The Circle Continues

Days before Christmas I got a call from my mom. Her boss gave her tickets to use his AA Center skybox for the Mav's game on Friday so she asked if I wanted to drive up early and go. I don't care about basketball, but I can never resist a posh event so I went. I realized on the way up that the last time I was in a suite at the AA Center was as a guest of the owner of the company where you and I met. It was on a really bad day when things had started down the path of my demise in the company which came about 2 weeks later.

It was interesting to realize that I was once again treading some of the exact same paths that I did 5 years ago, but the difference in life then and now, the difference in my current upward skyrocket and the downward spiral of those days is easy to appreciate. It was a nice night but hard to shake the memories of how nasty things were about to get the last time I had this view:

(click to enlarge)

I'm not sure if you come here these days. No comments from you in a while. I know that your work life was getting a little sketchy the last time we spoke, I hope nothing bad has happened. I know all too well how worrying about your livelihood can wreak havoc on things. Maybe you're just staying quiet. In any case, I'll continue to post here when I have something to share. If you aren't in a place where you can stop by right now it'll all be here later when you can.

Christmas was okay. I've been to the show 3 times in the last month. Probably going to go one more time before NYE. That's actually been the highpoint of the holidays for me. Every time I've gone it's been with close friends, and even a few who have never gone before. Tons of fun as always.

Supposed to hang out with the same group of friends that made my birthday so fantastic this NYE so it'll be a ton of fun. I've managed to procure 5 bottles of Veuve for the occasion due to some funny circumstances which dropped a bottle in my lap here and there. Funny how it has become iconic and a symbol of comparison for life now vs. 3 or 4 years ago.

I continue to be incredibly happy. This has been a really, really good year.

I hope all is well and you got everything you wanted for Christmas. I'll give you a little thought when I kiss whomever is nearest at the stroke of midnight on NYE.

(Almost) Full Circle

When I texted you Friday night it was only half way through the evening, otherwise I would have had even more to say about the night and how great it was.

A group of friends (15 or so) surprised me with a party downtown. Started with drinks and then a comedy skit show. One member of our group even got recruited to go on stage, which was great because he was actually a friend of a friend and easily the most reserved of the bunch. We thought he was going to be irritated about it but he ended up having a great time.

After the show we decided to hit a club. I had a really nice, new, high-end place in mind but one of the group pointed out that his friend was spinning at another place on the way to my suggestion. We had been there a week earlier and he did a great job, plus the place was perfect for the group we had going, so I was totally on board for that again. The friend called ahead and the DJ sent someone down to comp the entire group. We went upstairs and ended up on an outdoor terrace with the entire "VIP" area surrounding the DJ to ourselves. At this point I decided that champagne was in order. I tried to order a few bottles without everyone knowing so that I could pay for it but as soon as my friends found out they said they were having none of that. So 6 bottles of my favorite champagne rolled out to the group and I suddenly realized... Here I am, surrounded by a huge group of friends, all about to toast me and our friendship on a rooftop terrace under the stars. Life is good, the job is good, home is good, I'm happy and have (almost) everything I had before. In that moment, with my flute raised, looking at all the smiles around me I realized that it truly has come full circle... almost. :)

We had a fantastic time. The DJ spun us a great set. We drank, danced, laughed, hugged and everyone went home with huge smiles on their faces. And for me it meant even more (which I tried to convey in my toast to all of them), but I think only you and Ang could possibly relate to the impact the moment had on me.

It was easily the best night I've had since I moved here and one of the best of my life.

Still not in the top 3 though.

Almost. :)

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Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?

Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

---

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Retrospect

First, I've answered your last question in the comments for the previous post. Sorry, I didn't see it there for a while.

The Thanksgiving week was a unique one this year. My parents are in a new place, which is in the heart of the area my friends and I frequented right before I left. The house is big, quiet and affords me a ton of privacy. I stay down on one end, sort of my own "wing", so it was a great place to decompress.

I decided this time I would actually see all my old friends. We always say we're going to get together, but when the time comes everyone is already booked with plans. It was a little odd though, and added to the intensity of the "coming home" feeling that was pervasive throughout the week. Seeing the friends I was around before I left and going to the places where we used to go was a very powerful reminder. Part of me felt like I could take a different turn at a stoplight and go right back to my old home there.

All the nights were with friends you had met. We went to some of the same restaurants and the Mojitos flowed endlessly. Except for the cold it was very much like those nights 5 years ago. At one point Ang even referenced you, playfully calling you "[your name] Milkbar" as a nod to that night when everyone was together.

Since I was in the area I decided to swing by and take a few pics. They aren't as good as I wanted, but they capture the place pretty well. The memory is probably really faded for you by now, but maybe these will ring a bell.

Click to see full-sized images

All of this had me thinking on the way home, partly due to your question on the previous post and your messages during the week. Usually I'll post lyrics here to wrap up each post, a bit trite, I know, but at least (I think) they tend to be from songs off the beaten path so maybe you'll look them up and get exposed to something you wouldn't have heard otherwise.
I also realized that I tend to use music like photographs, capturing moments very succinctly. Even though these songs may not represent what I feel now, they do a nice job of expressing what I felt at one time, even if they are new or something that I hadn't yet heard when the memories were made. If I hear something today that makes me think "I remember feeling that" then I can relate.

---

So here are a few:
VNV Nation - Beloved
"My beloved do you know that when the warm wind comes again, another year will start to pass?"
Lifehouse - Everything
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anything.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray that this moment lasts forever."
Hooverphonic - Renaissance Affair
"I miss you all the time I must face
I miss your touch and your embrace"
Onyx Whisper - The Second Song
"And she's laying so softly, next to me
whispering things I used to only hear in my dreams.
She makes love so slowly, so subtly
washed in blue as she moves under me."
Oceanlab - Sky Falls Down
"You know when it hits you, you know when you feel it, there's no mistaking when you fall."
Ascension - For a Lifetime
"The world I cling to is the world where you will always walk with me."
Matthew Good - Weapon
"Here by my side, an angel"

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Inconsiderate

Last Friday I went to a blowout party at a coworker's house. I had hoped to turn it into an excuse to act upon a little infatuation I had growing, but it didn't work out. For the best. I was getting distracted and losing sight of the fact that I'm happy and complicating my life will only ruin that. But it concerns me that I've obviously not completely learned that lesson and still have this addiction to the attention of beautiful women. The thing I can't figure out is what triggers it. I've seen gorgeous women every day for months. I notice them, smile because I'm happy, then in a very "unlike me" way, go on about my life without discontent.
But then a certain someone catches my eye and it's hard to shake. The need to engage the person, the need to be noticed. I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what it is that causes that click. If it's the person, something special about them, or if it's me, where I'm at, what I'm feeling. Or maybe it's just timing. Maybe I'm more susceptible at times.

Anyway. None of that is important. What is important is that once the party did come around I was back in my old mindset. No hope of meeting, no desire to do so. Just hanging out with friends, drinking, dancing and actually getting to throw out a few songs that got the place going wild. It's always nice when people who have never seen me socially are completely taken aback when my party persona breaks out. And it's especially nice to be able to dance and have people clap and cheer because you're good at it.

Afterwards I was chastised by a friend's wife. Told that my current friendship with my ex is a very inconsiderate thing to be doing. I didn't take it to heart too deeply because I know I'm not rampaging on anyone's emotions, but it's still hard to know 100% for sure that I'm navigating safely and not letting loose harm into the world that might come back to haunt me.

"It's so totally obvious that she's still completely in love with you"

The chain is forever strong.

---

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.

And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.

is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.

Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.

You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do

More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

---

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Wishlist

Every year as a child, when Christmas would agonizingly slowly inch near, I would crack open the Sears catalog, head straight to the back and start making a list of all the toys I wanted. At the time it was the only window browsing a 7-year-old could manage. If only there were a catalog where we could realize our wishes as adults.

So, I give you this year's Christmas Wishlist:

1. Tickets to the show. Preferably 20 or more so that I can see it many times and even bring a few friends. (Practically guaranteed)

2. A certain someone escorted by me to the party in two weeks. (Very unlikely)

3. You on a plane to Houston. I meet you there, pick you up and drive us on to the gulf. We board a ship and spend 7 nights in the Caribbean. Private cabin, balcony overlooking the passing water. Nights in the wind on deck, days on sunny beaches. Drinks, dancing, solitude and all that we bring with it. (Financially easy, Realistically impossible)

(exactly what i saw in one of the many moments when you should have been near - click it!)

4. Seeing the show with you. (Moderately impossible, for the moment)

Unpleasant

First, I'd like to say that I know how obnoxious it is to listen to other people's dreams and I'm guilty of being the least patient person in the world when it comes to that, so I apologize for posts like this in advance.

I have no idea why you showed up in my sleep last night. I guess you're in my mind as much as ever but this was sort of surprising.

You called me out of the blue and were telling me that I needed to make plans to come see you. You were saying it like it was something we had already planned and discussed. I asked you why it was suddenly so urgent and you said it was because you were going to be traveling and didn't know when you'd be able to see me. Okay...
Then it turns out you're calling me from a bus station nearby. You didn't mean for me to fly out, you meant for me to hurry up and catch you while you were here, before your bus left. (why you were on a bus rather than plane, I have no idea. Heh.)
So suddenly I'm there, walking into this bus station diner where you're having lunch with your Mom, the Tank and some guy who introduces himself as David. I couldn't tell if David was *with* you, he didn't exactly act like it... but he didn't not act like it either. He hopped up and introduced himself, saying it was great to meet me and he'd heard much about me. Then he started asking me all these questions about starting a business and how to make money. Weird.
I kept looking at you and there was this odd sort of urgent anticipation between us. I didn't want to be rude with your family there, but I wanted desperately to pull you aside and ask what you were doing there. And I could tell you wanted that to.
I stayed and talked for a minute then excused myself to go to the restroom, giving you a look as I turned. You waited a moment then followed. We went to another section of the diner, behind glass doors and immediately were in each other's arms, your face buried in the side of my neck as I held you so tightly I thought I might break you. We stayed locked like that, not moving, not talking. People walked by and we seemed to pay no notice. Some of them smiled. An old couple passed by and the woman commented about how sweet it was.
Then David came wandering in. I was edgy about what was about to happen, but he didn't act odd at all. I still couldn't understand who he was. If you were together and he was just playing it cool or if he was only a friend and knew that part of your little journey included seeing me. He started asking me more questions about making money as you scurried quickly back to the table. I watched you go, feeling frustrated, held back with him babbling at me while I only wanted to get to you and find out what was going on.
Eventually I made it back to the table where you were sitting again and either your mom or David said it was time to leave. Before I could say anything you looked at me, very starkly but as if you were holding back a wave. You said "Yes, Jeff, you should just go" and it was clear that you were afraid if I lingered it would cause something bad to happen. Again I was confused. Maybe your mom didn't like you seeing me. Or was it the David thing? I was still completely lost about everything.
I chose to just walk away as you suggested, but I didn't lose your gaze the entire time I backed away. With each step it looked more and more like you were going to cry and I could feel myself starting to come undone a little bit.
I made it back to the area where we had hugged and watched through the glass. All of you got up and headed out, I assume toward the buses.
I was standing next to the table where the old people were sitting and one of them said, either to me or to the world in general "That isn't right". Then, unmistakably to me "You should do something about that".

And then I woke up. An hour before the alarm and thinking to myself "I really don't need dreams like that, thanks". Heh.

It always leaves me feeling weird when I dream about you, but it's usually pleasant, like I got to share a nice moment with you again. This was different, and sort of clouded my mood a little for the first couple of hours of the morning. It was a bit like a little taste of what it was really like years ago. I guess maybe it can be seen as a metaphor for our entire time together.

Next I think I'll share my Christmas wish list. Heh, that should be entertaining. Bring a swimsuit.

---

Imogen Heap - The Walk
Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it's not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That's where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this.
No it's not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don't want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

---

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Sleepless

I'm not sleeping well lately. I'm sure part of it is because I'm spending so much static time as I heal but I know there's more to it. I'm not keeping myself creatively entertained so I'm getting stagnant.

A friend recently brought up the years of artistic endeavors that made up my entire life from 87-94. It prompted me to go dig up a stack of tapes that encompassed all the original music I wrote and recorded in those days. Interesting to go through it all and to be reminded of the inspiration(s) for so much creativity. It also makes it clear how my life now has little of that. That's partly a good thing because that period was so tumultuous and often finding the impetus for creative work (for me) involves some fairly self-destructive behavior. There were even times when I knew I was engaging in bad situations just to fuel my dark, creative side.

But beyond the times that I wouldn't want to relive just for the sake of being creative it paints a sharp contrast on how routine, safe and common my days are now. I guess the unfortunate part of it all is that I only seem to feel tremendous passion in situations that are inevitably negative for my longterm good. I don't want to detour from all the positives my life entails now, but I miss feeling as though I'm doing things that have a bigger impact than just getting through another day in an average life.

Thanks for the song. Interesting to think that lines like that make you think of us. It isn't surprising... and yet it is. I love knowing that I'm the one your mind turns to when people describe things like that. Lately when I go off into thoughts of you it generally involves a spontaneous rendezvous, usually dropping everything to meet in some paradise. Convincing you to set life aside for a few days and spend them here or at some secluded getaway where I can share moments and places with you that I wish I could have during the last few years. At certain times little is said and it doesn't need to be, I'm near you and it feels as natural as it always did. Other times it's hours of conversation on nighttime beaches, at restaurant tables or as we nuzzle together on couches or in bed. But ultimately the part of the fantasy that I like the most is the familiarity of it, how it is almost as though there always was and always will be an "us", we just decide to meet up and be "us" again for a few days, taking a vacation from daily life to actually live. I'm an escapist so it makes sense that would be my thing. :)

Two nights ago I was driving home from a friends house, windows down, sunroof open, perfectly-warm wind whipping through the car as streetlights streaked by. It was easy to think how nice a moment that would be to share with you. Sorry that things are so messed up for you right now. I wish you could just disappear to some peaceful place like the ones I imagine.

I should probably really try to get some sleep.