a story, but was incredibly beautiful to watch. I figured at the very least it would be eye candy and help to take my mind off of some stress that's building up at work and in my side business. I just wanted a nice, relaxing night out to clear my head and watch a movie.
We decide on dinner first. I pick her up at her place after work and we're off to eat Chinese and have a cocktail before the movie. She is absolutely stunning. She was dressed rather reserved during our lunch, but for dinner she is completely to the 9's. Surprising, since she is rather conservative, but I can't possibly complain about a woman looking good.
Dinner is nice, we chat, laugh, etc. But all the while I'm sort of keeping this counter for all the times she makes comments that expose the over-inflated sense of entitlement and unattractive "I'm the shit and everyone just wishes they were good enough to have me" attitude. It isn't bad enough to completely turn me off, but enough that I continue to think "Yeah, I can't imagine spending any serious about of time with this person". But, like I said, I at least figured I'd get to relax and see a beautiful film.
So, we're off to the movie. We get there right on time, get decent seats and it's underway.
And then it starts...
It turns out that she's one of those people who likes to make comments boldly about what she is seeing or what is happening in the movie. I immediately begin to sink into my seat.
I'm the type of person that tries to be as respectful of other people as possible, especially when I'm out in public. I shut my mouth when I'm at the movies, make sure the phone is off, etc. And I'm usually the one shushing idiots who discuss the movie in progress at full volume as if they are in their own living room. I really can't stand inconsiderate people, especially in those situations.
So here I am, next to a person who is dressed all hot, obviously thinks she's the shit (so much so that she is alone because she has yet to find the man who is "worthy" of her) making comments to the movie loudly enough that everyone can hear, some of them turning and looking over their shoulders in irritation.
Here I am... That Guy. The guy who is obviously such a tool that he associates with bubble-headed trophy girls. The guy who is obviously such a slave to his penis that he'll overlook what a totally socially inept person he is with as long as she looks good.
Only I'm not That Guy, but as far as everyone else in the theater was concerned, I was.
I so wanted to move a few seats down the row.
And then it gets better.
The visuals start to swirl and paint beautiful metaphors across the screen. Pain through the mind of a child is illustrated fantastically. Singh is fantastic.
Then she announces "This movie is WIERD!"
I hear people snicker at her idiocy.
Jesus.
It's amazing to me how people like that have no sense of themselves. They assume that everyone around them couldn't possibly have a reason to complain about anything they do, therefore they have no tact, no self-awareness and no remorse.
At some point the movie starts to get intense. Nothing gory or sexual or anything like that. Just people having to endure some pain and suffering. The things we all have to face as we go through life as adults.
And that's when she says it...
"I don't think I can handle this"
and she gets up, grabs her purse and leaves.
What. The. Fuck.
I, of course, have no choice but to follow her, take her home, etc etc. She apologizes the entire time, but it's easy to see that what her apologies mean isn't "I'm sorry I can't handle that" but rather "I'm sorry that there are people who film things like that and think it's okay... and that there are people (like you) who want to watch them."
Uhhhh... again.. it wasn't anything lewd, disgusting, in bad taste, revolting, pornographic, etc. It was just people having to deal with the unpleasantness of life... only told through the eyes of a child with incredible imagery and wonder. I can't wait to one day see how it actually fucking ends!
And that's when I realized. In the world of this infantile, daddy's little girl princess, she doesn't have to face difficult things or deal with the pain and responsibility that are part of being an adult so voluntarily watching a film about it was simply more than her little dollhouse could bear.
I simply can't imagine how anyone gets to be my age and manages to dodge responsibility enough to never face the reality of life and the world around us. It must be wonderful to skate through life shielded from everything unpleasant, someone else doing the dirty work while she views everything through a filter of pretty pink happiness.
Amazing.
So, back to the original point of all this. I absolutely refuse to be reduced to being That Guy™. I'm not an obnoxious, spoiled, infantile idiot and I refuse to be lumped in with one by association. It's going to take me a while to find the nerve to go on another date after that, because it's hard to see the point in wasting precious time if that's the best the world can throw my way. Heh.
And now, I will begin my story.
Basically in the world around us we sometimes encounter men (and women when the situation is reversed) who are known as "That Guy™". Last night I was "That Guy™"
My friends who have more tolerance and less foresight than myself often share great stories of horrible dates they've been on and the atrocious behaviors that leave a permanent impression. I've never really had such experiences. I attribute that to my lack of ability to deal with the slightest amount of bullshit, therefore avoiding situations and people who I can see early on are going to do nothing but waste my time. Much like my last post, I failed once again.
My neighbor, a sweet, slightly-older woman, was talking to me in the yard one evening and I mentioned how I tend to date asian women. She sort of perked up and asked "Oh really?". She then explained how she had a friend who is exactly my age, very attractive and surprisingly single. The flag immediately goes up. Anyone worth having would have been taken long ago. I mean, I look at my single self and know that I'm on my own because I'm more than most can deal with, with 0% tolerance for dealing with others. So it makes sense.
But a few days later she stops by and asks if she can email her friend about me, introduce us this way. I agree. After a couple of emails the friend and I decide to have lunch. It goes okay. She's much more attractive than I would have imagined, but a little... dense. She's more conservative than I know will work for me... and she's got a bit too much of the "daddy's little princess" entitlement thing going on. I dealt with that in one relationship and I won't ever do it again, so I can already see that this isn't going to go anywhere serious.
Lunch ends and we decide to catch a movie later in the week. I figure I'll at least try to be nice, friendly and maybe make a new friend, etc. But since I'm still not all that interested in making any effort to be involved in anything serious I figure at most it'll be a nice way to have a dinner companion from time to time.
So, the week goes by, a couple of emails and plans for the movie are made. I really wanted to see the new Tarsem Singh film The Fall. It was just released after over 2 years of waiting and is supposed to be gorgeous. He also did The Cell, which sucked for a story, but was incredibly beautiful to watch. I figured at the very least it would be eye candy and help to take my mind off of some stress that's building up at work and in my side business. I just wanted a nice, relaxing night out to clear my head and watch a movie.
We decide on dinner first. I pick her up at her place after work and we're off to eat Chinese and have a cocktail before the movie. She is absolutely stunning. She was dressed rather reserved during our lunch, but for dinner she is completely to the 9's. Surprising, since she is rather conservative, but I can't possibly complain about a woman looking good.
Dinner is nice, we chat, laugh, etc. But all the while I'm sort of keeping this counter for all the times she makes comments that expose the over-inflated sense of entitlement and unattractive "I'm the shit and everyone just wishes they were good enough to have me" attitude. It isn't bad enough to completely turn me off, but enough that I continue to think "Yeah, I can't imagine spending any serious about of time with this person". But, like I said, I at least figured I'd get to relax and see a beautiful film.
So, we're off to the movie. We get there right on time, get decent seats and it's underway.
And then it starts...
It turns out that she's one of those people who likes to make comments boldly about what she is seeing or what is happening in the movie. I immediately begin to sink into my seat.
I'm the type of person that tries to be as respectful of other people as possible, especially when I'm out in public. I shut my mouth when I'm at the movies, make sure the phone is off, etc. And I'm usually the one shushing idiots who discuss the movie in progress at full volume as if they are in their own living room. I really can't stand inconsiderate people, especially in those situations.
So here I am, next to a person who is dressed all hot, obviously thinks she's the shit (so much so that she is alone because she has yet to find the man who is "worthy" of her) making comments to the movie loudly enough that everyone can hear, some of them turning and looking over their shoulders in irritation.
Here I am... That Guy. The guy who is obviously such a tool that he associates with bubble-headed trophy girls. The guy who is obviously such a slave to his penis that he'll overlook what a totally socially inept person he is with as long as she looks good.
Only I'm not That Guy, but as far as everyone else in the theater was concerned, I was.
I so wanted to move a few seats down the row.
And then it gets better.
The visuals start to swirl and paint beautiful metaphors across the screen. Pain through the mind of a child is illustrated fantastically. Singh is fantastic.
Then she announces "This movie is WIERD!"
I hear people snicker at her idiocy.
Jesus.
It's amazing to me how people like that have no sense of themselves. They assume that everyone around them couldn't possibly have a reason to complain about anything they do, therefore they have no tact, no self-awareness and no remorse.
At some point the movie starts to get intense. Nothing gory or sexual or anything like that. Just people having to endure some pain and suffering. The things we all have to face as we go through life as adults.
And that's when she says it...
"I don't think I can handle this"
and she gets up, grabs her purse and leaves.
What. The. Fuck.
I, of course, have no choice but to follow her, take her home, etc etc. She apologizes the entire time, but it's easy to see that what her apologies mean isn't "I'm sorry I can't handle that" but rather "I'm sorry that there are people who film things like that and think it's okay... and that there are people (like you) who want to watch them."
Uhhhh... again.. it wasn't anything lewd, disgusting, in bad taste, revolting, pornographic, etc. It was just people having to deal with the unpleasantness of life... only told through the eyes of a child with incredible imagery and wonder. I can't wait to one day see how it actually fucking ends!
And that's when I realized. In the world of this infantile, daddy's little girl princess, she doesn't have to face difficult things or deal with the pain and responsibility that are part of being an adult so voluntarily watching a film about it was simply more than her little dollhouse could bear.
I simply can't imagine how anyone gets to be my age and manages to dodge responsibility enough to never face the reality of life and the world around us. It must be wonderful to skate through life shielded from everything unpleasant, someone else doing the dirty work while she views everything through a filter of pretty pink happiness.
Amazing.
So, back to the original point of all this. I absolutely refuse to be reduced to being That Guy™. I'm not an obnoxious, spoiled, infantile idiot and I refuse to be lumped in with one by association. It's going to take me a while to find the nerve to go on another date after that, because it's hard to see the point in wasting precious time if that's the best the world can throw my way. Heh.
Monday, May 19, 2008
Things Just Get Better and Better
Last Friday my usual group of close work friends decided we needed to ditch out early and grab a beer. For a while it had been a bit of a tradition, but lately we haven't been doing it as much. So we go, have a few beers, laughs and the usual good time. One of the guys' wife meets up with us near the end and the conversation turns to my house and how she hasn't seen it. So we decided to wrap up there and head back to my place to show it to her. I had mentioned that I recently stocked the place with massive amounts of beer in hopes that we could start having the Friday tradition at my house since it is literally less than 5 minutes from the office, so moving the group there seemed like a great idea.
We head back to my place and when I enter I'm greeted by a surprise party of around 25 of my other friends. Apparently the after work meet up was just a ruse to keep me occupied while the party was set up at my place. Lots of laughs, tons of fun, drinking, etc. Basically a larger version of the same group that surprised me on my birthday last year. I'll have pics up soon and I'll send you those.
The real coup was a cousin of mine who lives in Austin, but I had never gotten around to getting together with, was even there. It was really cool to see him again and the entire thing was a massive, fun surprise.
Unfortunately, it all started so early (6pm) that everyone had pretty much filtered out by 11pm. But it was really cool to have that many people putting that much effort into throwing a surprise party for me. And it was nice to break the house in and start the tradition of get-togethers at my place.
The only pain came later when 3 of us headed downtown to wind the night up with a little clubbing. Our group crossed paths with a group of girls. We chatted, danced and exchanged a few pics. One of them really had me spun.
Afterwards, a friend said:
"Jeff vs any cute girls: talkative, funny, even can be smart-alecky and no problem flirting.
Jeff vs hawt asian girls: uhh duhh hyuhhh!!"
Which is exactly how that night went. So I spent the rest of the weekend kicking myself for not having the cajones to even ask for the digits. Since it was a random encounter in a club, I'll never cross paths with her again and I didn't even catch her name amidst the pounding music.
So yeah, I completely, epically, failed my "Always seize the moment" maxim.
Which also gets me edgy because I'm still trying to focus on the fact that even if I get what I want, I end up unhappy so I need to focus on where I'm at, how happy I am and the things that I know will keep me happy long term. Basically the same struggle I went through a few months ago when someone caught my attention. Funny how I meet girls all the time (like the ones in the pics I sent) and it has no effect on me. Then particular ones will come along and it completely screws with my head. I know that they'll only make me miserable, but I make myself miserable if I can't get their attention. hehe. It's a sick cycle. Heh.
But Saturday night I went to the show. Definitely one of the best times I've had with it. It put me exactly where I needed to be. There's usually a moment in all of it where it's not too intense, where it's hitting me just right and I can't help but think "This is exactly how I wish I could feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year for the rest of my life". Great stuff.
That was pretty much the weekend. Great times... with a side order of pangs that'll take a little while to wear off.
We head back to my place and when I enter I'm greeted by a surprise party of around 25 of my other friends. Apparently the after work meet up was just a ruse to keep me occupied while the party was set up at my place. Lots of laughs, tons of fun, drinking, etc. Basically a larger version of the same group that surprised me on my birthday last year. I'll have pics up soon and I'll send you those.
The real coup was a cousin of mine who lives in Austin, but I had never gotten around to getting together with, was even there. It was really cool to see him again and the entire thing was a massive, fun surprise.
Unfortunately, it all started so early (6pm) that everyone had pretty much filtered out by 11pm. But it was really cool to have that many people putting that much effort into throwing a surprise party for me. And it was nice to break the house in and start the tradition of get-togethers at my place.
The only pain came later when 3 of us headed downtown to wind the night up with a little clubbing. Our group crossed paths with a group of girls. We chatted, danced and exchanged a few pics. One of them really had me spun.
Afterwards, a friend said:
"Jeff vs any cute girls: talkative, funny, even can be smart-alecky and no problem flirting.
Jeff vs hawt asian girls: uhh duhh hyuhhh!!"
Which is exactly how that night went. So I spent the rest of the weekend kicking myself for not having the cajones to even ask for the digits. Since it was a random encounter in a club, I'll never cross paths with her again and I didn't even catch her name amidst the pounding music.
So yeah, I completely, epically, failed my "Always seize the moment" maxim.
Which also gets me edgy because I'm still trying to focus on the fact that even if I get what I want, I end up unhappy so I need to focus on where I'm at, how happy I am and the things that I know will keep me happy long term. Basically the same struggle I went through a few months ago when someone caught my attention. Funny how I meet girls all the time (like the ones in the pics I sent) and it has no effect on me. Then particular ones will come along and it completely screws with my head. I know that they'll only make me miserable, but I make myself miserable if I can't get their attention. hehe. It's a sick cycle. Heh.
But Saturday night I went to the show. Definitely one of the best times I've had with it. It put me exactly where I needed to be. There's usually a moment in all of it where it's not too intense, where it's hitting me just right and I can't help but think "This is exactly how I wish I could feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year for the rest of my life". Great stuff.
That was pretty much the weekend. Great times... with a side order of pangs that'll take a little while to wear off.
Monday, April 28, 2008
You're Always With Me
"So basically... it's perfect."
Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".
Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do
I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead
Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.
Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".
Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do
I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead
Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Death of Sex
03.17.2008
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...
I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.
One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.
So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?
Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)
One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).
Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.
Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)
If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)
So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)
Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away
With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain
I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...
I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.
One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.
So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?
Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)
One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).
Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.
Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)
If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)
So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)
Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away
With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain
I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Torrents of Spring
"Am I a bad woman?"
- Maria Nikolaevna (Turgenev)
Today is a perfect and interesting day. Packing up the place and getting ready for the house. Perfect temperature outside with overcast skies keeping it cozy but not hot. A nice breeze is pouring in through all the open windows and music fills the place. And then a few words shared with you puts a nice layer of icing over the top of it all. I think it's funny how even after all this time, sharing a tiny moment with you like today's back and forth gives me this certain feeling of happiness that nothing else does. Unlocking that hidden little part that will always be yours, I guess. :)
Sometimes you say things that reflect many of my thoughts during the days/weeks/months between our little conversations. As I'm prone to saying lately "My life is as good as it was when you were in it... almost" :)
Pretty much exactly what you say... that you're happy... mostly. I completely understand that and feel the same.
From time to time I've wondered "what if" and tried to picture where we would be right now. Almost 6 years later... so... we'd be married, probably for about 4 years by now. And the places I have gone in between... the cruises, swims in both oceans, nights under the stars on beaches, endless trips to the show and the afterglow... all would have been with you.
And the plan for a child would happen in the next year. I'm even more sure that's not what I want in my life now, but I do wonder if that would have changed were we together. My love for you made me so happy that I would have done anything to see you happy in return... so it's hard not to wonder...
But, I also think about where I'm at right now and how you leaving was directly/indirectly responsible for that. If you had stayed I wouldn't have come to Austin, wouldn't have ended up in my dream job and wouldn't have met some of my current friends that will probably be around forever. And even if you left but we had stayed together long distance then I probably would have ended up in Boulder... and again, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.
True, I could have ended up in some other wonderful job, some other great house with different friends... but I guess it's a bit harder to play the "what if" game when your real life is very good. :)
As for my image of you... I really don't think you have to worry about that. I think I actually have a really good idea of who you are. I think I knew it even back then... you're different now, but I could see how special you were and would be. Although you made decisions that I wished you hadn't, I think I could see in you the person that you are now and I knew that was the person I was looking for... you just didn't know it yourself yet.
I think that was the real tragedy for me. Being older, having been through a bit more of life, I was maybe a bit more aware of what the situation was, what it would become and maybe that if we let it slip away then we might forever ask "What if...?"
It was very frustrating being alone in that knowledge. It made it very difficult to accept the situation and I apologize for that.
So my image of you is that you have become (or are becoming) the person that I so badly wanted you to be back then... not that I didn't love you just as you were... I just wanted you to have the same... wisdom? experience?... as me and know that in a few years there will be a small void that might last forever if you left.
You aren't a bad person, you're just a person like everyone else and we all have... I wouldn't say regrets, that's too strong... but we all wonder if the decisions we made were always the right ones. Sometimes it's easy to know, sometimes not. I think ultimately I'm a better person for having known you, having lost you and having to pick myself up afterward. I still think I have a long way to go to be a good person, but I do worry that I would be nowhere near the man I am now if you and I had stayed together. I probably wouldn't have been able to give you the happiness you deserved. That isn't meant to say that you were bad for me... rather *I* was bad for me and I think I needed a few years of having everything stripped from me to come to grips with who I really was and how far that person was from the one I wanted to be.
The one thing that I do feel really good about is that I can go through the rest of my life knowing that I at least tried. I asked you simply "Stay"... just for a little while so that we would know. I wasn't manipulative and I didn't hold it against you when you said you couldn't. So now when I hear stories of people letting love slip away I can at least know that I didn't stand by and let it go quietly without saying boldly what I felt and what I wanted. :)
When I'm in Dallas I often have to take the Knox-Henderson exit from 75 and every time I do I replay the conversation we had as we took that ramp on the way to Samba/Milk... about long distance and how you asked if I could wait 6 months to see you again... "I could do 6 months standing on my head... as long as I knew you were out there and that I would see you again". That was a great moment. :)
So be happy and know that I'm always here and that you're not alone in the way you feel. :)
And now, since it just came up in the playlist, says exactly how I felt back then and was something I played during that night at The Orchid Bar when I so wished you had been there to share it:
Olive - You're Not Alone
In a way, it's all a matter of time
I will not worry for you, You'll be just fine
Take my thoughts with you, and when you look behind
You will surely see a face that you recognize
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
It is the distance, that makes life a little hard
Two minds that once were close, Now so many miles apart
I will not falter though, I'll hold on till you're home
Safely back where you belong, And see how our love has grown
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
- Maria Nikolaevna (Turgenev)
Today is a perfect and interesting day. Packing up the place and getting ready for the house. Perfect temperature outside with overcast skies keeping it cozy but not hot. A nice breeze is pouring in through all the open windows and music fills the place. And then a few words shared with you puts a nice layer of icing over the top of it all. I think it's funny how even after all this time, sharing a tiny moment with you like today's back and forth gives me this certain feeling of happiness that nothing else does. Unlocking that hidden little part that will always be yours, I guess. :)
Sometimes you say things that reflect many of my thoughts during the days/weeks/months between our little conversations. As I'm prone to saying lately "My life is as good as it was when you were in it... almost" :)
Pretty much exactly what you say... that you're happy... mostly. I completely understand that and feel the same.
From time to time I've wondered "what if" and tried to picture where we would be right now. Almost 6 years later... so... we'd be married, probably for about 4 years by now. And the places I have gone in between... the cruises, swims in both oceans, nights under the stars on beaches, endless trips to the show and the afterglow... all would have been with you.
And the plan for a child would happen in the next year. I'm even more sure that's not what I want in my life now, but I do wonder if that would have changed were we together. My love for you made me so happy that I would have done anything to see you happy in return... so it's hard not to wonder...
But, I also think about where I'm at right now and how you leaving was directly/indirectly responsible for that. If you had stayed I wouldn't have come to Austin, wouldn't have ended up in my dream job and wouldn't have met some of my current friends that will probably be around forever. And even if you left but we had stayed together long distance then I probably would have ended up in Boulder... and again, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.
True, I could have ended up in some other wonderful job, some other great house with different friends... but I guess it's a bit harder to play the "what if" game when your real life is very good. :)
As for my image of you... I really don't think you have to worry about that. I think I actually have a really good idea of who you are. I think I knew it even back then... you're different now, but I could see how special you were and would be. Although you made decisions that I wished you hadn't, I think I could see in you the person that you are now and I knew that was the person I was looking for... you just didn't know it yourself yet.
I think that was the real tragedy for me. Being older, having been through a bit more of life, I was maybe a bit more aware of what the situation was, what it would become and maybe that if we let it slip away then we might forever ask "What if...?"
It was very frustrating being alone in that knowledge. It made it very difficult to accept the situation and I apologize for that.
So my image of you is that you have become (or are becoming) the person that I so badly wanted you to be back then... not that I didn't love you just as you were... I just wanted you to have the same... wisdom? experience?... as me and know that in a few years there will be a small void that might last forever if you left.
You aren't a bad person, you're just a person like everyone else and we all have... I wouldn't say regrets, that's too strong... but we all wonder if the decisions we made were always the right ones. Sometimes it's easy to know, sometimes not. I think ultimately I'm a better person for having known you, having lost you and having to pick myself up afterward. I still think I have a long way to go to be a good person, but I do worry that I would be nowhere near the man I am now if you and I had stayed together. I probably wouldn't have been able to give you the happiness you deserved. That isn't meant to say that you were bad for me... rather *I* was bad for me and I think I needed a few years of having everything stripped from me to come to grips with who I really was and how far that person was from the one I wanted to be.
The one thing that I do feel really good about is that I can go through the rest of my life knowing that I at least tried. I asked you simply "Stay"... just for a little while so that we would know. I wasn't manipulative and I didn't hold it against you when you said you couldn't. So now when I hear stories of people letting love slip away I can at least know that I didn't stand by and let it go quietly without saying boldly what I felt and what I wanted. :)
When I'm in Dallas I often have to take the Knox-Henderson exit from 75 and every time I do I replay the conversation we had as we took that ramp on the way to Samba/Milk... about long distance and how you asked if I could wait 6 months to see you again... "I could do 6 months standing on my head... as long as I knew you were out there and that I would see you again". That was a great moment. :)
So be happy and know that I'm always here and that you're not alone in the way you feel. :)
And now, since it just came up in the playlist, says exactly how I felt back then and was something I played during that night at The Orchid Bar when I so wished you had been there to share it:
Olive - You're Not Alone
In a way, it's all a matter of time
I will not worry for you, You'll be just fine
Take my thoughts with you, and when you look behind
You will surely see a face that you recognize
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
It is the distance, that makes life a little hard
Two minds that once were close, Now so many miles apart
I will not falter though, I'll hold on till you're home
Safely back where you belong, And see how our love has grown
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
Friday, March 7, 2008
Another Time, Another Place
Early morning moments, 5am on a flight back from Veracruz, Mexico. Watching the sunrise after a weekend of crashing waves, Cirque du Soleil, sunning at poolside, 2 trips to the show at the water's edge and again feeling as though I'm going through the motions, living the moments, but still missing something to make them complete. It was a nice trip, but...
And now another odd predicament. An ex's best friend is getting married. A month ago we met them in San Antonio to be introduced to the new man. In the process the bride's (married) sister came along. I developed a little crush and could tell there was some mutuality to it. I could make her laugh while her husband seemed to only annoy her.
The bride has now asked me to compose something for her to walk down the aisle to as she isn't fond of the traditional wedding march. So I dragged a melody out that I wrote 20+ years ago but never found a home for. Only I find the real inspiration in it all being driven by the little sister. So there I will be, at a wedding (always a favorite romantic venue for me) with an ex, watching the ex's best friend marry to music that I wrote, all inspired by the bride's married little sister.
Heh. Gotta love how I can never just keep anything simple.
Trying to get the house ready, get packed, get moved, buy furniture, etc etc etc. There is a ton to do and not enough time to do it. But once it's all done I'll be much happier
And now another odd predicament. An ex's best friend is getting married. A month ago we met them in San Antonio to be introduced to the new man. In the process the bride's (married) sister came along. I developed a little crush and could tell there was some mutuality to it. I could make her laugh while her husband seemed to only annoy her.
The bride has now asked me to compose something for her to walk down the aisle to as she isn't fond of the traditional wedding march. So I dragged a melody out that I wrote 20+ years ago but never found a home for. Only I find the real inspiration in it all being driven by the little sister. So there I will be, at a wedding (always a favorite romantic venue for me) with an ex, watching the ex's best friend marry to music that I wrote, all inspired by the bride's married little sister.
Heh. Gotta love how I can never just keep anything simple.
Trying to get the house ready, get packed, get moved, buy furniture, etc etc etc. There is a ton to do and not enough time to do it. But once it's all done I'll be much happier
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tummy Temptation
I have always proudly pronounced myself to be (and anyone who knows me well can readily attest to the fact that I am) an ass man. Heh. But something interesting happened recently and it got me thinking.
I was out with friends, just a normal night out with a mixed group of guys/girls.. some of them couples, some of us single. Shooting pool, having drinks, lots of laughs, etc. There was one woman in the group, she was there with her boyfriend but there was an interesting thing going on between us. The fun flirty stuff that I really like because it's enjoyable but doesn't get messy. At one point cameras were out and pictures were being taken. She came over to me, wrapped her arm around my neck and said she wanted a picture with me. In the midst of posing I wrapped one arm around her and planted the other on her stomach. It was smooth, firm and incredibly attractive through the cloth of her top.
I then realized that about a month ago I had a similar experience. Someone I've known for a couple of years through work ran into my group in a downtown bar. She was fairly lit and let me know something that a friend of hers had actually revealed to me months ago, that she has had a crush on me since we first met. It was funny to run into her out of the blue. At some point a little making out ensues, but she's so lit that I'm more concerned with making sure she's okay and that she gets home safely with her friends. During the course of what was essentially me keeping her steady while we waited for her friends to bring the car around the same thing happened. My hands on her flat, firm stomach. Again, it was powerfully attractive.
I didn't give either episode much thought until a few nights ago when I had a somewhat vivid dream where I was kissing a woman (unknown) down her stomach. Again, flat, firm, smooth and very attractive. I remember being intensely attracted by every aspect of it.
I never really thought much about how attractive a nice midriff can be on a woman, but then I remembered the moment when I knew I suddenly wanted you. It was the night on the terrace under the stars. Same situation, we were holding hands, arms around each other loosely during the night and then at some point as I held you I put my palm flat against your stomach. I remember that the firm, smoothness of it affected me intensely. I wanted you more than anything at that moment. It was exactly at that moment that I went from finding you attractive and toying with fun little fantasies of what it would be like to sleep with you, to absolutely, positively, undeniably having to have you.
So, I guess I must have a pretty strong thing for sexy tummies. Heh.
Looking forward to the weekend. Going back up to D. I promised a friend that I'd take her to this sushi place over Christmas, but our schedules didn't line up so she then made me promise to come back "during Q1" for a rain check. That will be cool, but what I'm really looking forward to is something else that I didn't get around to during my holiday trips up: dinner at Ferrari's. I've been a few times since you and I went, usually making a point of going on my birthday or when I'm in town for Christmas, but this year it managed to slip by. Like always, it'll be fun to be in the places where we spent some time, especially ones where we closed the place down after 5 hours of conversation. Heh.
I was out with friends, just a normal night out with a mixed group of guys/girls.. some of them couples, some of us single. Shooting pool, having drinks, lots of laughs, etc. There was one woman in the group, she was there with her boyfriend but there was an interesting thing going on between us. The fun flirty stuff that I really like because it's enjoyable but doesn't get messy. At one point cameras were out and pictures were being taken. She came over to me, wrapped her arm around my neck and said she wanted a picture with me. In the midst of posing I wrapped one arm around her and planted the other on her stomach. It was smooth, firm and incredibly attractive through the cloth of her top.
I then realized that about a month ago I had a similar experience. Someone I've known for a couple of years through work ran into my group in a downtown bar. She was fairly lit and let me know something that a friend of hers had actually revealed to me months ago, that she has had a crush on me since we first met. It was funny to run into her out of the blue. At some point a little making out ensues, but she's so lit that I'm more concerned with making sure she's okay and that she gets home safely with her friends. During the course of what was essentially me keeping her steady while we waited for her friends to bring the car around the same thing happened. My hands on her flat, firm stomach. Again, it was powerfully attractive.
I didn't give either episode much thought until a few nights ago when I had a somewhat vivid dream where I was kissing a woman (unknown) down her stomach. Again, flat, firm, smooth and very attractive. I remember being intensely attracted by every aspect of it.
I never really thought much about how attractive a nice midriff can be on a woman, but then I remembered the moment when I knew I suddenly wanted you. It was the night on the terrace under the stars. Same situation, we were holding hands, arms around each other loosely during the night and then at some point as I held you I put my palm flat against your stomach. I remember that the firm, smoothness of it affected me intensely. I wanted you more than anything at that moment. It was exactly at that moment that I went from finding you attractive and toying with fun little fantasies of what it would be like to sleep with you, to absolutely, positively, undeniably having to have you.
So, I guess I must have a pretty strong thing for sexy tummies. Heh.
Looking forward to the weekend. Going back up to D. I promised a friend that I'd take her to this sushi place over Christmas, but our schedules didn't line up so she then made me promise to come back "during Q1" for a rain check. That will be cool, but what I'm really looking forward to is something else that I didn't get around to during my holiday trips up: dinner at Ferrari's. I've been a few times since you and I went, usually making a point of going on my birthday or when I'm in town for Christmas, but this year it managed to slip by. Like always, it'll be fun to be in the places where we spent some time, especially ones where we closed the place down after 5 hours of conversation. Heh.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Recollection
Funny, I always seem to want to come here and say "I'm in an odd place lately", but if I'm always in an odd place then that must be the norm, and not odd at all.
Mostly I feel somewhat sedated. I'm wondering if the intoxication of success has evaporated after 6 months of a very high period. I hope not, but there are lots of good things going on that I'm not quite appreciating like I should. I think I'm mostly just stressing about the big decisions I've made recently and the responsibilities/ramifications they entail. The move toward the house is still marching steadily on, but I have yet to feel really elated by it. I should. I'll love the place and it will finally give me a sense of permanence that I've known I've wanted for years.
I'm not getting enough done (as usual) and seem to be having a hard time feeling really excited about anything. I feel muted and I hope that isn't going to last.
There is one odd aspect to life right now. Although I'm still very much not interested in anything resembling a relationship I am involved in a purely physical (for me) thing which feels very out of character, very hollow. It barely serves its purpose and probably mostly just makes me remember what it's like to be with someone body, heart, mind and soul... instead of only sharing (a part) of my body. It doesn't make me sad or lonely or anything, it just doesn't feel like me since I'm so completely uninvolved on any deeper level. At times it makes things more complicated than I wish to endure, which only serves to remind me how I no longer see a relationship that is on a deeper level being worth the effort. The return just isn't there for me anymore.
One interesting thing that happened this week... I heard from a friend that I used to be very close to until a couple of years ago. Our lives just sort of drifted apart. After talking to him I thought about other friends that have come and gone in a similar manner. Specifically Jimmy D, the guy who drove us to MilkBar as I laid with my (drunken) head in your lap, my face awash with your gentle kisses. I haven't talked to him in years, like so many others. It made me realize that what I really wish I could have is a big party with all the friends that have ever meant something to be there together. I guess if one is vigilant enough it's possible to keep all your best friends in your life eternally. I'm not good at that, so people drift away. There are times when I desperately wish I could have them all together again, just for a few hours to hear their voices, share the inside jokes again and to be reminded of who I was when they made up my life. I really have no powerful bonds with anyone right now. Most of the time that feels comfortable, but sometimes I miss it.
Oh, and another note. J & K, the couple you met at lunch that one afternoon, for whom I was the Best Man... they're calling it quits after 10 years. Not sure why that's worth mentioning... maybe just that nothing lasts and that always seems to eat away at me a little bit.
And, as always, a song I stumbled upon recently that evokes some very specific thoughts of a time long ago...
Leama & Moore feat. Rushmore - Distance Between Us
What's left for me? I feel so lonely
It's hard to make a choice beyond me
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow, I know you won't change
I'll lie, you said
I'm changing on my ways
Take time to bring a choice that haunts me
Won't you run? Won't you stay?
Don't you run again
Don't you run from me
So plain to see as distance comes between us in your eyes
You say "A choice beyond me"
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow
I know you won't stay... know you won't stay
Mostly I feel somewhat sedated. I'm wondering if the intoxication of success has evaporated after 6 months of a very high period. I hope not, but there are lots of good things going on that I'm not quite appreciating like I should. I think I'm mostly just stressing about the big decisions I've made recently and the responsibilities/ramifications they entail. The move toward the house is still marching steadily on, but I have yet to feel really elated by it. I should. I'll love the place and it will finally give me a sense of permanence that I've known I've wanted for years.
I'm not getting enough done (as usual) and seem to be having a hard time feeling really excited about anything. I feel muted and I hope that isn't going to last.
There is one odd aspect to life right now. Although I'm still very much not interested in anything resembling a relationship I am involved in a purely physical (for me) thing which feels very out of character, very hollow. It barely serves its purpose and probably mostly just makes me remember what it's like to be with someone body, heart, mind and soul... instead of only sharing (a part) of my body. It doesn't make me sad or lonely or anything, it just doesn't feel like me since I'm so completely uninvolved on any deeper level. At times it makes things more complicated than I wish to endure, which only serves to remind me how I no longer see a relationship that is on a deeper level being worth the effort. The return just isn't there for me anymore.
One interesting thing that happened this week... I heard from a friend that I used to be very close to until a couple of years ago. Our lives just sort of drifted apart. After talking to him I thought about other friends that have come and gone in a similar manner. Specifically Jimmy D, the guy who drove us to MilkBar as I laid with my (drunken) head in your lap, my face awash with your gentle kisses. I haven't talked to him in years, like so many others. It made me realize that what I really wish I could have is a big party with all the friends that have ever meant something to be there together. I guess if one is vigilant enough it's possible to keep all your best friends in your life eternally. I'm not good at that, so people drift away. There are times when I desperately wish I could have them all together again, just for a few hours to hear their voices, share the inside jokes again and to be reminded of who I was when they made up my life. I really have no powerful bonds with anyone right now. Most of the time that feels comfortable, but sometimes I miss it.
Oh, and another note. J & K, the couple you met at lunch that one afternoon, for whom I was the Best Man... they're calling it quits after 10 years. Not sure why that's worth mentioning... maybe just that nothing lasts and that always seems to eat away at me a little bit.
And, as always, a song I stumbled upon recently that evokes some very specific thoughts of a time long ago...
Leama & Moore feat. Rushmore - Distance Between Us
What's left for me? I feel so lonely
It's hard to make a choice beyond me
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow, I know you won't change
I'll lie, you said
I'm changing on my ways
Take time to bring a choice that haunts me
Won't you run? Won't you stay?
Don't you run again
Don't you run from me
So plain to see as distance comes between us in your eyes
You say "A choice beyond me"
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow
I know you won't stay... know you won't stay
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Resolute
You asked if I had any resolutions for the new year. I really never think about things like that, but I answered in the last comments and oddly enough, I've already managed (or am well underway in the process) to complete one. I've bought a house.
Great place, huge (2250+ sq ft) and in a fantastic, quaint little neighborhood that makes you want to walk around in the warm twilight air. My friends call it "Stars Hollow" due to its similarity to the community in Gilmore Girls. I'm happy about it. It'll be nice to have my own place. Although I'm not sure if buying a house will break my other resolution, to keep from complicating my life. Heh. But I know that this move is a positive one.
Other aspects of life continue to roll along happily and smoothly. Job is still great, friends are great, side business just had an incredible year (10x from last year) and is already on pace to do the same this year. So, I continue to be surprised at how happy I am. And, for once, I don't find myself fearful of "when the other shoe will drop" as you put it. I am so in the moment... and the moment is good.
Oh, but I mentioned in the last comments that I had something else to post. Just something that went through my mind sort of out of nowhere. For some reason I thought about your parents and how I'm sure they were thrilled when you told them you were getting married... and how thrilled I am sure they were when you told them you were having another baby... just like I'm sure they were elated when you told them you were having the first one. I can't really explain it, but you came up in a conversation I had with my mom over Thanksgiving. She never met you, but she knows of you, knows the impact we had on me, knows how much of my life during the years from 02-06 was shaped and affected by your brief time in it. I thought about how we have this little private place, how we've maintained a connection and are still aware of each other's lives. When I look back on my life in 20 years, or 40 years, memories of us will always be an important part of the whole story, no matter where I end up.
So it's odd to realize that to everyone in your life now (other than you) I am essentially non-existent. I hold no more relevance than anyone else that you dated once or twice, a brief boyfriend that your parents never even met, now completely inconsequential and forgotten. I can't really explain it, just that anyone who sees your life now would look at your husband and your two children as the major factors in it, and rightly so. As if that is the summation of your story. Yet there is this little portal of only 2 months which happened years ago and on the other side of it was this huge impact on another life. It's just odd to realize that for everyone we meet there is so much more of a story in their lives that we can't see by just looking at who they are at that moment.
I'm still not really getting the thought across, I guess I'm just not in the right frame of mind to make it clear. Perhaps it's like a play... one sees the actors, hears their words and goes home remembering the spectacle of the show, oblivious to the writers and stage hands who, while not seen or considered, played a part in the production.
Life Without Tiffany - Candyflip
pull me down (again)
from the clouds (again)
standing on the sidelines (again)
waiting for the right time (and when)
I can play (again)
in her game (and win)
stars are lining up right (again)
but missing one from that night (pretend)
she's in space (again)
found her place (again)
sure she's got the right one (in him)
now her life is set to (begin)
to the show (again)
heart is on (the mend)
the candyflip of chemicals (within)
the only bliss that I know (won't end)
Great place, huge (2250+ sq ft) and in a fantastic, quaint little neighborhood that makes you want to walk around in the warm twilight air. My friends call it "Stars Hollow" due to its similarity to the community in Gilmore Girls. I'm happy about it. It'll be nice to have my own place. Although I'm not sure if buying a house will break my other resolution, to keep from complicating my life. Heh. But I know that this move is a positive one.
Other aspects of life continue to roll along happily and smoothly. Job is still great, friends are great, side business just had an incredible year (10x from last year) and is already on pace to do the same this year. So, I continue to be surprised at how happy I am. And, for once, I don't find myself fearful of "when the other shoe will drop" as you put it. I am so in the moment... and the moment is good.
Oh, but I mentioned in the last comments that I had something else to post. Just something that went through my mind sort of out of nowhere. For some reason I thought about your parents and how I'm sure they were thrilled when you told them you were getting married... and how thrilled I am sure they were when you told them you were having another baby... just like I'm sure they were elated when you told them you were having the first one. I can't really explain it, but you came up in a conversation I had with my mom over Thanksgiving. She never met you, but she knows of you, knows the impact we had on me, knows how much of my life during the years from 02-06 was shaped and affected by your brief time in it. I thought about how we have this little private place, how we've maintained a connection and are still aware of each other's lives. When I look back on my life in 20 years, or 40 years, memories of us will always be an important part of the whole story, no matter where I end up.
So it's odd to realize that to everyone in your life now (other than you) I am essentially non-existent. I hold no more relevance than anyone else that you dated once or twice, a brief boyfriend that your parents never even met, now completely inconsequential and forgotten. I can't really explain it, just that anyone who sees your life now would look at your husband and your two children as the major factors in it, and rightly so. As if that is the summation of your story. Yet there is this little portal of only 2 months which happened years ago and on the other side of it was this huge impact on another life. It's just odd to realize that for everyone we meet there is so much more of a story in their lives that we can't see by just looking at who they are at that moment.
I'm still not really getting the thought across, I guess I'm just not in the right frame of mind to make it clear. Perhaps it's like a play... one sees the actors, hears their words and goes home remembering the spectacle of the show, oblivious to the writers and stage hands who, while not seen or considered, played a part in the production.
Life Without Tiffany - Candyflip
pull me down (again)
from the clouds (again)
standing on the sidelines (again)
waiting for the right time (and when)
I can play (again)
in her game (and win)
stars are lining up right (again)
but missing one from that night (pretend)
she's in space (again)
found her place (again)
sure she's got the right one (in him)
now her life is set to (begin)
to the show (again)
heart is on (the mend)
the candyflip of chemicals (within)
the only bliss that I know (won't end)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)