"So basically... it's perfect."
Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".
Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do
I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead
Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
The Death of Sex
03.17.2008
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...
I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.
One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.
So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?
Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)
One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).
Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.
Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)
If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)
So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)
Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away
With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain
I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...
I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.
One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.
So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?
Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)
One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).
Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.
Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)
If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)
So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)
Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away
With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain
I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.
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