"Am I a bad woman?"
- Maria Nikolaevna (Turgenev)
Today is a perfect and interesting day. Packing up the place and getting ready for the house. Perfect temperature outside with overcast skies keeping it cozy but not hot. A nice breeze is pouring in through all the open windows and music fills the place. And then a few words shared with you puts a nice layer of icing over the top of it all. I think it's funny how even after all this time, sharing a tiny moment with you like today's back and forth gives me this certain feeling of happiness that nothing else does. Unlocking that hidden little part that will always be yours, I guess. :)
Sometimes you say things that reflect many of my thoughts during the days/weeks/months between our little conversations. As I'm prone to saying lately "My life is as good as it was when you were in it... almost" :)
Pretty much exactly what you say... that you're happy... mostly. I completely understand that and feel the same.
From time to time I've wondered "what if" and tried to picture where we would be right now. Almost 6 years later... so... we'd be married, probably for about 4 years by now. And the places I have gone in between... the cruises, swims in both oceans, nights under the stars on beaches, endless trips to the show and the afterglow... all would have been with you.
And the plan for a child would happen in the next year. I'm even more sure that's not what I want in my life now, but I do wonder if that would have changed were we together. My love for you made me so happy that I would have done anything to see you happy in return... so it's hard not to wonder...
But, I also think about where I'm at right now and how you leaving was directly/indirectly responsible for that. If you had stayed I wouldn't have come to Austin, wouldn't have ended up in my dream job and wouldn't have met some of my current friends that will probably be around forever. And even if you left but we had stayed together long distance then I probably would have ended up in Boulder... and again, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.
True, I could have ended up in some other wonderful job, some other great house with different friends... but I guess it's a bit harder to play the "what if" game when your real life is very good. :)
As for my image of you... I really don't think you have to worry about that. I think I actually have a really good idea of who you are. I think I knew it even back then... you're different now, but I could see how special you were and would be. Although you made decisions that I wished you hadn't, I think I could see in you the person that you are now and I knew that was the person I was looking for... you just didn't know it yourself yet.
I think that was the real tragedy for me. Being older, having been through a bit more of life, I was maybe a bit more aware of what the situation was, what it would become and maybe that if we let it slip away then we might forever ask "What if...?"
It was very frustrating being alone in that knowledge. It made it very difficult to accept the situation and I apologize for that.
So my image of you is that you have become (or are becoming) the person that I so badly wanted you to be back then... not that I didn't love you just as you were... I just wanted you to have the same... wisdom? experience?... as me and know that in a few years there will be a small void that might last forever if you left.
You aren't a bad person, you're just a person like everyone else and we all have... I wouldn't say regrets, that's too strong... but we all wonder if the decisions we made were always the right ones. Sometimes it's easy to know, sometimes not. I think ultimately I'm a better person for having known you, having lost you and having to pick myself up afterward. I still think I have a long way to go to be a good person, but I do worry that I would be nowhere near the man I am now if you and I had stayed together. I probably wouldn't have been able to give you the happiness you deserved. That isn't meant to say that you were bad for me... rather *I* was bad for me and I think I needed a few years of having everything stripped from me to come to grips with who I really was and how far that person was from the one I wanted to be.
The one thing that I do feel really good about is that I can go through the rest of my life knowing that I at least tried. I asked you simply "Stay"... just for a little while so that we would know. I wasn't manipulative and I didn't hold it against you when you said you couldn't. So now when I hear stories of people letting love slip away I can at least know that I didn't stand by and let it go quietly without saying boldly what I felt and what I wanted. :)
When I'm in Dallas I often have to take the Knox-Henderson exit from 75 and every time I do I replay the conversation we had as we took that ramp on the way to Samba/Milk... about long distance and how you asked if I could wait 6 months to see you again... "I could do 6 months standing on my head... as long as I knew you were out there and that I would see you again". That was a great moment. :)
So be happy and know that I'm always here and that you're not alone in the way you feel. :)
And now, since it just came up in the playlist, says exactly how I felt back then and was something I played during that night at The Orchid Bar when I so wished you had been there to share it:
Olive - You're Not Alone
In a way, it's all a matter of time
I will not worry for you, You'll be just fine
Take my thoughts with you, and when you look behind
You will surely see a face that you recognize
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
It is the distance, that makes life a little hard
Two minds that once were close, Now so many miles apart
I will not falter though, I'll hold on till you're home
Safely back where you belong, And see how our love has grown
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me
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Another song: Counting Crows "She don't want nobody near"
She don't want nobody near
But you can't get away from that
They appear and disappear
And they all get a string attached
Pretty soon they got you hanging on a line
Pretty soon they're singing one by one the same old rhyme
They say, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight."
She don't want nobody home
Cause it's a little too crowded then
But she don't wanna be alone
So they just keep pouring in
Pretty soon they got her headed for the door
She comes home to find that they're not hanging 'round no more
She says "I'm alright, you just can't get home tonight."
Don't you wonder what she looks like in the light?
She says "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight."
Pretty whitewashed lies
Endless alibis
And the reasons that need cleaning every night
Half a world away
You can't wash away the stain of the deceiving
And the things that you cannot believe, and well...
She don't want no one around
Cause she don't want anybody to see
What she looks like when she's down
Cause that's a really sad place to be
Pretty soon she gets them crawling up the walls
Then she wonders why they beg her please to never call
She says, "I'm ok. It's alright. Hey, look who's on TV tonight."
She says, "I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight."
Don't you wonder why it's dark outside at night?
She says, I'm alright, I just can't get home tonight."
Interesting lyrics to post. Really makes me wonder what you're going through right now. I thought I understood, but now I'm not so sure... or maybe I understand even better than I thought. :)
In any case, your messages today also left me puzzled. I'm sad about my friends breaking up and that it is one more case of things not working out, but it doesn't affect me on a level that keeps me from living my life to the fullest, taking advantage of everything I've got going for me right now and enjoying what a great period I'm in. It just always makes me sad when I realize that there are very few examples of a working long-term relationship that I can see. But since I'm not actively pursuing a relationship (and not from fear, but rather from the realization that I'm *much* happier without one) it doesn't impact my overall outlook or anything.
That said, if the right person where to come along, I'd happily jump back in. Where I'm at right now though is just being very "in the moment". Not lamenting because things aren't exactly how I would have them if I had my way, instead realizing that things are *really* great and making sure I enjoy that before this period is over and I can only look back on it.
So, I'm just not putting energy into pursuing anyone in hopes that they will... I don't know... somehow "improve" my life. If I meet someone I'm interested in, I'll spend time with them, but spending every minute searching for what's "missing" will just mean that I don't focus on enjoying all the things which *are* here.
So, if what you were trying to say was not to let a fear of things going badly keep me from experiencing all that i can... don't worry for a minute. Everyone I know right now can tell you that this is the happiest they've ever seen me.
Now, granted, if another you were to come along right now, well, I can't imagine the size of the permanent smile on my face... but the lack of that doesn't keep me from smiling huge every day as it is. :)
Oh, and trips to the show would be *much* better. :)
The messages were just random thoughts; about where we are, and where we have been. I've told you that sometimes I get sad when thoughts of the past come to mind. I guess a more accurate explanation is when I think back on all the "mistakes" I've made; and all the self-doubt surfaces. I try to take full control of myself, and my life. Especially now that I have a child, and of course another on the way and I hate the feeling of being a feather in the wind, just floating around whereever life takes me. I hate that there are never any guarantees and everything is such a risk. Don't get me wrong, I love taking risks and facing certain challenges, but not with things that really matter, you know? So anyway, when I get into this unkind place in my psyche I seclude myself until I've sorted through it and 'reset' my attitude.
So now that you've read that, I hope you see that it was not at all about how I don't think you're living your life to the fullest now or anything to that effect. I really was just rambling to you; a safe place :~)
Understood. It all makes much more sense now. And I'm glad you think of this as a safe place, it is. Funny when I think of it as a private place, yet completely out in public. I sometimes wonder how many others read the words here and maybe try to piece together the back story.
In any case, I think it's interesting when you describe yourself during these periods, because you're right, I can't picture you being this way since I never have known you to be. Another facet of you that I simply didn't get a chance to see. And I know that you beat yourself up about being a "bad person" at times or worrying about how it would cloud my image of you if I knew the complete, "real" you... but one thing I will say is that at least you're aware of yourself and take steps to acknowledge and adjust your behavior when you recognize that you're getting into one of these periods. I've known many people who are completely oblivious to it in themselves. The fact that you recognize it and then attempt to "reset" as you put it is a really good thing.
I think I do something similar when I feel myself getting to a certain place. I think to myself "I'm no good to anyone like this". It's usually when I decide to just stay home and be by myself for a few days because I can feel myself getting antisocial. I've learned from experience that I can be short and nasty with people when I'm in that place so it's better to just keep to myself than potentially do something I'll regret later. I guess that's my sort of "reset". A big difference is that I don't have a spouse or anyone who depends on me, so I can appreciate where that would make things much more complicated for you when the need to take a time out comes along.
'Worry looks around, sorry looks back, Faith looks up.'
Damn!
Not sure what the "Damn!" means. Heh.
I got your email. Sorry, I love ya, but I hate chain/reply emails. Plus, you gotta know by now that I have no faith. Just wanting and hoping for things isn't going to make them happen. And for all the good in the world there is just as much evil, so I can't fathom that someone is controlling it all. Things just happen. Some good, some bad. Better to be aware and try to steer your life to avoid the bad rather than have blind faith that things will be taken care of. :)
To quote one of the best songs from Zepplin: "Cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good"
But the thing I like best is how I never know what to expect from you. When you'll pop up out of nowhere and exactly what you'll be wrestling with. :)
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