So This Is Where I'm At

2:15am in the beautiful house. Royksopp playing a song you've never heard as I type away. Tumbler of Macallen next to the keyboard. Now WinAmp has jumped to my favorite song of all time, another song which you will never know. I won't reveal it here... that would be pointless now... and it makes me sad to know that I'll never share it with you. I remember when I looked forward to sharing all my favorite things in life with you. And then...

Home from a night that I was looking forward to more than I've looked forward to anything in a long time. 6 years as a matter of fact. I knew that the others that came along during those years wouldn't shake you from my branches. This is different. This has... had... has... had... has... had...(I can't fucking tell after tonight) the potential to free me of you.

I'm completely upside down, sideways and inverse ballistic. In my life I've been sad. I've been lost. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've been insecure. I've been violent. I've been beautiful. I've been suicidal. I've been at peace. Right now I'm none of those things... but I have never been as confused as I am at this moment.

It only seemed fitting to run to the one woman who has remained in my life while others have come and gone. (but only because I pushed them out due to the fact that I'm never going to be 100% over you and simply can't get over the last 2% that's left)

I'm doing this better than I've ever done it. Butterflies instead of spiders (you won't get that reference, only Ang would). The pace has been perfect. I have mitigated the roller coaster during the in-between moments as much as possible. But still, here I am.

I'm totally fucking up. Losing perspective on the 4/5ths... concentrating on the 1/5th that is missing. The 1/5 that is the drug. The 1/5 that can feel like a good ticket to the show. The 1/5th that you filled. And you were exactly like a drug. Being near you was like X.

I so desperately want to be free of want. "I want to not want" I said... to the ex ex... a woman who knew she would never own my heart like you did... but put up with it anyway.

I'm trying very hard (Rico) to live in the here and now. To just enjoy the moment for what it is... to expect and demand absolutlely nothing more than the precious moments it affords me... but I know I'm on the knife edge now. If I take one more step I'm going to enter the dangerous territory. The minefield I ran full speed into when you were in my life, ran into like a stupid, blind, blissful child.

The question is... when I pose the question... the query of whether or not this worth my time... if when I pose that question I am given the answer I do not want to hear... will I have learned my lesson, get up from the table and walk away? (walk away carrying the flowers I brought with me... and so I ask you the question... do you remember what color they were?)