Tonight I sat peacefully and thought of something you asked recently... why we always go back to those nights even though they were so far away and so long ago.
I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me.
For me the answer is simple: I go back to those nights simply because there has not been another night since then that has been that good.
I've had good nights during the last 5 years.. and to quote a song that has been with me for... probably 25 years... "other loves have come and gone"... but there hasn't been a better night since the 5 really big ones I shared with you.
Purple Vanilla
Samba Milk
(quoting you) "The first time we... well... you know"
The fight night when I carried you to bed
The last night I saw your face
It sucks, I know... and I don't hold on to these things, refusing to move forward. I did that for a while, but then I dove headlong into the world in front of me and only occasionally glanced back. But in all the nights since, all the people who have some and gone, all the moments that have passed, all the places I have been, people I've seen, words I've spoken and sights I've beheld, there has yet to be a moment that I wouldn't trade for one of those 5 nights. I wish that weren't the case and I've tried to make it so, but it's still a fact.
I spent tonight in the company of a beautiful woman (my drug) and she laughed and we flirted and it was pleasant and fun.. but...
Always "but".
"but" means that I lost more than just you that night on the phone/IM. I knew it would happen and I think it's why I took it so hard when you left. I lost hope.
I finally came to a realization that most people come to in their early adolescence (I'm naive and a late bloomer): The fact that no one is going to come along and make everything wonderful. No one is going to come along and save me. People are just people and the world is just the world and life is just life.
So now when I go out into the world, I have fun and I love being smiled at by beautiful women, but I no longer have this hope that maybe they will be this wonderful person that will change everything. I just see them for what they are: people. People just like you and me and everyone else. No one gets on a pedestal anymore. That part of me is gone. And I wish it weren't so, but it is and although I've tried, I can't change it.
I remember I once wrote in my other blog that I wished I could go back to the time before you left, not just because I could relive those moments with you, but mainly because then I would remember what it felt like to be me before I lost you... and everything that went with you.
This is rambling and I apologize, but to wrap it up cleanly: I believe I'll stop going back to those nights when I have better ones to think about. Only I'm not sure that will ever happen... because as the last two women who have shared life with me will attest, I no longer seem capable of being overcome and overwhelmed with love. I just live.
Kim Carnes - I'll Be Here Where the Heart Is
It's the song that just keeps playing on the radio
And you know I haven't seen you for a while
I lie awake at night and I wonder how you are
and I wish that I could see you again
Is it luck or is it fate that brings us back?
Or is it just a common point of view?
Time has put a spell on you, you never seem to change
and I wish that I could see you again
I'll be here where the heart is
when the dreams that we've been after all come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
It's the light that keeps shining day after day
when other loves have come and gone
I'll be here with open arms to take you in
and I wish that I could see you again
And in between
And when I need to see you again
All I have to do is close my eyes
Oh the picture's coming in my friend
I'll hold you again
But who knows when
I'll be here where the heart is
When the dreams that we've been after
All come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
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