Last Friday I went to a blowout party at a coworker's house. I had hoped to turn it into an excuse to act upon a little infatuation I had growing, but it didn't work out. For the best. I was getting distracted and losing sight of the fact that I'm happy and complicating my life will only ruin that. But it concerns me that I've obviously not completely learned that lesson and still have this addiction to the attention of beautiful women. The thing I can't figure out is what triggers it. I've seen gorgeous women every day for months. I notice them, smile because I'm happy, then in a very "unlike me" way, go on about my life without discontent.
But then a certain someone catches my eye and it's hard to shake. The need to engage the person, the need to be noticed. I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what it is that causes that click. If it's the person, something special about them, or if it's me, where I'm at, what I'm feeling. Or maybe it's just timing. Maybe I'm more susceptible at times.
Anyway. None of that is important. What is important is that once the party did come around I was back in my old mindset. No hope of meeting, no desire to do so. Just hanging out with friends, drinking, dancing and actually getting to throw out a few songs that got the place going wild. It's always nice when people who have never seen me socially are completely taken aback when my party persona breaks out. And it's especially nice to be able to dance and have people clap and cheer because you're good at it.
Afterwards I was chastised by a friend's wife. Told that my current friendship with my ex is a very inconsiderate thing to be doing. I didn't take it to heart too deeply because I know I'm not rampaging on anyone's emotions, but it's still hard to know 100% for sure that I'm navigating safely and not letting loose harm into the world that might come back to haunt me.
"It's so totally obvious that she's still completely in love with you"
The chain is forever strong.
Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.
And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.
is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.
Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.
You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do
More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
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I hate this. But; here it goes anyway. Am I the ex that your friends wife was referring to? I'll wait for a response before I go any farther.
Oh, no no no. They don't even know about you. They are referring to my ex ex, the woman I dated before my last GF. She works with us now so they know her. They also know that she and I used to go out and, although she and I have discussed it and she says everything is cool, they believe I'm causing her pain by spending time with her and not being "with" her. I think there might be some truth to that, but I talked to her about it before we started hanging out as friends and she assured me that it's fine and I'm not causing any emotional harm. We just hang out, which we always did really well, there were other things that made us not BF/GF compatible.
Completely understood! And; a bit relieved. LOL How narcissistic of me! I apologize.
You know the situation better than I of course. However, I believe if she told you that it wasn't hurting her to spend time with you on a platonic level; then any emotional distress resulting from it is all on her. People need to learn to be honest. Not only with others, but with themselves too.
It's a tough lesson to learn. I wish you luck with the situation.
XOXO
Narcissistic of you? Hmmm... actually if they were talking about you then that would make it narcissistic of me :)
Cause that would mean I had convinced them you were still in love with me without them having ever met you. hehe.
No, they just meant by her behavior when she's around me. But they're all married so they live dull lives and like to stir up drama.
Actually I haven't told anyone that you and I still talk. They wouldn't understand and I like having a secret escape from my normal life... hence the name of this place. :)
Tell me about this. Please
You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.
And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.
is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.
Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.
You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do
More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
Oh, It's a song by Snow Patrol. When I hear it, like some other recent songs:
The Calling - Wherever You Will Go
Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
Matthew Good - Weapon
Imogen Heap - The Walk
Hooverphonic - Renaissance Affair
Lifehouse - Hanging by a Moment
Inhaler - Tranquilized
You come to mind. It doesn't exactly fit, since I *do* know where you are and how happy you are, etc. But it does strike a chord with me, especially remembering the last few years, before we were talking this much, there were times when I would stop and think "she's out there somewhere, living her life and I don't have a clue about any of it." It was just odd to realize after having been so intensely close to you.
But more than anything else I think it's the most descriptive version of what that "after" period is like (for me anyway). Replaying the bad moments over and over again in my head until I thought I would go crazy, little fragments of you still lingering in my life for months afterward (I used to find your hairs on my pillows or couch, etc) and the fact that in the end, my fear of embracing life and the world was a big factor in you needing to move on, to live your life a bit bigger than I was brave enough to.
This is the long way of saying "It's a song that makes me think of you" :)
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