It appears that another chapter in my life is closing. My current relationship is ending. It's for the best and has been as painless as possible for everyone so far, but the situation is never an easy one, no matter which side you're on.
So now I'll go into a period of reflection, trying to determine what I've learned, what was right, what was wrong and how it will affect me as I move forward.
For the first time... maybe ever... I have no desire to be involved in anything with anyone right now. Probably not for some time, if at all. Part of me is getting to a point where I'm realizing that I'm not very good in a romantic relationship. Not for me or the other person. I'm good for about 2 weeks, during the real high of "I can't believe this is happening!". Then this fear wraps around everything. Once I have what I want (or at least it appears I'm going to have it) then I become terrified of losing it, of the vulnerable position I've put myself in by needing something/someone. That's the point where I become all the things that no one wants: jealous, possessive, insecure. Then the relationship becomes nothing but misery for me. I remember feeling that start with you. After you had left and you went away for a camping trip for a few days. It was the first time we hadn't talked for hours a day, every day, since we started talking at all. You came back and said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, but during those short few days without you I remember feeling it crawling up in me and thinking "Here's where the bad part begins. She's precious to me now and I have her, so going forward I'm going to be terrified of losing her."
If the person is strong enough to weather my insecure BS period (usually about 3-4 months, depending on how comfortable the other person makes me) then I seem to slowly degrade into apathy until the relationship disintegrates. This can take years. Long, painful years.
My relationships are also getting shorter. Early on they took about 4 years to run their course. The last couple have only lasted a year or two. Maybe I'm at least learning to end things before those long, painful years drag on. But in any case, I'm realizing that I'm just not a very good romantic partner, not beyond the brief courtship period anyway. So I think I'll spare myself (and everyone else) the emotional turmoil... for a while anyway. And when/if I do decide to jump back in I think I'll preface it by telling the other person to only plan on a couple of weeks of fun, if they need more than that then they should just move along. Heh.
I've thought quite a bit about something a friend said to me once. I was whining about being single and he pointed out that some of the happiest times of my life (true happiness, not the pleasurable infatuations that are more akin to a drug high) have been when I was single. I thought about that and it's completely accurate. You came along at the end of the best period of my life. I remember feeling like something was missing in my life but I mostly remember this great feeling that I was exactly where I wanted to be, lived how I wanted to live and my life was wrapped around me exactly as I wanted it to be. I can feel that starting again. The thing that always seems to ruin those periods is me getting involved with something. Heh.
Interesting that it is happening almost in conjunction with a job change which also makes me very happy. It's as if everything renews at once. It will make it easy to look back and remember exactly when one era ended and another began, easy to compare my happiness before and after.
There's something you should see, if you haven't. It's older, but it's a favorite of mine and I stumbled across it again this weekend. It's called Flirting. Very "me" in an overly-romantic reminiscence sort of way. But near the end there is this sort of "time is short" theme that felt very familiar. Although they try to play off of Kidman's later popularity in the marketing, she has little to do with the story. It's actually about an exotic beauty and a scrawny white boy. Heh. Familiar. Rent it if you can.
Thrillseekers - Getting Away With It
"You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
Don't be afraid of it.
You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I never thought I did.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
and getting away with it.
I suppose you're gonna run me down now,
run me down and treat me like a criminal."
1 comment:
I assume this is "The Secret" you were talking about?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0846789/
Interesting, I'm actually curious what you think I would get from it.
I guess I also want to be clear. I'm not lost or adrift or anything. I think I'm just trying to come to grips with the reality of my experiences and separate who I really am from who I always pictured myself to be (or wanted to be). I don't have a problem with who I am but I think I need to do better at factoring in the reality of who I am when I make decisions, at least in a romantic sense. The important thing not just being that I might make someone else unhappy, but that I pursue things which I should know by now aren't going to make *myself* happy. Doesn't make sense to put effort into things that are only going to make me miserable. I don't think I've done a good job of being clear with myself on that point in the past. heh.
It's funny though, because normally men are supposed to be flippant and committment-phobic when they are young, then settle down in their later years. I've done it in reverse, always being very serious and over-eagerly committed when I was young, now getting to a point where I'd rather just keep things fun and not get serious.
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