How Hard It Must Be

My life these days is odd. It seems a bit unreal, very... "in between". This is a transitional phase. An interesting side effect is the way the many facets of the last few years have intertwined.

I work with my two recent ex-girlfriends, although I have more contact with the ex ex than the most recent one.

And then there is this place. This little sanctuary I created where I can go to resurrect the emotional parts of me, the parts that seem to have completely evaporated when you did. Resurrect them and share them with you.

There was an odd moment a few weeks ago. I was transitioning from my old job to a new one within the same company. My new job is a dream. So finally I get to do what I love to and maintain the nice paycheck. Finally my professional life is in sync.

During this transition came the obligatory "going away" where my old team said farewell as I moved to a new group. The ex ex was there... not more than 3 feet from the most recent ex at one point. I couldn't help but think how difficult that must have been for ex ex.

She still contacts me at any opportunity, using any excuse to keep me within reach... and now that I'm single again I can see that increasing. It's fine. We were great friends and there are many facets to our relationship that I miss. I can very mush understand the concept of not wanting to completely let go. ;)

But in a moment of that after-hours drunken stupor I realized how difficult the moment must have been for her. I thought about what it would have been like for me if you had been only five feet away. Current partner aside, just being that close to you, especially with the blur of alcohol in my veins, it would have been impossible for me to maintain any distance from you.

I don't want to be an evil person, and I try my best to not be. I've tried to do good things since karma (as i see it) chose to teach me a lesson 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling as though I'm still creating a bit of pain in the universe due to moments like that which have me at the epicenter.

In any case, I can at least empathize with how powerful that moment must have been (for her). I find it hard to convince myself that if the situation had been translated, with you smiling and laughing only 5 feet away from me, I would have been powerless to not go to you, squat at your feet as I did on the SambaMilk night, on the terrace under the stars, and look into your almond eyes. I don't know what I'd say. Perhaps nothing. Just to look again might be enough. (but it wouldn't, I know better... I'd want a repeat of the spiraling ecstasy moments that came an hour later). I know what I would have done because it's what I do when you come to me in dreams. Those nights are rare, but when they come, I am always near you as much as I can be.

And this, again, is the unbroken chain.

Funny, I once said I thought getting over the last 5% would take a while. But now I believe that the last 5% will never be gone at all.

:)

(I get messages of this ilk from her, which is how I understand)