The Circle Continues

Days before Christmas I got a call from my mom. Her boss gave her tickets to use his AA Center skybox for the Mav's game on Friday so she asked if I wanted to drive up early and go. I don't care about basketball, but I can never resist a posh event so I went. I realized on the way up that the last time I was in a suite at the AA Center was as a guest of the owner of the company where you and I met. It was on a really bad day when things had started down the path of my demise in the company which came about 2 weeks later.

It was interesting to realize that I was once again treading some of the exact same paths that I did 5 years ago, but the difference in life then and now, the difference in my current upward skyrocket and the downward spiral of those days is easy to appreciate. It was a nice night but hard to shake the memories of how nasty things were about to get the last time I had this view:

(click to enlarge)

I'm not sure if you come here these days. No comments from you in a while. I know that your work life was getting a little sketchy the last time we spoke, I hope nothing bad has happened. I know all too well how worrying about your livelihood can wreak havoc on things. Maybe you're just staying quiet. In any case, I'll continue to post here when I have something to share. If you aren't in a place where you can stop by right now it'll all be here later when you can.

Christmas was okay. I've been to the show 3 times in the last month. Probably going to go one more time before NYE. That's actually been the highpoint of the holidays for me. Every time I've gone it's been with close friends, and even a few who have never gone before. Tons of fun as always.

Supposed to hang out with the same group of friends that made my birthday so fantastic this NYE so it'll be a ton of fun. I've managed to procure 5 bottles of Veuve for the occasion due to some funny circumstances which dropped a bottle in my lap here and there. Funny how it has become iconic and a symbol of comparison for life now vs. 3 or 4 years ago.

I continue to be incredibly happy. This has been a really, really good year.

I hope all is well and you got everything you wanted for Christmas. I'll give you a little thought when I kiss whomever is nearest at the stroke of midnight on NYE.

(Almost) Full Circle

When I texted you Friday night it was only half way through the evening, otherwise I would have had even more to say about the night and how great it was.

A group of friends (15 or so) surprised me with a party downtown. Started with drinks and then a comedy skit show. One member of our group even got recruited to go on stage, which was great because he was actually a friend of a friend and easily the most reserved of the bunch. We thought he was going to be irritated about it but he ended up having a great time.

After the show we decided to hit a club. I had a really nice, new, high-end place in mind but one of the group pointed out that his friend was spinning at another place on the way to my suggestion. We had been there a week earlier and he did a great job, plus the place was perfect for the group we had going, so I was totally on board for that again. The friend called ahead and the DJ sent someone down to comp the entire group. We went upstairs and ended up on an outdoor terrace with the entire "VIP" area surrounding the DJ to ourselves. At this point I decided that champagne was in order. I tried to order a few bottles without everyone knowing so that I could pay for it but as soon as my friends found out they said they were having none of that. So 6 bottles of my favorite champagne rolled out to the group and I suddenly realized... Here I am, surrounded by a huge group of friends, all about to toast me and our friendship on a rooftop terrace under the stars. Life is good, the job is good, home is good, I'm happy and have (almost) everything I had before. In that moment, with my flute raised, looking at all the smiles around me I realized that it truly has come full circle... almost. :)

We had a fantastic time. The DJ spun us a great set. We drank, danced, laughed, hugged and everyone went home with huge smiles on their faces. And for me it meant even more (which I tried to convey in my toast to all of them), but I think only you and Ang could possibly relate to the impact the moment had on me.

It was easily the best night I've had since I moved here and one of the best of my life.

Still not in the top 3 though.

Almost. :)

---

Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?

Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

---

---

Retrospect

First, I've answered your last question in the comments for the previous post. Sorry, I didn't see it there for a while.

The Thanksgiving week was a unique one this year. My parents are in a new place, which is in the heart of the area my friends and I frequented right before I left. The house is big, quiet and affords me a ton of privacy. I stay down on one end, sort of my own "wing", so it was a great place to decompress.

I decided this time I would actually see all my old friends. We always say we're going to get together, but when the time comes everyone is already booked with plans. It was a little odd though, and added to the intensity of the "coming home" feeling that was pervasive throughout the week. Seeing the friends I was around before I left and going to the places where we used to go was a very powerful reminder. Part of me felt like I could take a different turn at a stoplight and go right back to my old home there.

All the nights were with friends you had met. We went to some of the same restaurants and the Mojitos flowed endlessly. Except for the cold it was very much like those nights 5 years ago. At one point Ang even referenced you, playfully calling you "[your name] Milkbar" as a nod to that night when everyone was together.

Since I was in the area I decided to swing by and take a few pics. They aren't as good as I wanted, but they capture the place pretty well. The memory is probably really faded for you by now, but maybe these will ring a bell.

Click to see full-sized images

All of this had me thinking on the way home, partly due to your question on the previous post and your messages during the week. Usually I'll post lyrics here to wrap up each post, a bit trite, I know, but at least (I think) they tend to be from songs off the beaten path so maybe you'll look them up and get exposed to something you wouldn't have heard otherwise.
I also realized that I tend to use music like photographs, capturing moments very succinctly. Even though these songs may not represent what I feel now, they do a nice job of expressing what I felt at one time, even if they are new or something that I hadn't yet heard when the memories were made. If I hear something today that makes me think "I remember feeling that" then I can relate.

---

So here are a few:
VNV Nation - Beloved
"My beloved do you know that when the warm wind comes again, another year will start to pass?"
Lifehouse - Everything
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anything.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray that this moment lasts forever."
Hooverphonic - Renaissance Affair
"I miss you all the time I must face
I miss your touch and your embrace"
Onyx Whisper - The Second Song
"And she's laying so softly, next to me
whispering things I used to only hear in my dreams.
She makes love so slowly, so subtly
washed in blue as she moves under me."
Oceanlab - Sky Falls Down
"You know when it hits you, you know when you feel it, there's no mistaking when you fall."
Ascension - For a Lifetime
"The world I cling to is the world where you will always walk with me."
Matthew Good - Weapon
"Here by my side, an angel"

---

---

Inconsiderate

Last Friday I went to a blowout party at a coworker's house. I had hoped to turn it into an excuse to act upon a little infatuation I had growing, but it didn't work out. For the best. I was getting distracted and losing sight of the fact that I'm happy and complicating my life will only ruin that. But it concerns me that I've obviously not completely learned that lesson and still have this addiction to the attention of beautiful women. The thing I can't figure out is what triggers it. I've seen gorgeous women every day for months. I notice them, smile because I'm happy, then in a very "unlike me" way, go on about my life without discontent.
But then a certain someone catches my eye and it's hard to shake. The need to engage the person, the need to be noticed. I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what it is that causes that click. If it's the person, something special about them, or if it's me, where I'm at, what I'm feeling. Or maybe it's just timing. Maybe I'm more susceptible at times.

Anyway. None of that is important. What is important is that once the party did come around I was back in my old mindset. No hope of meeting, no desire to do so. Just hanging out with friends, drinking, dancing and actually getting to throw out a few songs that got the place going wild. It's always nice when people who have never seen me socially are completely taken aback when my party persona breaks out. And it's especially nice to be able to dance and have people clap and cheer because you're good at it.

Afterwards I was chastised by a friend's wife. Told that my current friendship with my ex is a very inconsiderate thing to be doing. I didn't take it to heart too deeply because I know I'm not rampaging on anyone's emotions, but it's still hard to know 100% for sure that I'm navigating safely and not letting loose harm into the world that might come back to haunt me.

"It's so totally obvious that she's still completely in love with you"

The chain is forever strong.

---

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.

And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.

is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.

Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.

You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do

More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

---

---

Wishlist

Every year as a child, when Christmas would agonizingly slowly inch near, I would crack open the Sears catalog, head straight to the back and start making a list of all the toys I wanted. At the time it was the only window browsing a 7-year-old could manage. If only there were a catalog where we could realize our wishes as adults.

So, I give you this year's Christmas Wishlist:

1. Tickets to the show. Preferably 20 or more so that I can see it many times and even bring a few friends. (Practically guaranteed)

2. A certain someone escorted by me to the party in two weeks. (Very unlikely)

3. You on a plane to Houston. I meet you there, pick you up and drive us on to the gulf. We board a ship and spend 7 nights in the Caribbean. Private cabin, balcony overlooking the passing water. Nights in the wind on deck, days on sunny beaches. Drinks, dancing, solitude and all that we bring with it. (Financially easy, Realistically impossible)

(exactly what i saw in one of the many moments when you should have been near - click it!)

4. Seeing the show with you. (Moderately impossible, for the moment)

Unpleasant

First, I'd like to say that I know how obnoxious it is to listen to other people's dreams and I'm guilty of being the least patient person in the world when it comes to that, so I apologize for posts like this in advance.

I have no idea why you showed up in my sleep last night. I guess you're in my mind as much as ever but this was sort of surprising.

You called me out of the blue and were telling me that I needed to make plans to come see you. You were saying it like it was something we had already planned and discussed. I asked you why it was suddenly so urgent and you said it was because you were going to be traveling and didn't know when you'd be able to see me. Okay...
Then it turns out you're calling me from a bus station nearby. You didn't mean for me to fly out, you meant for me to hurry up and catch you while you were here, before your bus left. (why you were on a bus rather than plane, I have no idea. Heh.)
So suddenly I'm there, walking into this bus station diner where you're having lunch with your Mom, the Tank and some guy who introduces himself as David. I couldn't tell if David was *with* you, he didn't exactly act like it... but he didn't not act like it either. He hopped up and introduced himself, saying it was great to meet me and he'd heard much about me. Then he started asking me all these questions about starting a business and how to make money. Weird.
I kept looking at you and there was this odd sort of urgent anticipation between us. I didn't want to be rude with your family there, but I wanted desperately to pull you aside and ask what you were doing there. And I could tell you wanted that to.
I stayed and talked for a minute then excused myself to go to the restroom, giving you a look as I turned. You waited a moment then followed. We went to another section of the diner, behind glass doors and immediately were in each other's arms, your face buried in the side of my neck as I held you so tightly I thought I might break you. We stayed locked like that, not moving, not talking. People walked by and we seemed to pay no notice. Some of them smiled. An old couple passed by and the woman commented about how sweet it was.
Then David came wandering in. I was edgy about what was about to happen, but he didn't act odd at all. I still couldn't understand who he was. If you were together and he was just playing it cool or if he was only a friend and knew that part of your little journey included seeing me. He started asking me more questions about making money as you scurried quickly back to the table. I watched you go, feeling frustrated, held back with him babbling at me while I only wanted to get to you and find out what was going on.
Eventually I made it back to the table where you were sitting again and either your mom or David said it was time to leave. Before I could say anything you looked at me, very starkly but as if you were holding back a wave. You said "Yes, Jeff, you should just go" and it was clear that you were afraid if I lingered it would cause something bad to happen. Again I was confused. Maybe your mom didn't like you seeing me. Or was it the David thing? I was still completely lost about everything.
I chose to just walk away as you suggested, but I didn't lose your gaze the entire time I backed away. With each step it looked more and more like you were going to cry and I could feel myself starting to come undone a little bit.
I made it back to the area where we had hugged and watched through the glass. All of you got up and headed out, I assume toward the buses.
I was standing next to the table where the old people were sitting and one of them said, either to me or to the world in general "That isn't right". Then, unmistakably to me "You should do something about that".

And then I woke up. An hour before the alarm and thinking to myself "I really don't need dreams like that, thanks". Heh.

It always leaves me feeling weird when I dream about you, but it's usually pleasant, like I got to share a nice moment with you again. This was different, and sort of clouded my mood a little for the first couple of hours of the morning. It was a bit like a little taste of what it was really like years ago. I guess maybe it can be seen as a metaphor for our entire time together.

Next I think I'll share my Christmas wish list. Heh, that should be entertaining. Bring a swimsuit.

---

Imogen Heap - The Walk
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

---

---

Sleepless

I'm not sleeping well lately. I'm sure part of it is because I'm spending so much static time as I heal but I know there's more to it. I'm not keeping myself creatively entertained so I'm getting stagnant.

A friend recently brought up the years of artistic endeavors that made up my entire life from 87-94. It prompted me to go dig up a stack of tapes that encompassed all the original music I wrote and recorded in those days. Interesting to go through it all and to be reminded of the inspiration(s) for so much creativity. It also makes it clear how my life now has little of that. That's partly a good thing because that period was so tumultuous and often finding the impetus for creative work (for me) involves some fairly self-destructive behavior. There were even times when I knew I was engaging in bad situations just to fuel my dark, creative side.

But beyond the times that I wouldn't want to relive just for the sake of being creative it paints a sharp contrast on how routine, safe and common my days are now. I guess the unfortunate part of it all is that I only seem to feel tremendous passion in situations that are inevitably negative for my longterm good. I don't want to detour from all the positives my life entails now, but I miss feeling as though I'm doing things that have a bigger impact than just getting through another day in an average life.

Thanks for the song. Interesting to think that lines like that make you think of us. It isn't surprising... and yet it is. I love knowing that I'm the one your mind turns to when people describe things like that. Lately when I go off into thoughts of you it generally involves a spontaneous rendezvous, usually dropping everything to meet in some paradise. Convincing you to set life aside for a few days and spend them here or at some secluded getaway where I can share moments and places with you that I wish I could have during the last few years. At certain times little is said and it doesn't need to be, I'm near you and it feels as natural as it always did. Other times it's hours of conversation on nighttime beaches, at restaurant tables or as we nuzzle together on couches or in bed. But ultimately the part of the fantasy that I like the most is the familiarity of it, how it is almost as though there always was and always will be an "us", we just decide to meet up and be "us" again for a few days, taking a vacation from daily life to actually live. I'm an escapist so it makes sense that would be my thing. :)

Two nights ago I was driving home from a friends house, windows down, sunroof open, perfectly-warm wind whipping through the car as streetlights streaked by. It was easy to think how nice a moment that would be to share with you. Sorry that things are so messed up for you right now. I wish you could just disappear to some peaceful place like the ones I imagine.

I should probably really try to get some sleep.

The Real World

You said that we rarely talk about our current lives when we speak, so here's a little rundown on what's been going on with me. It sort of goes in the opposite direction of what I created this little haven to be, but I guess everything evolves.

I've had a problem with one of my knees for years. A holdover from a youth of BMX and skateboarding. I tweaked it again recently and it kept me off of my feet for a couple of days, worse than ever. It was enough for my doc to finally agree that we should operate. Turns out I had a cartilage tear which they repaired with simple surgery about 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been on the couch. It's cool because I'm able to work remotely so I'm not losing ground at work or anything. In a few weeks, once it's all healed up it'll hopefully put the long-nagging problem behind me for good.

Oddly, the ex ex has been helping out here and there. I've been careful to keep things friendly, just to avoid anything getting messy (and unbalancing karma again). Not to sound arrogant, because she is probably the only ex I would say this about, but I can see that she would still jump at at the chance for us to be "us" again. I'm still very much in my mindset of not wanting to be involved with anyone at all. Funny, cause I've even recently met people which I know I would have been very interested in a few years ago, but now I sort of play the situation out in my head. I think "what would happen if I did get what I want?" and it doesn't take long to come back around to knowing that ultimately it would just make life unbearably complicated and less enjoyable than it is right now.

I know that part of it is also an increasing cynicism. I have a friend of a friend who is recently divorced from her high school sweetheart. So this is sort of her first foray into the world of dating as an adult. She's experiencing things that most of us did in our late teens/early 20's now in her early 30's. Part of this period involves online dating, with which I've had a fair amount of experience and realize seems to create more hope and anticipation than traditional meetings. So each week there's a new infatuation filled with all this hope, promise and excitement for her. I don't take any of it seriously. I'm glad she's having fun, but it's interesting for me to see how my perception is different these days. I guess I have a "have fun while it lasts" attitude... "because nothing ever does". I don't rain on anyone's parade or anything, but I just don't look to love to bring sunshine, rainbows and endless bliss so it's interesting to watch people who are still very invested in making their life "magical" with love as the lynchpin.

How Hard It Must Be

My life these days is odd. It seems a bit unreal, very... "in between". This is a transitional phase. An interesting side effect is the way the many facets of the last few years have intertwined.

I work with my two recent ex-girlfriends, although I have more contact with the ex ex than the most recent one.

And then there is this place. This little sanctuary I created where I can go to resurrect the emotional parts of me, the parts that seem to have completely evaporated when you did. Resurrect them and share them with you.

There was an odd moment a few weeks ago. I was transitioning from my old job to a new one within the same company. My new job is a dream. So finally I get to do what I love to and maintain the nice paycheck. Finally my professional life is in sync.

During this transition came the obligatory "going away" where my old team said farewell as I moved to a new group. The ex ex was there... not more than 3 feet from the most recent ex at one point. I couldn't help but think how difficult that must have been for ex ex.

She still contacts me at any opportunity, using any excuse to keep me within reach... and now that I'm single again I can see that increasing. It's fine. We were great friends and there are many facets to our relationship that I miss. I can very mush understand the concept of not wanting to completely let go. ;)

But in a moment of that after-hours drunken stupor I realized how difficult the moment must have been for her. I thought about what it would have been like for me if you had been only five feet away. Current partner aside, just being that close to you, especially with the blur of alcohol in my veins, it would have been impossible for me to maintain any distance from you.

I don't want to be an evil person, and I try my best to not be. I've tried to do good things since karma (as i see it) chose to teach me a lesson 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling as though I'm still creating a bit of pain in the universe due to moments like that which have me at the epicenter.

In any case, I can at least empathize with how powerful that moment must have been (for her). I find it hard to convince myself that if the situation had been translated, with you smiling and laughing only 5 feet away from me, I would have been powerless to not go to you, squat at your feet as I did on the SambaMilk night, on the terrace under the stars, and look into your almond eyes. I don't know what I'd say. Perhaps nothing. Just to look again might be enough. (but it wouldn't, I know better... I'd want a repeat of the spiraling ecstasy moments that came an hour later). I know what I would have done because it's what I do when you come to me in dreams. Those nights are rare, but when they come, I am always near you as much as I can be.

And this, again, is the unbroken chain.

Funny, I once said I thought getting over the last 5% would take a while. But now I believe that the last 5% will never be gone at all.

:)

(I get messages of this ilk from her, which is how I understand)

Oh, and...

Tonight I sat peacefully and thought of something you asked recently... why we always go back to those nights even though they were so far away and so long ago.

I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me.

For me the answer is simple: I go back to those nights simply because there has not been another night since then that has been that good.

I've had good nights during the last 5 years.. and to quote a song that has been with me for... probably 25 years... "other loves have come and gone"... but there hasn't been a better night since the 5 really big ones I shared with you.

Purple Vanilla
Samba Milk
(quoting you) "The first time we... well... you know"
The fight night when I carried you to bed
The last night I saw your face

It sucks, I know... and I don't hold on to these things, refusing to move forward. I did that for a while, but then I dove headlong into the world in front of me and only occasionally glanced back. But in all the nights since, all the people who have some and gone, all the moments that have passed, all the places I have been, people I've seen, words I've spoken and sights I've beheld, there has yet to be a moment that I wouldn't trade for one of those 5 nights. I wish that weren't the case and I've tried to make it so, but it's still a fact.

I spent tonight in the company of a beautiful woman (my drug) and she laughed and we flirted and it was pleasant and fun.. but...

Always "but".

"but" means that I lost more than just you that night on the phone/IM. I knew it would happen and I think it's why I took it so hard when you left. I lost hope.

I finally came to a realization that most people come to in their early adolescence (I'm naive and a late bloomer): The fact that no one is going to come along and make everything wonderful. No one is going to come along and save me. People are just people and the world is just the world and life is just life.

So now when I go out into the world, I have fun and I love being smiled at by beautiful women, but I no longer have this hope that maybe they will be this wonderful person that will change everything. I just see them for what they are: people. People just like you and me and everyone else. No one gets on a pedestal anymore. That part of me is gone. And I wish it weren't so, but it is and although I've tried, I can't change it.

I remember I once wrote in my other blog that I wished I could go back to the time before you left, not just because I could relive those moments with you, but mainly because then I would remember what it felt like to be me before I lost you... and everything that went with you.

This is rambling and I apologize, but to wrap it up cleanly: I believe I'll stop going back to those nights when I have better ones to think about. Only I'm not sure that will ever happen... because as the last two women who have shared life with me will attest, I no longer seem capable of being overcome and overwhelmed with love. I just live.

---

Kim Carnes - I'll Be Here Where the Heart Is
It's the song that just keeps playing on the radio
And you know I haven't seen you for a while
I lie awake at night and I wonder how you are
and I wish that I could see you again

Is it luck or is it fate that brings us back?
Or is it just a common point of view?
Time has put a spell on you, you never seem to change
and I wish that I could see you again

I'll be here where the heart is
when the dreams that we've been after all come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you

It's the light that keeps shining day after day
when other loves have come and gone
I'll be here with open arms to take you in
and I wish that I could see you again

And in between
And when I need to see you again
All I have to do is close my eyes
Oh the picture's coming in my friend
I'll hold you again
But who knows when

I'll be here where the heart is
When the dreams that we've been after
All come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you

---

---

Solo

It appears that another chapter in my life is closing. My current relationship is ending. It's for the best and has been as painless as possible for everyone so far, but the situation is never an easy one, no matter which side you're on.

So now I'll go into a period of reflection, trying to determine what I've learned, what was right, what was wrong and how it will affect me as I move forward.

For the first time... maybe ever... I have no desire to be involved in anything with anyone right now. Probably not for some time, if at all. Part of me is getting to a point where I'm realizing that I'm not very good in a romantic relationship. Not for me or the other person. I'm good for about 2 weeks, during the real high of "I can't believe this is happening!". Then this fear wraps around everything. Once I have what I want (or at least it appears I'm going to have it) then I become terrified of losing it, of the vulnerable position I've put myself in by needing something/someone. That's the point where I become all the things that no one wants: jealous, possessive, insecure. Then the relationship becomes nothing but misery for me. I remember feeling that start with you. After you had left and you went away for a camping trip for a few days. It was the first time we hadn't talked for hours a day, every day, since we started talking at all. You came back and said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, but during those short few days without you I remember feeling it crawling up in me and thinking "Here's where the bad part begins. She's precious to me now and I have her, so going forward I'm going to be terrified of losing her."

If the person is strong enough to weather my insecure BS period (usually about 3-4 months, depending on how comfortable the other person makes me) then I seem to slowly degrade into apathy until the relationship disintegrates. This can take years. Long, painful years.

My relationships are also getting shorter. Early on they took about 4 years to run their course. The last couple have only lasted a year or two. Maybe I'm at least learning to end things before those long, painful years drag on. But in any case, I'm realizing that I'm just not a very good romantic partner, not beyond the brief courtship period anyway. So I think I'll spare myself (and everyone else) the emotional turmoil... for a while anyway. And when/if I do decide to jump back in I think I'll preface it by telling the other person to only plan on a couple of weeks of fun, if they need more than that then they should just move along. Heh.

I've thought quite a bit about something a friend said to me once. I was whining about being single and he pointed out that some of the happiest times of my life (true happiness, not the pleasurable infatuations that are more akin to a drug high) have been when I was single. I thought about that and it's completely accurate. You came along at the end of the best period of my life. I remember feeling like something was missing in my life but I mostly remember this great feeling that I was exactly where I wanted to be, lived how I wanted to live and my life was wrapped around me exactly as I wanted it to be. I can feel that starting again. The thing that always seems to ruin those periods is me getting involved with something. Heh.

Interesting that it is happening almost in conjunction with a job change which also makes me very happy. It's as if everything renews at once. It will make it easy to look back and remember exactly when one era ended and another began, easy to compare my happiness before and after.

There's something you should see, if you haven't. It's older, but it's a favorite of mine and I stumbled across it again this weekend. It's called Flirting. Very "me" in an overly-romantic reminiscence sort of way. But near the end there is this sort of "time is short" theme that felt very familiar. Although they try to play off of Kidman's later popularity in the marketing, she has little to do with the story. It's actually about an exotic beauty and a scrawny white boy. Heh. Familiar. Rent it if you can.

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Thrillseekers - Getting Away With It
"You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
Don't be afraid of it.
You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I never thought I did.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
and getting away with it.

I suppose you're gonna run me down now,
run me down and treat me like a criminal."

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Dreams and the Unbroken Chain

My life is interesting these days. I have the job that I always wanted, I'm more successful than I've ever been, I'm financially more stable than ever and (as always) I have plenty of creative outlets in my free time which leave me feeling very fulfilled. But still there is something missing. There always is.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.

I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.

5 Years

I realized this weekend that it's been 5 years since we were "us". It's always odd when you can look back and then put a number on the time that has passed and it's bigger than you would have expected. I remember that feeling the first time I realized that I could remember things that happened 20 years ago, or friends that I've known for 20 years. It doesn't feel that way at all. My mom said that even though she is in her late 50's she still feels that way, apparently it never goes away. You never feel as old as you are, you always feel like you're in your early 20's... on the inside anyway.

This time of year always has me thinking back more than usual. It was actually right around this week that things were starting to happen for us back then.

I came across this today as I was cruising through the morning news articles:
Summer Sights in the Sky
Not as good as when we saw all 5 (plus the moon) but it's the same.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again. You say you hope we will remain friends forever and I think we will. I know I'll always come back to memories of that summer because no matter how happy or sad I am, it's hard not to feel good when remembering the soft warmth of the world around me in those days. So I'm sure I'll think back to that period from time to time as long as I live.

A friend told me this week that his father is having a rough time fighting cancer. I thought about what I would do if I found out my time was limited. What things would I want to get done while I still could? I would definitely want to see you again, so I would make that happen.

It wouldn't make sense in the midst of normal daily life but spending another evening smiling at you from across a restaurant table would be on the short list of things to do if time were a factor. If how I spent every minute were vitally important then using up a few hours that way would be a good investment.

The odd thing is, I know how I see you now, the changes I can see in you (at least from the brief glimpses I get of who you are now). What I really wonder is what you would see differently in me. I wonder if I'm more positive, more cynical, less romantic, less idealistic, happier, more self-assured... or the opposite of all those... or exactly the same?

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VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.

And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me?"

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Initiation

"everyone needs a place"

I decided to create this spot to be able to say the things I want to say from time to time. The logistics of communication isn't always easy, so perhaps this will make it possible for me to say what I want and for you to read it when you have the time. Plus you can always comment back.

* I will say up front that I know I'll over-romanticize things here, that I'll overlook the reality which is that we ended up exactly where we should have, exactly where we would have no matter what either of us had done differently back then. But I also know that although we've become very different I remember vividly the short period where we were very much alike, which can't be denied. Hours of laughter, conversation, practically finishing each other's thoughts and having to force the nights to end. When I think of us I sometimes wonder who each of us would have become if we hadn't been apart all this time. But that's the part which makes me sad, so I don't linger there.

It's funny, because I'll go through periods where we never really come to mind much. Not that it's forgotten or doesn't matter anymore, but rather I seem to have very little time to just sit and let my thoughts wander, so something specific usually has to bring you to mind.
Then there will be other periods where the memory of us seems to be everywhere. Songs, images, places, etc. pile up and I sometimes spend days missing you.

Odd things bring it to life. This will sound stupid, but the taste of Vanilla Coke is a powerful reminder. Coke had just released their official version when we met. I remember us even talking about it, comparing our thoughts after trying it (separately) for the first time. I ended up drinking it frequently during that period. Then not so much. And now it's off the market.
Anytime I get one from Sonic (not an official Coke version, but still very similar) it makes things very reminiscent of those early summer days.

So, I got your message. Actually getting back to you is impossible as always, so I'll leave this for you here... with a question:
What was on your mind to make you send me those two words? You've read the way I remember that night and the details I hold on to. Your eyes, your lips, my tears and the first time I uttered the words.
What were you thinking about that made you smile and then take a moment to send the thought to me, with kisses and hugs attached?

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VNV Nation - Beloved
"my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass?
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember"

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