My life is interesting these days. I have the job that I always wanted, I'm more successful than I've ever been, I'm financially more stable than ever and (as always) I have plenty of creative outlets in my free time which leave me feeling very fulfilled. But still there is something missing. There always is.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.
I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.
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4 comments:
You always seem to cosmically 'call me out' whenever I'm in a state of insecurity...wtf is that about?
Well, if there's one thing we know about "us" it's that we have some sort of connection. I know myself well enough to realize that I over inflate everything, but how well we were in sync back then really was amazing. I still think about 7 hour phone conversations and smile in disbelief. I don't think that connection will ever go away completely. I believe it's a part of each of us, makes us who we are, and since we have it in common it makes sense that we would "reconnect" from time to time. Maybe when the planets line up just right. Hehe... maybe there was something to that after all. ;)
LOL "The Night At The Mortgage Company" Someone (meaning YOU) should write a short story of that night.
LOL That night comes to mind a lot lately. Reason unknown, but it makes me laugh and giggle everytime it does. Isn't that funny...?
What is it that keeps us hanging on? What is it exactly that we are hanging on to???? It's been so long since we were there...I often wonder if it's hindering our futures; so can't we just...I don't know, do something about it? Just decide to go one way or the other? This has never been my style. When something is over, that's it. It's done. Why not with this too?
Whenever we speak, we still speak of the past. We make no effort to know who each other are anymore. Why? Is it because we're afraid to confess of the mistakes we've made over the last few years? I can answer yes to that, but I'm not ashamed. I have stumbled, fallen and landed straight on my face. My life has been a MESS since I left. Have I grown? Absolutely. Do I have regrets? No. I work extremely hard at living my life to the best of my ability. I am the best mother I can be, no doubt I give my child my all. He deserves no less, and I am adament about my role in his life.
However, I'm tired and it would seem that I'm on permanent auto pilot in every other aspect of my life.
You on the other hand fill me in on your life to an extent. I don't know the specifics of your life. I'm not sure why I don't ask. I think I'm trying to respect your privacy, assuming that if you wanted me to know certain things, then you would tell me.
Anyway as always, I am out of time and have to run off. Story of my life it would seem...
I think that's mostly my fault... if it's a fault. I tend to be very reminiscent and often have to make a concerted effort to live in the here and now and realize how good things are and how happy I am.
It's also partly because I think I use memories of us as a sort of "escape". When I'm not as happy or feel like I need a little "feel good" I think back to us, so that tends to keep my mindframe in the past where you are concerned.
As for sharing about my life today. I guess that's a hard one to convey. I don't think I feel I've made mistakes that I avoid discussing, so that isn't it from my end. I made mistakes during us and right after, but since I came here I feel I've done a good job of learning from those lessons. I've made decisions since then that could have been better, but my life is in very good shape so I don't think any misteps were as severe as the ones I made before I came here. For me it's more of a... "silo" kinda thing. I tend not to talk about past relationships with my current partners and so I guess I tend not to talk about current partners with my ex's. It's a respect thing and also... and this is the part that's hard to explain... it's also like... Hmmm. There will always be an "us" to me. No matter where I am or who I am with I will always have a relationship in my mind/heart with you. No matter if we haven't talked in years and no matter if we grow to have nothing in common, it doesn't negate the fact that I shared something with you, something that I will never share with anyone else (not because I refuse to or anything like that, just because each relationship has it's own "space", so the space you have in my heart is and will always be yours). So it's like certain parts of my life today can't run in conjunction with the things in my life back then, but that space is still yours, so I avoid discussing things that might infringe on that space.
Sometimes I do think about us today or even in the future. There was a time when I accepted that I will never see your face again, but now it's funny. I'm actually almost positive I will see again. So sometimes I wonder what it will be like, me stopping to see you for dinner some night because I'm nearby on business or vacation. I'm pretty sure I know exactly how it would go. Lots of smiling and no lack of conversation for hours, just like it always was. But, until that happens, there's little in my life that seems interesting enough to discuss and waste the few stolen moments I get to share with you now.
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