Front (click for full res)
Rear (click for full res)
Inner (click for full res)Again, I'm doing that thing that I do which is due to that thing you do to me. (heh, that was fun)
It's been a while since I mixed a CD. After our convo last week about music and how trance/house just never quite gets you there, I decided to put a new disc together. It's been a couple of years and there is some great music that has come my way in that time. I picked tracks that really drove to the heart of my feelings right after you left, during the years I spent trying to sort it all out in my head and heart, and now that we have come to the place we currently are.
Once the mix is complete I'll give you a link so that you can drop it on your iPod. I'll also give some explanation then, but for now you can see the cover/liner art and probably get a feel for the mood of it all. It's now the third disc inspired by us and the feelings that I carry from that. So, in the vain of the "basically, it's perfect" conversation with my friend, I continue to use what we are as a sort of muse for my creative endeavors. We will never be what I wanted us to be and the reality of the now is so far from the way I have you packaged in my head, but that's good. It allows me to feed off of it from time to time and in the end, although I don't have what I wanted, I'm left with beautiful artworks that will outlast any romances, infatuations or other variations of my heart's desire.
Life is so completely insane right now. I would go into details, but it will only color me in a way that I'd prefer not to do here (or specifically, in your mind). My social life is over the top, there are a multitude of romantic entanglements, I'm still feeling the fallout from the night of "The Betrayer", I'm having an incredibly good time but fearful that I'm generating horrible karma, etc. etc. etc. Basically I'm eating up everything I can, but I feel separated from it all. As if I'm watching it from the outside, detached. I know the reasons why. Put simply, it's because I am in no way emotionally involved in any of it. It's a fun time, it's an exciting ride, but ultimately other people are playing with real money whereas all my bets are placed with bills from a Monopoly game. To me this is all fun, a period of play and distraction. I know that other people in the game are playing for keeps, for real... and I worry that it could all end very badly. But it's difficult to walk away... not just because the ride is enjoyable, but as a reaction to the fact that I've spent my entire life overly invested emotionally. I think I'm swinging the pendulum, probably too far, to a place where I can just be... without it having an effect on me emotionally. Basically I feel like I'm closer to being how everyone else in the world is. Which sucks. But being myself in these situations only served to make me miserable, so I'll see how this plays out and learn from it. There will be tears, but they won't be mine... at least not initially.
Tonight I had dinner with a couple of old friends and some great new friends. The new friends were talking about how they met, their courtship, etc. They described 9 hour dates, conversations that would never end and the intense longing and power of knowing that they were with the person they wanted to be with forever. It was as if they were trying to convey something to me, to the wild, single party boy friend of theirs... and all I could think was "No explanation required".
No show this weekend. I had too much going on and couldn't fit it in. Shows what a crazy life I'm living at the moment when even a 3-day weekend doesn't give me enough time to find "the only bliss that I know won't end".
2 comments:
I'm looking forward to hearing your latest piece of work! The way you're able to express yourself has always captivated me. Hence all the hours of endless conversation we shared lol
You said in your post that we would never be what you wanted us to be. What do you mean by that? What did you want us to be? I ask only because in some of your last postings you said that it would be inevitable that you would become bored with me and that our relationship would become stagnate. I am aware that this may not be related in any sort of way, but it's an example. I also understand that just because you think it is inevitable, it doesn't necessarily mean you do not long for it. I don't just mean w/ me of course.
LOL I find it comical that you wish not to tarnish the image I have of you just like I didn't want my image wrecked in your head of me.
But I confessed my sins to you anyway. And now I think it's your turn. I don't think that my image of you could really be impacted anyway, only because you and I were then, and well it's not 'then' anymore and due to circumstance things change, and people change. They grow. Don't you think that I went on a few benders of my own???? Matter of fact I was on my little anger, freedom, maneater kick when I met Eric. Just comes to show you that there was 'something' telling me that I had had enough fun and that I needed to re-examine my situation. A fork in the road so to speak. LOL Or maybe I decided that wasn't me and not really who I wanted to be, so I subconsciously created this fork for myself. LOL Who knows, but I have been in the same state of mind that you're in now many times before, and I love when I feel that free and that noncommittal and nonchalant because I'm usually the opposite! As far producing 'bad' karma, so what? You're creating and returning karma to the other people that you run into. That's what makes the world go around. Just be willing to accept it when it comes back, and then there's no problem. Know what I mean?
Have to run for now...
XOXO
What I wanted us to be... hard to explain and easy to explain. When I spoke of dinner with new friends the other night, the husband (of 9 years now) was telling how they first met. How their first date wouldn't end, like 7 hours. How it was the first time he immediately was able to picture a woman in his life way into the distance, walking the world together. He said he knew he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life after the first couple of times they were together, but he had to wait a few months to tell her that in fear of scaring her away.
I know what that feels like.
Only I had this clock ticking so I didn't have the luxury of playing it low key for months.
Not that we would have worked out if we had stayed together, but I wanted us to.
I wanted you to be the person that was on my arm at every party, at my side on every
trip out into the world and asleep next to me every morning when I woke.
The fact that it didn't happen and never will is now a very powerful creative inspiration. Because it wasn't allowed to dull and wasn't sullied by one of us disappointing or betraying the other, in my mind you still have this idealized image. You're still on the pedestal that I put you on during that first month, which is normal. But then it all was taken away so you never had time to decrease yourself in my mind, which is the unique part. That's what I meant by you not being in reality who I see you as in my head.
After all, if you were, there wouldn't be any distance between us. ;)
As for my current shenanigans. Basically I'm just playing the field rigorously. Not being deceptive, as I'm not beholden to anyone, but I'm definitely actively using my charms for the first time in my life to seduce and manipulate. Everyone is having a good time, but there is always the potential for someone to get hurt if anyone forms an attachment. I'm not being anything different from an average guy, but that's something I've never been and have prided myself on not being.
I'm actually much happier playing with romance on this superficial level. Funny, because I'm pretty sure that I no longer have the ability to cry. I seriously cried it all out from 2002-2004. And now I'm starting to think I no longer possess the ability to fall in love either. Which is a good thing.
I have always fallen too quickly and too hard. But now I'm so jaded that I can only see romantic escapades as finite distractions. I have no illusions about the fact that they will end, probably rather quickly. Fun little physical/psychological romps that feed the ego much in the way a roller coaster gives you a wide smile. The ride isn't going to last and it doesn't bring you true happiness, just a quick thrill. My only concern is someone not having the same expectations as me, which is where the karma comes in. I can't help but be concerned. I'm not being evil, but I don't want my little thrills to come at someone else's expense, that's all. Especially after the "Betrayer" incident with my phone. I learned pretty quickly how pursuing what I want can wreak havoc on other people.
I've been in situations like you describe, where you're subconsciously laying waste to yourself for some unknown reason. This isn't that. I've done that. That feels wrong... hungover... after the thrill there is this feeling of... "wrong" on everything. That's not how I feel right now. I'm not being self-destructive, but I worry that maybe I'm potentially being a bit destructive to others.
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