How Hard It Must Be

My life these days is odd. It seems a bit unreal, very... "in between". This is a transitional phase. An interesting side effect is the way the many facets of the last few years have intertwined.

I work with my two recent ex-girlfriends, although I have more contact with the ex ex than the most recent one.

And then there is this place. This little sanctuary I created where I can go to resurrect the emotional parts of me, the parts that seem to have completely evaporated when you did. Resurrect them and share them with you.

There was an odd moment a few weeks ago. I was transitioning from my old job to a new one within the same company. My new job is a dream. So finally I get to do what I love to and maintain the nice paycheck. Finally my professional life is in sync.

During this transition came the obligatory "going away" where my old team said farewell as I moved to a new group. The ex ex was there... not more than 3 feet from the most recent ex at one point. I couldn't help but think how difficult that must have been for ex ex.

She still contacts me at any opportunity, using any excuse to keep me within reach... and now that I'm single again I can see that increasing. It's fine. We were great friends and there are many facets to our relationship that I miss. I can very mush understand the concept of not wanting to completely let go. ;)

But in a moment of that after-hours drunken stupor I realized how difficult the moment must have been for her. I thought about what it would have been like for me if you had been only five feet away. Current partner aside, just being that close to you, especially with the blur of alcohol in my veins, it would have been impossible for me to maintain any distance from you.

I don't want to be an evil person, and I try my best to not be. I've tried to do good things since karma (as i see it) chose to teach me a lesson 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling as though I'm still creating a bit of pain in the universe due to moments like that which have me at the epicenter.

In any case, I can at least empathize with how powerful that moment must have been (for her). I find it hard to convince myself that if the situation had been translated, with you smiling and laughing only 5 feet away from me, I would have been powerless to not go to you, squat at your feet as I did on the SambaMilk night, on the terrace under the stars, and look into your almond eyes. I don't know what I'd say. Perhaps nothing. Just to look again might be enough. (but it wouldn't, I know better... I'd want a repeat of the spiraling ecstasy moments that came an hour later). I know what I would have done because it's what I do when you come to me in dreams. Those nights are rare, but when they come, I am always near you as much as I can be.

And this, again, is the unbroken chain.

Funny, I once said I thought getting over the last 5% would take a while. But now I believe that the last 5% will never be gone at all.

:)

(I get messages of this ilk from her, which is how I understand)

Oh, and...

Tonight I sat peacefully and thought of something you asked recently... why we always go back to those nights even though they were so far away and so long ago.

I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me.

For me the answer is simple: I go back to those nights simply because there has not been another night since then that has been that good.

I've had good nights during the last 5 years.. and to quote a song that has been with me for... probably 25 years... "other loves have come and gone"... but there hasn't been a better night since the 5 really big ones I shared with you.

Purple Vanilla
Samba Milk
(quoting you) "The first time we... well... you know"
The fight night when I carried you to bed
The last night I saw your face

It sucks, I know... and I don't hold on to these things, refusing to move forward. I did that for a while, but then I dove headlong into the world in front of me and only occasionally glanced back. But in all the nights since, all the people who have some and gone, all the moments that have passed, all the places I have been, people I've seen, words I've spoken and sights I've beheld, there has yet to be a moment that I wouldn't trade for one of those 5 nights. I wish that weren't the case and I've tried to make it so, but it's still a fact.

I spent tonight in the company of a beautiful woman (my drug) and she laughed and we flirted and it was pleasant and fun.. but...

Always "but".

"but" means that I lost more than just you that night on the phone/IM. I knew it would happen and I think it's why I took it so hard when you left. I lost hope.

I finally came to a realization that most people come to in their early adolescence (I'm naive and a late bloomer): The fact that no one is going to come along and make everything wonderful. No one is going to come along and save me. People are just people and the world is just the world and life is just life.

So now when I go out into the world, I have fun and I love being smiled at by beautiful women, but I no longer have this hope that maybe they will be this wonderful person that will change everything. I just see them for what they are: people. People just like you and me and everyone else. No one gets on a pedestal anymore. That part of me is gone. And I wish it weren't so, but it is and although I've tried, I can't change it.

I remember I once wrote in my other blog that I wished I could go back to the time before you left, not just because I could relive those moments with you, but mainly because then I would remember what it felt like to be me before I lost you... and everything that went with you.

This is rambling and I apologize, but to wrap it up cleanly: I believe I'll stop going back to those nights when I have better ones to think about. Only I'm not sure that will ever happen... because as the last two women who have shared life with me will attest, I no longer seem capable of being overcome and overwhelmed with love. I just live.

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Kim Carnes - I'll Be Here Where the Heart Is
It's the song that just keeps playing on the radio
And you know I haven't seen you for a while
I lie awake at night and I wonder how you are
and I wish that I could see you again

Is it luck or is it fate that brings us back?
Or is it just a common point of view?
Time has put a spell on you, you never seem to change
and I wish that I could see you again

I'll be here where the heart is
when the dreams that we've been after all come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you

It's the light that keeps shining day after day
when other loves have come and gone
I'll be here with open arms to take you in
and I wish that I could see you again

And in between
And when I need to see you again
All I have to do is close my eyes
Oh the picture's coming in my friend
I'll hold you again
But who knows when

I'll be here where the heart is
When the dreams that we've been after
All come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you

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