"So basically... it's perfect."
Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".
Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do
I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead
Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.
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2 comments:
The Hunger
I am curious when you say "knowing exactly why" you're so hungry. What exactly is going on that you think is driving this in you?
I'm not sure I can completely empathize with what you're feeling.
Maybe because I went through so much of what you're now feeling during the years in between.
I'd love to see you again... but...
For a while I was sure I never would, then I was sure that I definitely would (after all, you're still very close... compared to the places I've been in the world since I last saw your face). These days I feel like I'm back to thinking I'll never see you again.
There was a time early on when it would have been wrong. Complicated. Painful.
Then there came the time when you started to say all the things I wanted you to and it would have been nice. You started to yearn for what I knew long ago that we were losing.
That's when I started to think I would see you again, that I would make a point of making it happen. It will never be the same as it was, I know, but I would love to find out how the mix of who we were and who we are now would come together.
Only, now things are more complicated than ever (for you) so it seems like seeing you would feel wrong... not just "wrong" in a sort of moral sense... but inhibited... or it would bring more bad feelings than good because it wouldn't be on the terms that we would want it to be. And it would be temporary.
I guess over the years I came to accept that I'll never get more of you... at least not the way I wanted to right after you left. So... it isn't that the hunger has died... it's more that when my mind starts to think about you that way, it only takes a second for me to stop, the intensity to fade, and for me to think "It will never be like that again".
A few months ago I did let myself frequently drift off into nice little daydreams of sneaking away with you for a few days, having you all to myself in paradise. But the reality is that your life isn't as carefree as mine. You can't just drop everything and fly off to the Caribbean in the blink of an eye. So those little daydreams died off.
I would love for you to feel the way you do now forever. But it will fade for you just like it did for me. Or maybe... because my life is still so open it's different. Maybe because I'm potentially accessible for you it drives the fantasy. I'm beholden to no one and if by some miracle you were to show up at my door (of my new, awesome house, btw :) ) then there would be nothing preventing me from wrapping around you instantly.
But I wouldn't be able to keep you. :(
So, don't worry, I have my own burden to bear.
*sigh* The reason for my hunger is...a certain dissatisfaction in my current sex life. As you know, I'm an emotional person. When I'm in love with someone, sex is so much more than a physical experience. It's a spirtual connection. I need to feel that connection in order to feel fullfilled and truely satisfied. Not every time, don't misunderstand me, but more so than not. And I'm having a hard time getting that now.
My sex drive has always been high, but more so now that I have all these extra hormones surging through me. And it sucks! For this reason: I want it all the time. I can't get enough! Not only because I'm not getting my emotion needs met, but physically I'm just insatiable. This does not mesh well with the insecurities that these hormones are causing either; I wonder if he's doing it just for me, if he's still attracted to me (even though he says he is, I wonder just cause I'm a stupid girl and that's what stupid girls do; or cause I don't believe he would ever tell me that he wasn't.) My tummy is big and my body looks so different than before I was preganant; I personally hate it. I do not find pregnant women's bodies attractive in the least. So, basically, I'm just dealing with a bunch of inner demons.
LOL I'm sure I've lost you by now. Let me start from the beginning and then you should be able to follow easier. Here it is:
I'd say for the last two months (roughly) our sex has been the same excact routine, lasting between nine and fifteen minutes from start to finish. Yes, including "foreplay". (There is none! hence the quotation marks)
So we get into bed and watch the news. At some point we'll kiss and he'll lay me down and kiss and tongue my left nipple for about 20 seconds and then he'll slip a finger inside me and switch to kissing and licking my right nipple while he fingers me. This is the end of our foreplay. Did you do the math? It lasts for about three minutes total before he's inside me. Now keep in mind that I have between six and twelve minutes to get off, so I'm concentrating extrememly hard on my goal. It's more like a challenge. Like a game to see if I can actually do it, than lovemaking. Once in a while this scenario wouldn't be bad at all. Even a quicker quicky than this would be fine too! But this happens about every other night excatly as I've stated above.
So I started thinking:
1. Maybe he's just trying to get it over with.
a. cause he's not enjoying it
b. it's become a chore (somewhat similar to your posting about becoming board etc.)
c. he doesn't like how I look now.
2. He just doesn't care. He doesn't see sex the same way I do, and he just wants to get off and well, get off. (Selfish prick!)
We've talked about this several times. I tell him that I need more. More kissing, more touching whatever. I just need more. And it hasn't changed and it's so frustrating that all I can think about is you and I together and the heat and the passion and the energy of us together and I can't get anywhere near that now.
Don't get me wrong, him and I have had great sex. We have an energy also that is good, but it's never
been like ours.
I'm at the point now where I just want something different and out ofour norm so bad that it's turning me into a sex fiend. I think of all these ideas and present them to him and I think it scares him...We've always known that I am far more sexually adventurous than he is. I'm the experimenter and he sticks to what he knows works. Boring!!!!
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