And so it is...
It is what it is.
Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.
It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).
There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?
And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.
I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.
Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.
2 comments:
Wow. Ouch. I'm not going to sit here and tell you how wrong you are because I feel it would be a waste of time and energy. You're going to think and believe what you will.
I will say this though: You're a damn fool! I can't believe you buy into this "truth" of yours that makes you want to be void of all desire. I believe it won't be untill you change your way of thinking that you'll find what you're looking for.
Stop your self loathing pity party and pick yourself up and move on! Obviously we were not the right people for you! And just because you wanted us to be, you think that's worthy of a temper tantrum?! I don't think so.
Well said.
And exactly my point. I hate that I still haven't learned what/who is actually worth being upset over. I would like to be able to walk away level headed and know that everything is just fine.
And none of this rant was a shot at you, it was all a shot at me, for being weak and still not having the clarity to see things for what they are rather than what I wish they would be. It pisses me off that in many ways I'm still the same person that I hoped I had left behind, and that I probably always will be.
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