That didn't take long.
My instincts are good.
Never get out of the boat.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Something Bad Is About To Happen
I'll know more in the next 2 days, but it will only verify what I already feel deep down. Some things I just know and this is one of them.
"Great news" means "bad news" for me. And, of course, only after there had been this wonderful ray of hope.
There is a lesson to be learned here and I refuse to finish this without first recognizing and understanding it.
"Great news" means "bad news" for me. And, of course, only after there had been this wonderful ray of hope.
There is a lesson to be learned here and I refuse to finish this without first recognizing and understanding it.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Done
And so it is...
It is what it is.
Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.
It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).
There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?
And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.
I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.
Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.
It is what it is.
Tonight may have been the third worst night of my life. Although I'm sure I'm overlooking the 4 nights when I tried to commit suicide... or the night my first girlfriend told me she had fucked someone else. I'm positive that I'm being myopic and am biased by the moment. In any case, no matter how bad tonight it or isn't, it's so motherfucking frustrating that I can't seem to top any of the best ones.
It isn't as bad as it was in 2002. But I spent 6 years waiting... with nothing in the end to show for it but another bruised heart (not broken because I bailed out in time this time).
There's nothing else to say here. It changes nothing. I truly am all cried out... and I'm so fucking pissed at myself for STILL not learning that I cannot have what I want, so why do I still keep stupidly reaching for it?
And there's another aspect to it... something that ties back to you. It leaves me feeling, as I did when you walked away, unimportant... without worth. I was at a peak when I met you. The life I had was a very nice one and the job I did of romancing you was also good. Yet that wasn't enough to convince you that I was someone worth being with. It left me feeling as though I didn't matter, as though I didn't have what it takes to make someone care. (well, at least not the someone(s) that I want to care)
I look at myself now and I'm even better. I'm more successful, have an even better life, am happier with myself and therefore am more fun, more attractive and have even more to offer than I did when I was offering it to you. I did an even better job of romancing this person because all the other parts of my life and my satisfaction with myself are better than ever. Yet that wasn't enough to even spark the slightest bit of romantic interest. Not enough to convince the person that I'm someone who shouldn't be let to slip away. Again, it leaves me feeling as if I don't matter.
I'll go back to concentrating on the 4/5ths... but mostly I'm fucking pissed and so fucking ready to be off this fucking planet. I didn't ask to be dragged into this shit in the first place. Fucking women... and fucking me for being fucking weak to them. I so want to not want.
Tomorrow I roll all fucking day long. I don't care how many tickets it takes.
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