Currently I'm a clown. A clown that is juggling 5 things... all the while trying to get even more balls in the air.2 of these things are interestingly opposed. Text messages to one are long, detailed, playful, flirtatious and sweet. But our time face to face is awkward and slightly strained. Time face to face with the other is very affectionate, playful, enjoyable and warm. But texts are short, curt and somewhat stoic. It shows either the stark delineation between how different people have different comfort levels with anonymity vs. real contact... or that the quality of a person's technology makes a big difference in how easy it is for them to convey emotion. Heh.
I'm sleeping with one of them and I realize there is a specific quality to it that intensifies everything for me. I make her come.
Before I go down that road... I'll rewind a bit. My last two relationships involved no orgasms for my partners during sex (of any kind). One of them could only do it herself (but not in the presence of another person) and the other couldn't at all (Not just with me, with anyone). I hadn't realized until now just how important that really is for me to be happy sexually.
I've had people who did an incredible job of rocking my shit in the sack. They would go to great lengths to make me happy... but I can now look back and see that if I couldn't make them come then all that effort resulted in a fairly lackluster feeling for me. I definitely get a serious sense of sexual satisfaction from being able to give my partner satisfaction.
I can't speak assuredly about us, but I believe that I was able to make you come. With my hands, my mouth and when I was inside you. We never really discussed it, but the ways your body moved and the sounds you made had me fairly certain I was getting you to where you wanted to be. And, until recently, that was the last time I was with someone that I clicked with to that extent sexually.
It has me thinking back even farther and realizing that my only truly satisfying sexual relationships were ones where I could give orgasms left and right. And it wasn't something that had to be "worked on" over time. It was like it was with you. Within the first 2-3 times of sleeping together I was able to make the person come any way I wanted to, repeatedly.
It has also made me realize that was a strong reason for the "death" of my sex drive that I felt had been coming over me. I find myself thinking about it more and anticipating it now, looking forward to it. For a long time it has felt like this hollow effort with little reward. I see now that was because no matter how powerfully someone gets me off, it pales in comparison to the rush of making the other person come.
To be clear, this isn't because I'm suddenly having sex again, I've been having sex steadily during the last few years, in some fantastic places, sometimes enhanced by incredible chemicals... but not in a very satisfying way.
The situation I'm in won't last. The balls will eventually get away from me, and that's fine. The last thing I want is anything long-term. The best thing that will result from all of this is the nice feeling returning that I am good at it... I've just been with the wrong partners. :)
