Closure

I was never going to do this, write this, and maybe (possibly even hopefully) you don't come here anymore and will never read it. Again, some things in this life are just between me and me, but this seems like the appropriate place to put it.

I'm in the midst of something. Something that looks like you (looks like us), feels like you (feels like us), sounds like you (sounds like us), smells like you and brings up feelings that don't surprise me. The only surprise is that I'm getting to do it all again, almost verbatim, and this late in life.

The first moment I saw her it shook me to my foundation. And then she appeared by chance again. And again. Whether it's reality or my twisted perception, in my mind fate was punching me squarely in the teeth and telling me to pay attention. I've felt things since you left, but this is only the second time in my life I've felt anything like this.

The reminders of you were staggering. Half Japanese, the same age you were when we met (even more scandalous now, I know), hasn't been here long from a state out West and is contemplating leaving to go back "home". Curves that feel as though I sculpted her myself when my hands move over her body. The scent of her skin like home. Subtly-hidden tattos, each with a back story. Flat, hard stomach. Glasses in the evening. Sloppy pony tails. Sweeping her up as she sleeps on the couch and carrying her to bed. Hours and hours of conversation and millions upon millions of kisses. All too familiar.

So I'll play this game again, knowing that a huge part of the initial attraction was fueled by unfinished feelings for you. She came along with the huge advantage of me already being in love with her before we ever met. This ghost of you, of us.

Recently, after I had met her, but before I had gotten her attention and she had become a part of my life, a group of friends secretly swept me away to Vegas for a surprise birthday party. They were already there waiting as I was limo'd to the airport and flew first class solo. It gave me time to think as I flew past you. As I flew past Tucson, the place we decided would be "neutral ground", where we would one day live after a few years of marriage and your desire to leave CO finally kicked in. To think about how my mind always turns to you on airplanes, how I love you when I'm on airplanes. Anytime I'm going somewhere. I don't know why. Maybe it's because of all the places I've been, all the people I've been to them with, ultimately it still feels lacking because when I looked forward with you in my arms, you were supposed to be there.

The idea was for me to get everything on my birthday that I always say parties are lacking. Strippers, hookers, coke, ecstasy, etc etc. Mostly it was a joke, but my friends decided to try and bring it to that level as much as possible.
So there I sat, in the Spearmint Rhino with a line of Asian strippers waiting to give me lap dances at the behest of my Asian ex-girlfriend who organized the entire event. It hit me like a bolt that just about everything important in my life at this moment can be traced back to you.
Every girl I've dated since you is laced with something that was inspired by you. So many people who have shaped and guided my life (like the ex who organized the trip) are only in my life because of the seed you planted and my endless desire to recapture the feelings I had for you, the nights we shared and the hope I had. My job is a result of an ex who only caught my attention because of what you sowed in me. My house is the result of said job and prodding from another ex, an ex who only got my attention, again, because of the poison you laid in the wound.

Eventually I gave up on the hope and decided to just be happy with the 4/5ths. I was, and I still am. But it's hard to overlook the impact we had on me, when so much of my life is tangled up in people whom I invited into my life only because they held some semblance of the little girl with a ring tattoo and slight lisp that ran away with a piece of me, never to return, never to give that piece back.

I used to see you all the time. Then something changed and I hadn't seen you in years, but I saw you last October. At first it was out in clubs or on the streets, skewed by the slight twinge of alcohol. There would always be someone, the shape of the eyes, the fullness of the lips, the long brown hair... something. It would click in my mind and I would double-take, needing a few seconds to realize that you were far, far away and I would most likely never see you again. After a time that faded, occurred less frequently and eventually not at all. I had forgotten the taste and smell of your skin, the exact shade of your brown eyes and the sound of your voice.

Then one day, when I had finally gotten to the point where I hardly thought of you at all, I looked up and you were there. Only this time your eyes were the most beautiful green I have ever seen. And this time I refuse to let things unfold to where I have a conversation in 5 years about how rare these things are, after the realization sets in but it's too late.

Something Bad Has Happened

That didn't take long.

My instincts are good.

Never get out of the boat.

Something Bad Is About To Happen

I'll know more in the next 2 days, but it will only verify what I already feel deep down. Some things I just know and this is one of them.

"Great news" means "bad news" for me. And, of course, only after there had been this wonderful ray of hope.

There is a lesson to be learned here and I refuse to finish this without first recognizing and understanding it.

Done

And so it is...

It is what it is.

Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.

It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).

There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?

And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.

I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.

Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.

So This Is Where I'm At

2:15am in the beautiful house. Royksopp playing a song you've never heard as I type away. Tumbler of Macallen next to the keyboard. Now WinAmp has jumped to my favorite song of all time, another song which you will never know. I won't reveal it here... that would be pointless now... and it makes me sad to know that I'll never share it with you. I remember when I looked forward to sharing all my favorite things in life with you. And then...

Home from a night that I was looking forward to more than I've looked forward to anything in a long time. 6 years as a matter of fact. I knew that the others that came along during those years wouldn't shake you from my branches. This is different. This has... had... has... had... has... had...(I can't fucking tell after tonight) the potential to free me of you.

I'm completely upside down, sideways and inverse ballistic. In my life I've been sad. I've been lost. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've been insecure. I've been violent. I've been beautiful. I've been suicidal. I've been at peace. Right now I'm none of those things... but I have never been as confused as I am at this moment.

It only seemed fitting to run to the one woman who has remained in my life while others have come and gone. (but only because I pushed them out due to the fact that I'm never going to be 100% over you and simply can't get over the last 2% that's left)

I'm doing this better than I've ever done it. Butterflies instead of spiders (you won't get that reference, only Ang would). The pace has been perfect. I have mitigated the roller coaster during the in-between moments as much as possible. But still, here I am.

I'm totally fucking up. Losing perspective on the 4/5ths... concentrating on the 1/5th that is missing. The 1/5 that is the drug. The 1/5 that can feel like a good ticket to the show. The 1/5th that you filled. And you were exactly like a drug. Being near you was like X.

I so desperately want to be free of want. "I want to not want" I said... to the ex ex... a woman who knew she would never own my heart like you did... but put up with it anyway.

I'm trying very hard (Rico) to live in the here and now. To just enjoy the moment for what it is... to expect and demand absolutlely nothing more than the precious moments it affords me... but I know I'm on the knife edge now. If I take one more step I'm going to enter the dangerous territory. The minefield I ran full speed into when you were in my life, ran into like a stupid, blind, blissful child.

The question is... when I pose the question... the query of whether or not this worth my time... if when I pose that question I am given the answer I do not want to hear... will I have learned my lesson, get up from the table and walk away? (walk away carrying the flowers I brought with me... and so I ask you the question... do you remember what color they were?)

Spun

"It's all fun and games until you meet someone that actually has potential."

I have been around me long enough to know what is happening, where things are leading and what I can expect. That is the reason why I can say, without a doubt, I have started down a path that is going to end in tears.

I am thoroughly spun.

I mentioned this a couple of posts ago... and now things are moving forward.

Like it was with you, there is someone that I've been crushing on for a while. Recently, with the aid of friends, I managed to find an "in" and start a dialog with her. This led to a lunch date, which was canceled and postponed multiple times due to our busy schedules. Today we finally managed to meet up.
She's very attractive (to me anyway, very much the "exotic" look that melts me... you're familiar with the type... heh) and this was a key reason I was sure that we wouldn't "click". The odds of everything lining up are very slim, so I assumed that she would have no brain, no personality or at best have views that are so distant from mine that I would never be able to suffer them.

I will now digress. As I perform my current juggling act, the one thing that makes it very easy and very enjoyable is the knowledge that none of the women I'm involved with (currently 5) has the possibility of being anything significant in my life. It isn't that they are bad people or that I don't like them. In fact I find them to be very enjoyable in various ways, each bringing me a subtly different shade of happiness. The reasons for the inability to be anything substantial is varied... their ages, their future plans, their long-term desires for life, etc. So I'm living in the here and now and will let them come and go from my life as whim or circumstance suits them.
That is why it works. I am not attached, have no desire to form any attachment and am doing a bang up job of compartmentalizing the various aspects of my life so that my romantic endeavors have little-to-no impact on everything else.

And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...

...and all I could think was "Shit. This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked."

So here I am. Not deep in it yet, but knowing that I'm going to go there. Knowing that I'm not going to push it aside but rather pursue it until it breaks me down. It isn't about having to give up the rest of my little games. It's the knowledge that I happily will, that I'm going to do the same thing I always do. I'm not going to step aside now, which would be the best thing for everyone. No, I'm going to follow through. I can never leave anything alone, never let anything go unknown. It's what kept me from getting up from the table at Ferrari's when you said you were leaving. It's what made me want to spend every single minute with you before you left. It's what tortured me for years after you were gone (and still lingers at times, usually when I go to the show): The Not Knowing.

I'm going to embrace the hope and run with it all the way to the tragic end.

One of two things is going to happen: It will either end quickly, or it will go for a short while and then implode, taking me with it. If it ends quickly it will be another disappointment and a sting that I'll need a few weeks to forget. If it goes for a while... well then, the crash is proportional to how long it lasts, as my hope climbs with each shared moment.

Unlike every other time in my life, this isn't about someone coming to bring in the light, to "save" me. I'm blissfully happy most of the time now, I don't want, nor do I need to be saved. But what this is is a chance to spend time with someone that is very enjoyable, to spend minutes of my life in ways that seem worthwhile and not wasteful. It's always difficult to know that there are people out there with whom I can spend moments that way... and not get to. Finding them is hard, but then being deprived of the enjoyment they can bring... well, that borders on criminal. :)

(Remember, I said in my very first post that I would over-dramatize things here... well, this is definitely one of those occasions)

This is all a long, pessimistic, melodramatic way of saying that I've stumbled across someone that I simply can't ignore. And that has always been my undoing. :(

---

I've posted this one before, but it is very apropos today
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?

Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

---

---

The Power of Making Someone Come

Currently I'm a clown. A clown that is juggling 5 things... all the while trying to get even more balls in the air.
2 of these things are interestingly opposed. Text messages to one are long, detailed, playful, flirtatious and sweet. But our time face to face is awkward and slightly strained. Time face to face with the other is very affectionate, playful, enjoyable and warm. But texts are short, curt and somewhat stoic. It shows either the stark delineation between how different people have different comfort levels with anonymity vs. real contact... or that the quality of a person's technology makes a big difference in how easy it is for them to convey emotion. Heh.

I'm sleeping with one of them and I realize there is a specific quality to it that intensifies everything for me. I make her come.

Before I go down that road... I'll rewind a bit. My last two relationships involved no orgasms for my partners during sex (of any kind). One of them could only do it herself (but not in the presence of another person) and the other couldn't at all (Not just with me, with anyone). I hadn't realized until now just how important that really is for me to be happy sexually.
I've had people who did an incredible job of rocking my shit in the sack. They would go to great lengths to make me happy... but I can now look back and see that if I couldn't make them come then all that effort resulted in a fairly lackluster feeling for me. I definitely get a serious sense of sexual satisfaction from being able to give my partner satisfaction.

I can't speak assuredly about us, but I believe that I was able to make you come. With my hands, my mouth and when I was inside you. We never really discussed it, but the ways your body moved and the sounds you made had me fairly certain I was getting you to where you wanted to be. And, until recently, that was the last time I was with someone that I clicked with to that extent sexually.
It has me thinking back even farther and realizing that my only truly satisfying sexual relationships were ones where I could give orgasms left and right. And it wasn't something that had to be "worked on" over time. It was like it was with you. Within the first 2-3 times of sleeping together I was able to make the person come any way I wanted to, repeatedly.

It has also made me realize that was a strong reason for the "death" of my sex drive that I felt had been coming over me. I find myself thinking about it more and anticipating it now, looking forward to it. For a long time it has felt like this hollow effort with little reward. I see now that was because no matter how powerfully someone gets me off, it pales in comparison to the rush of making the other person come.

To be clear, this isn't because I'm suddenly having sex again, I've been having sex steadily during the last few years, in some fantastic places, sometimes enhanced by incredible chemicals... but not in a very satisfying way.

The situation I'm in won't last. The balls will eventually get away from me, and that's fine. The last thing I want is anything long-term. The best thing that will result from all of this is the nice feeling returning that I am good at it... I've just been with the wrong partners. :)