So This Is Where I'm At

2:15am in the beautiful house. Royksopp playing a song you've never heard as I type away. Tumbler of Macallen next to the keyboard. Now WinAmp has jumped to my favorite song of all time, another song which you will never know. I won't reveal it here... that would be pointless now... and it makes me sad to know that I'll never share it with you. I remember when I looked forward to sharing all my favorite things in life with you. And then...

Home from a night that I was looking forward to more than I've looked forward to anything in a long time. 6 years as a matter of fact. I knew that the others that came along during those years wouldn't shake you from my branches. This is different. This has... had... has... had... has... had...(I can't fucking tell after tonight) the potential to free me of you.

I'm completely upside down, sideways and inverse ballistic. In my life I've been sad. I've been lost. I've been hurt. I've been angry. I've been insecure. I've been violent. I've been beautiful. I've been suicidal. I've been at peace. Right now I'm none of those things... but I have never been as confused as I am at this moment.

It only seemed fitting to run to the one woman who has remained in my life while others have come and gone. (but only because I pushed them out due to the fact that I'm never going to be 100% over you and simply can't get over the last 2% that's left)

I'm doing this better than I've ever done it. Butterflies instead of spiders (you won't get that reference, only Ang would). The pace has been perfect. I have mitigated the roller coaster during the in-between moments as much as possible. But still, here I am.

I'm totally fucking up. Losing perspective on the 4/5ths... concentrating on the 1/5th that is missing. The 1/5 that is the drug. The 1/5 that can feel like a good ticket to the show. The 1/5th that you filled. And you were exactly like a drug. Being near you was like X.

I so desperately want to be free of want. "I want to not want" I said... to the ex ex... a woman who knew she would never own my heart like you did... but put up with it anyway.

I'm trying very hard (Rico) to live in the here and now. To just enjoy the moment for what it is... to expect and demand absolutlely nothing more than the precious moments it affords me... but I know I'm on the knife edge now. If I take one more step I'm going to enter the dangerous territory. The minefield I ran full speed into when you were in my life, ran into like a stupid, blind, blissful child.

The question is... when I pose the question... the query of whether or not this worth my time... if when I pose that question I am given the answer I do not want to hear... will I have learned my lesson, get up from the table and walk away? (walk away carrying the flowers I brought with me... and so I ask you the question... do you remember what color they were?)

Spun

"It's all fun and games until you meet someone that actually has potential."

I have been around me long enough to know what is happening, where things are leading and what I can expect. That is the reason why I can say, without a doubt, I have started down a path that is going to end in tears.

I am thoroughly spun.

I mentioned this a couple of posts ago... and now things are moving forward.

Like it was with you, there is someone that I've been crushing on for a while. Recently, with the aid of friends, I managed to find an "in" and start a dialog with her. This led to a lunch date, which was canceled and postponed multiple times due to our busy schedules. Today we finally managed to meet up.
She's very attractive (to me anyway, very much the "exotic" look that melts me... you're familiar with the type... heh) and this was a key reason I was sure that we wouldn't "click". The odds of everything lining up are very slim, so I assumed that she would have no brain, no personality or at best have views that are so distant from mine that I would never be able to suffer them.

I will now digress. As I perform my current juggling act, the one thing that makes it very easy and very enjoyable is the knowledge that none of the women I'm involved with (currently 5) has the possibility of being anything significant in my life. It isn't that they are bad people or that I don't like them. In fact I find them to be very enjoyable in various ways, each bringing me a subtly different shade of happiness. The reasons for the inability to be anything substantial is varied... their ages, their future plans, their long-term desires for life, etc. So I'm living in the here and now and will let them come and go from my life as whim or circumstance suits them.
That is why it works. I am not attached, have no desire to form any attachment and am doing a bang up job of compartmentalizing the various aspects of my life so that my romantic endeavors have little-to-no impact on everything else.

And then today happened. And I sat across from this beautiful creature, astounded that anyone could be so beautiful... and I listened to her words, her thoughts, her sarcastic playfulness, her french accent, her life growing up in Paris, her full lips, her current pursuit of a PhD, her brown eyes, the four languages she speaks, her long black hair, her political views, her French/Moroccan features, her experiences in the world where I've never been, the wonderful curves of her voluptuous body, her laughter at my jokes and my laughter at hers...

...and all I could think was "Shit. This is actually the exact type of person I've been looking for. I am so fucked."

So here I am. Not deep in it yet, but knowing that I'm going to go there. Knowing that I'm not going to push it aside but rather pursue it until it breaks me down. It isn't about having to give up the rest of my little games. It's the knowledge that I happily will, that I'm going to do the same thing I always do. I'm not going to step aside now, which would be the best thing for everyone. No, I'm going to follow through. I can never leave anything alone, never let anything go unknown. It's what kept me from getting up from the table at Ferrari's when you said you were leaving. It's what made me want to spend every single minute with you before you left. It's what tortured me for years after you were gone (and still lingers at times, usually when I go to the show): The Not Knowing.

I'm going to embrace the hope and run with it all the way to the tragic end.

One of two things is going to happen: It will either end quickly, or it will go for a short while and then implode, taking me with it. If it ends quickly it will be another disappointment and a sting that I'll need a few weeks to forget. If it goes for a while... well then, the crash is proportional to how long it lasts, as my hope climbs with each shared moment.

Unlike every other time in my life, this isn't about someone coming to bring in the light, to "save" me. I'm blissfully happy most of the time now, I don't want, nor do I need to be saved. But what this is is a chance to spend time with someone that is very enjoyable, to spend minutes of my life in ways that seem worthwhile and not wasteful. It's always difficult to know that there are people out there with whom I can spend moments that way... and not get to. Finding them is hard, but then being deprived of the enjoyment they can bring... well, that borders on criminal. :)

(Remember, I said in my very first post that I would over-dramatize things here... well, this is definitely one of those occasions)

This is all a long, pessimistic, melodramatic way of saying that I've stumbled across someone that I simply can't ignore. And that has always been my undoing. :(

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I've posted this one before, but it is very apropos today
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?

Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

---

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The Power of Making Someone Come

Currently I'm a clown. A clown that is juggling 5 things... all the while trying to get even more balls in the air.
2 of these things are interestingly opposed. Text messages to one are long, detailed, playful, flirtatious and sweet. But our time face to face is awkward and slightly strained. Time face to face with the other is very affectionate, playful, enjoyable and warm. But texts are short, curt and somewhat stoic. It shows either the stark delineation between how different people have different comfort levels with anonymity vs. real contact... or that the quality of a person's technology makes a big difference in how easy it is for them to convey emotion. Heh.

I'm sleeping with one of them and I realize there is a specific quality to it that intensifies everything for me. I make her come.

Before I go down that road... I'll rewind a bit. My last two relationships involved no orgasms for my partners during sex (of any kind). One of them could only do it herself (but not in the presence of another person) and the other couldn't at all (Not just with me, with anyone). I hadn't realized until now just how important that really is for me to be happy sexually.
I've had people who did an incredible job of rocking my shit in the sack. They would go to great lengths to make me happy... but I can now look back and see that if I couldn't make them come then all that effort resulted in a fairly lackluster feeling for me. I definitely get a serious sense of sexual satisfaction from being able to give my partner satisfaction.

I can't speak assuredly about us, but I believe that I was able to make you come. With my hands, my mouth and when I was inside you. We never really discussed it, but the ways your body moved and the sounds you made had me fairly certain I was getting you to where you wanted to be. And, until recently, that was the last time I was with someone that I clicked with to that extent sexually.
It has me thinking back even farther and realizing that my only truly satisfying sexual relationships were ones where I could give orgasms left and right. And it wasn't something that had to be "worked on" over time. It was like it was with you. Within the first 2-3 times of sleeping together I was able to make the person come any way I wanted to, repeatedly.

It has also made me realize that was a strong reason for the "death" of my sex drive that I felt had been coming over me. I find myself thinking about it more and anticipating it now, looking forward to it. For a long time it has felt like this hollow effort with little reward. I see now that was because no matter how powerfully someone gets me off, it pales in comparison to the rush of making the other person come.

To be clear, this isn't because I'm suddenly having sex again, I've been having sex steadily during the last few years, in some fantastic places, sometimes enhanced by incredible chemicals... but not in a very satisfying way.

The situation I'm in won't last. The balls will eventually get away from me, and that's fine. The last thing I want is anything long-term. The best thing that will result from all of this is the nice feeling returning that I am good at it... I've just been with the wrong partners. :)

That Thing...

Front (click for full res)


Rear (click for full res)


Inner (click for full res)

Again, I'm doing that thing that I do which is due to that thing you do to me. (heh, that was fun)

It's been a while since I mixed a CD. After our convo last week about music and how trance/house just never quite gets you there, I decided to put a new disc together. It's been a couple of years and there is some great music that has come my way in that time. I picked tracks that really drove to the heart of my feelings right after you left, during the years I spent trying to sort it all out in my head and heart, and now that we have come to the place we currently are.

Once the mix is complete I'll give you a link so that you can drop it on your iPod. I'll also give some explanation then, but for now you can see the cover/liner art and probably get a feel for the mood of it all. It's now the third disc inspired by us and the feelings that I carry from that. So, in the vain of the "basically, it's perfect" conversation with my friend, I continue to use what we are as a sort of muse for my creative endeavors. We will never be what I wanted us to be and the reality of the now is so far from the way I have you packaged in my head, but that's good. It allows me to feed off of it from time to time and in the end, although I don't have what I wanted, I'm left with beautiful artworks that will outlast any romances, infatuations or other variations of my heart's desire.

Life is so completely insane right now. I would go into details, but it will only color me in a way that I'd prefer not to do here (or specifically, in your mind). My social life is over the top, there are a multitude of romantic entanglements, I'm still feeling the fallout from the night of "The Betrayer", I'm having an incredibly good time but fearful that I'm generating horrible karma, etc. etc. etc. Basically I'm eating up everything I can, but I feel separated from it all. As if I'm watching it from the outside, detached. I know the reasons why. Put simply, it's because I am in no way emotionally involved in any of it. It's a fun time, it's an exciting ride, but ultimately other people are playing with real money whereas all my bets are placed with bills from a Monopoly game. To me this is all fun, a period of play and distraction. I know that other people in the game are playing for keeps, for real... and I worry that it could all end very badly. But it's difficult to walk away... not just because the ride is enjoyable, but as a reaction to the fact that I've spent my entire life overly invested emotionally. I think I'm swinging the pendulum, probably too far, to a place where I can just be... without it having an effect on me emotionally. Basically I feel like I'm closer to being how everyone else in the world is. Which sucks. But being myself in these situations only served to make me miserable, so I'll see how this plays out and learn from it. There will be tears, but they won't be mine... at least not initially.

Tonight I had dinner with a couple of old friends and some great new friends. The new friends were talking about how they met, their courtship, etc. They described 9 hour dates, conversations that would never end and the intense longing and power of knowing that they were with the person they wanted to be with forever. It was as if they were trying to convey something to me, to the wild, single party boy friend of theirs... and all I could think was "No explanation required".

No show this weekend. I had too much going on and couldn't fit it in. Shows what a crazy life I'm living at the moment when even a 3-day weekend doesn't give me enough time to find "the only bliss that I know won't end".