Funny, I always seem to want to come here and say "I'm in an odd place lately", but if I'm always in an odd place then that must be the norm, and not odd at all.
Mostly I feel somewhat sedated. I'm wondering if the intoxication of success has evaporated after 6 months of a very high period. I hope not, but there are lots of good things going on that I'm not quite appreciating like I should. I think I'm mostly just stressing about the big decisions I've made recently and the responsibilities/ramifications they entail. The move toward the house is still marching steadily on, but I have yet to feel really elated by it. I should. I'll love the place and it will finally give me a sense of permanence that I've known I've wanted for years.
I'm not getting enough done (as usual) and seem to be having a hard time feeling really excited about anything. I feel muted and I hope that isn't going to last.
There is one odd aspect to life right now. Although I'm still very much not interested in anything resembling a relationship I am involved in a purely physical (for me) thing which feels very out of character, very hollow. It barely serves its purpose and probably mostly just makes me remember what it's like to be with someone body, heart, mind and soul... instead of only sharing (a part) of my body. It doesn't make me sad or lonely or anything, it just doesn't feel like me since I'm so completely uninvolved on any deeper level. At times it makes things more complicated than I wish to endure, which only serves to remind me how I no longer see a relationship that is on a deeper level being worth the effort. The return just isn't there for me anymore.
One interesting thing that happened this week... I heard from a friend that I used to be very close to until a couple of years ago. Our lives just sort of drifted apart. After talking to him I thought about other friends that have come and gone in a similar manner. Specifically Jimmy D, the guy who drove us to MilkBar as I laid with my (drunken) head in your lap, my face awash with your gentle kisses. I haven't talked to him in years, like so many others. It made me realize that what I really wish I could have is a big party with all the friends that have ever meant something to be there together. I guess if one is vigilant enough it's possible to keep all your best friends in your life eternally. I'm not good at that, so people drift away. There are times when I desperately wish I could have them all together again, just for a few hours to hear their voices, share the inside jokes again and to be reminded of who I was when they made up my life. I really have no powerful bonds with anyone right now. Most of the time that feels comfortable, but sometimes I miss it.
Oh, and another note. J & K, the couple you met at lunch that one afternoon, for whom I was the Best Man... they're calling it quits after 10 years. Not sure why that's worth mentioning... maybe just that nothing lasts and that always seems to eat away at me a little bit.
And, as always, a song I stumbled upon recently that evokes some very specific thoughts of a time long ago...
Leama & Moore feat. Rushmore - Distance Between Us
What's left for me? I feel so lonely
It's hard to make a choice beyond me
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow, I know you won't change
I'll lie, you said
I'm changing on my ways
Take time to bring a choice that haunts me
Won't you run? Won't you stay?
Don't you run again
Don't you run from me
So plain to see as distance comes between us in your eyes
You say "A choice beyond me"
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow
I know you won't stay... know you won't stay
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