The Death of Sex

03.17.2008
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...

I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.

One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.

So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?

Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)

One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).

Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.

Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)

If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)

So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)

---

Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away

With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain

I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.

---

---