I realized this weekend that it's been 5 years since we were "us". It's always odd when you can look back and then put a number on the time that has passed and it's bigger than you would have expected. I remember that feeling the first time I realized that I could remember things that happened 20 years ago, or friends that I've known for 20 years. It doesn't feel that way at all. My mom said that even though she is in her late 50's she still feels that way, apparently it never goes away. You never feel as old as you are, you always feel like you're in your early 20's... on the inside anyway.
This time of year always has me thinking back more than usual. It was actually right around this week that things were starting to happen for us back then.
I came across this today as I was cruising through the morning news articles:
Summer Sights in the Sky
Not as good as when we saw all 5 (plus the moon) but it's the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again. You say you hope we will remain friends forever and I think we will. I know I'll always come back to memories of that summer because no matter how happy or sad I am, it's hard not to feel good when remembering the soft warmth of the world around me in those days. So I'm sure I'll think back to that period from time to time as long as I live.
A friend told me this week that his father is having a rough time fighting cancer. I thought about what I would do if I found out my time was limited. What things would I want to get done while I still could? I would definitely want to see you again, so I would make that happen.
It wouldn't make sense in the midst of normal daily life but spending another evening smiling at you from across a restaurant table would be on the short list of things to do if time were a factor. If how I spent every minute were vitally important then using up a few hours that way would be a good investment.
The odd thing is, I know how I see you now, the changes I can see in you (at least from the brief glimpses I get of who you are now). What I really wonder is what you would see differently in me. I wonder if I'm more positive, more cynical, less romantic, less idealistic, happier, more self-assured... or the opposite of all those... or exactly the same?
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me?"
Monday, May 21, 2007
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Initiation
"everyone needs a place"
I decided to create this spot to be able to say the things I want to say from time to time. The logistics of communication isn't always easy, so perhaps this will make it possible for me to say what I want and for you to read it when you have the time. Plus you can always comment back.
* I will say up front that I know I'll over-romanticize things here, that I'll overlook the reality which is that we ended up exactly where we should have, exactly where we would have no matter what either of us had done differently back then. But I also know that although we've become very different I remember vividly the short period where we were very much alike, which can't be denied. Hours of laughter, conversation, practically finishing each other's thoughts and having to force the nights to end. When I think of us I sometimes wonder who each of us would have become if we hadn't been apart all this time. But that's the part which makes me sad, so I don't linger there.
It's funny, because I'll go through periods where we never really come to mind much. Not that it's forgotten or doesn't matter anymore, but rather I seem to have very little time to just sit and let my thoughts wander, so something specific usually has to bring you to mind.
Then there will be other periods where the memory of us seems to be everywhere. Songs, images, places, etc. pile up and I sometimes spend days missing you.
Odd things bring it to life. This will sound stupid, but the taste of Vanilla Coke is a powerful reminder. Coke had just released their official version when we met. I remember us even talking about it, comparing our thoughts after trying it (separately) for the first time. I ended up drinking it frequently during that period. Then not so much. And now it's off the market.
Anytime I get one from Sonic (not an official Coke version, but still very similar) it makes things very reminiscent of those early summer days.
So, I got your message. Actually getting back to you is impossible as always, so I'll leave this for you here... with a question:
What was on your mind to make you send me those two words? You've read the way I remember that night and the details I hold on to. Your eyes, your lips, my tears and the first time I uttered the words.
What were you thinking about that made you smile and then take a moment to send the thought to me, with kisses and hugs attached?
VNV Nation - Beloved
"my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass?
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember"
I decided to create this spot to be able to say the things I want to say from time to time. The logistics of communication isn't always easy, so perhaps this will make it possible for me to say what I want and for you to read it when you have the time. Plus you can always comment back.
* I will say up front that I know I'll over-romanticize things here, that I'll overlook the reality which is that we ended up exactly where we should have, exactly where we would have no matter what either of us had done differently back then. But I also know that although we've become very different I remember vividly the short period where we were very much alike, which can't be denied. Hours of laughter, conversation, practically finishing each other's thoughts and having to force the nights to end. When I think of us I sometimes wonder who each of us would have become if we hadn't been apart all this time. But that's the part which makes me sad, so I don't linger there.
It's funny, because I'll go through periods where we never really come to mind much. Not that it's forgotten or doesn't matter anymore, but rather I seem to have very little time to just sit and let my thoughts wander, so something specific usually has to bring you to mind.
Then there will be other periods where the memory of us seems to be everywhere. Songs, images, places, etc. pile up and I sometimes spend days missing you.
Odd things bring it to life. This will sound stupid, but the taste of Vanilla Coke is a powerful reminder. Coke had just released their official version when we met. I remember us even talking about it, comparing our thoughts after trying it (separately) for the first time. I ended up drinking it frequently during that period. Then not so much. And now it's off the market.
Anytime I get one from Sonic (not an official Coke version, but still very similar) it makes things very reminiscent of those early summer days.
So, I got your message. Actually getting back to you is impossible as always, so I'll leave this for you here... with a question:
What was on your mind to make you send me those two words? You've read the way I remember that night and the details I hold on to. Your eyes, your lips, my tears and the first time I uttered the words.
What were you thinking about that made you smile and then take a moment to send the thought to me, with kisses and hugs attached?
VNV Nation - Beloved
"my beloved do you know
when the warm wind comes again
another year will start to pass?
and please don't ask me why I'm here
something deeper brought me
than a need to remember"
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