"It's all fun and games until you meet someone that actually has potential."
I have been around me long enough to know what is happening, where things are leading and what I can expect. That is the reason why I can say, without a doubt, I have started down a path that is going to end in tears.
I am thoroughly spun.
I mentioned this a couple of posts ago... and now things are moving forward.
Like it was with you, there is someone that I've been crushing on for a while. Recently, with the aid of friends, I managed to find an "in" and start a dialog with her. This led to a lunch date, which was canceled and postponed multiple times due to our busy schedules. Today we finally managed to meet up.
She's very attractive (to me anyway, very much the "exotic" look that melts me... you're familiar with the type... heh) and this was a key reason I was sure that we wouldn't "click". The odds of everything lining up are very slim, so I assumed that she would have no brain, no personality or at best have views that are so distant from mine that I would never be able to suffer them.
I will now digress. As I perform my current juggling act, the one thing that makes it very easy and very enjoyable is the knowledge that none of the women I'm involved with (currently 5) has the possibility of being anything significant in my life. It isn't that they are bad people or that I don't like them. In fact I find them to be very enjoyable in various ways, each bringing me a subtly different shade of happiness. The reasons for the inability to be anything substantial is varied... their ages, their future plans, their long-term desires for life, etc. So I'm living in the here and now and will let them come and go from my life as whim or circumstance suits them.
That is why it works. I am not attached, have no desire to form any attachment and am doing a bang up job of compartmentalizing the various aspects of my life so that my romantic endeavors have little-to-no impact on everything else.
And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...
...and all I could think was "Shit. This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked."
So here I am. Not deep in it yet, but knowing that I'm going to go there. Knowing that I'm not going to push it aside but rather pursue it until it breaks me down. It isn't about having to give up the rest of my little games. It's the knowledge that I happily will, that I'm going to do the same thing I always do. I'm not going to step aside now, which would be the best thing for everyone. No, I'm going to follow through. I can never leave anything alone, never let anything go unknown. It's what kept me from getting up from the table at Ferrari's when you said you were leaving. It's what made me want to spend every single minute with you before you left. It's what tortured me for years after you were gone (and still lingers at times, usually when I go to the show): The Not Knowing.
I'm going to embrace the hope and run with it all the way to the tragic end.
One of two things is going to happen: It will either end quickly, or it will go for a short while and then implode, taking me with it. If it ends quickly it will be another disappointment and a sting that I'll need a few weeks to forget. If it goes for a while... well then, the crash is proportional to how long it lasts, as my hope climbs with each shared moment.
Unlike every other time in my life, this isn't about someone coming to bring in the light, to "save" me. I'm blissfully happy most of the time now, I don't want, nor do I need to be saved. But what this is is a chance to spend time with someone that is very enjoyable, to spend minutes of my life in ways that seem worthwhile and not wasteful. It's always difficult to know that there are people out there with whom I can spend moments that way... and not get to. Finding them is hard, but then being deprived of the enjoyment they can bring... well, that borders on criminal. :)
(Remember, I said in my very first post that I would over-dramatize things here... well, this is definitely one of those occasions)
This is all a long, pessimistic, melodramatic way of saying that I've stumbled across someone that I simply can't ignore. And that has always been my undoing. :(
I've posted this one before, but it is very apropos today
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?
It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.
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