I'm not sleeping well lately. I'm sure part of it is because I'm spending so much static time as I heal but I know there's more to it. I'm not keeping myself creatively entertained so I'm getting stagnant.
A friend recently brought up the years of artistic endeavors that made up my entire life from 87-94. It prompted me to go dig up a stack of tapes that encompassed all the original music I wrote and recorded in those days. Interesting to go through it all and to be reminded of the inspiration(s) for so much creativity. It also makes it clear how my life now has little of that. That's partly a good thing because that period was so tumultuous and often finding the impetus for creative work (for me) involves some fairly self-destructive behavior. There were even times when I knew I was engaging in bad situations just to fuel my dark, creative side.
But beyond the times that I wouldn't want to relive just for the sake of being creative it paints a sharp contrast on how routine, safe and common my days are now. I guess the unfortunate part of it all is that I only seem to feel tremendous passion in situations that are inevitably negative for my longterm good. I don't want to detour from all the positives my life entails now, but I miss feeling as though I'm doing things that have a bigger impact than just getting through another day in an average life.
Thanks for the song. Interesting to think that lines like that make you think of us. It isn't surprising... and yet it is. I love knowing that I'm the one your mind turns to when people describe things like that. Lately when I go off into thoughts of you it generally involves a spontaneous rendezvous, usually dropping everything to meet in some paradise. Convincing you to set life aside for a few days and spend them here or at some secluded getaway where I can share moments and places with you that I wish I could have during the last few years. At certain times little is said and it doesn't need to be, I'm near you and it feels as natural as it always did. Other times it's hours of conversation on nighttime beaches, at restaurant tables or as we nuzzle together on couches or in bed. But ultimately the part of the fantasy that I like the most is the familiarity of it, how it is almost as though there always was and always will be an "us", we just decide to meet up and be "us" again for a few days, taking a vacation from daily life to actually live. I'm an escapist so it makes sense that would be my thing. :)
Two nights ago I was driving home from a friends house, windows down, sunroof open, perfectly-warm wind whipping through the car as streetlights streaked by. It was easy to think how nice a moment that would be to share with you. Sorry that things are so messed up for you right now. I wish you could just disappear to some peaceful place like the ones I imagine.
I should probably really try to get some sleep.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
The Real World
You said that we rarely talk about our current lives when we speak, so here's a little rundown on what's been going on with me. It sort of goes in the opposite direction of what I created this little haven to be, but I guess everything evolves.
I've had a problem with one of my knees for years. A holdover from a youth of BMX and skateboarding. I tweaked it again recently and it kept me off of my feet for a couple of days, worse than ever. It was enough for my doc to finally agree that we should operate. Turns out I had a cartilage tear which they repaired with simple surgery about 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been on the couch. It's cool because I'm able to work remotely so I'm not losing ground at work or anything. In a few weeks, once it's all healed up it'll hopefully put the long-nagging problem behind me for good.
Oddly, the ex ex has been helping out here and there. I've been careful to keep things friendly, just to avoid anything getting messy (and unbalancing karma again). Not to sound arrogant, because she is probably the only ex I would say this about, but I can see that she would still jump at at the chance for us to be "us" again. I'm still very much in my mindset of not wanting to be involved with anyone at all. Funny, cause I've even recently met people which I know I would have been very interested in a few years ago, but now I sort of play the situation out in my head. I think "what would happen if I did get what I want?" and it doesn't take long to come back around to knowing that ultimately it would just make life unbearably complicated and less enjoyable than it is right now.
I know that part of it is also an increasing cynicism. I have a friend of a friend who is recently divorced from her high school sweetheart. So this is sort of her first foray into the world of dating as an adult. She's experiencing things that most of us did in our late teens/early 20's now in her early 30's. Part of this period involves online dating, with which I've had a fair amount of experience and realize seems to create more hope and anticipation than traditional meetings. So each week there's a new infatuation filled with all this hope, promise and excitement for her. I don't take any of it seriously. I'm glad she's having fun, but it's interesting for me to see how my perception is different these days. I guess I have a "have fun while it lasts" attitude... "because nothing ever does". I don't rain on anyone's parade or anything, but I just don't look to love to bring sunshine, rainbows and endless bliss so it's interesting to watch people who are still very invested in making their life "magical" with love as the lynchpin.
I've had a problem with one of my knees for years. A holdover from a youth of BMX and skateboarding. I tweaked it again recently and it kept me off of my feet for a couple of days, worse than ever. It was enough for my doc to finally agree that we should operate. Turns out I had a cartilage tear which they repaired with simple surgery about 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been on the couch. It's cool because I'm able to work remotely so I'm not losing ground at work or anything. In a few weeks, once it's all healed up it'll hopefully put the long-nagging problem behind me for good.
Oddly, the ex ex has been helping out here and there. I've been careful to keep things friendly, just to avoid anything getting messy (and unbalancing karma again). Not to sound arrogant, because she is probably the only ex I would say this about, but I can see that she would still jump at at the chance for us to be "us" again. I'm still very much in my mindset of not wanting to be involved with anyone at all. Funny, cause I've even recently met people which I know I would have been very interested in a few years ago, but now I sort of play the situation out in my head. I think "what would happen if I did get what I want?" and it doesn't take long to come back around to knowing that ultimately it would just make life unbearably complicated and less enjoyable than it is right now.
I know that part of it is also an increasing cynicism. I have a friend of a friend who is recently divorced from her high school sweetheart. So this is sort of her first foray into the world of dating as an adult. She's experiencing things that most of us did in our late teens/early 20's now in her early 30's. Part of this period involves online dating, with which I've had a fair amount of experience and realize seems to create more hope and anticipation than traditional meetings. So each week there's a new infatuation filled with all this hope, promise and excitement for her. I don't take any of it seriously. I'm glad she's having fun, but it's interesting for me to see how my perception is different these days. I guess I have a "have fun while it lasts" attitude... "because nothing ever does". I don't rain on anyone's parade or anything, but I just don't look to love to bring sunshine, rainbows and endless bliss so it's interesting to watch people who are still very invested in making their life "magical" with love as the lynchpin.
Monday, August 20, 2007
How Hard It Must Be
My life these days is odd. It seems a bit unreal, very... "in between". This is a transitional phase. An interesting side effect is the way the many facets of the last few years have intertwined.
I work with my two recent ex-girlfriends, although I have more contact with the ex ex than the most recent one.
And then there is this place. This little sanctuary I created where I can go to resurrect the emotional parts of me, the parts that seem to have completely evaporated when you did. Resurrect them and share them with you.
There was an odd moment a few weeks ago. I was transitioning from my old job to a new one within the same company. My new job is a dream. So finally I get to do what I love to and maintain the nice paycheck. Finally my professional life is in sync.
During this transition came the obligatory "going away" where my old team said farewell as I moved to a new group. The ex ex was there... not more than 3 feet from the most recent ex at one point. I couldn't help but think how difficult that must have been for ex ex.
She still contacts me at any opportunity, using any excuse to keep me within reach... and now that I'm single again I can see that increasing. It's fine. We were great friends and there are many facets to our relationship that I miss. I can very mush understand the concept of not wanting to completely let go. ;)
But in a moment of that after-hours drunken stupor I realized how difficult the moment must have been for her. I thought about what it would have been like for me if you had been only five feet away. Current partner aside, just being that close to you, especially with the blur of alcohol in my veins, it would have been impossible for me to maintain any distance from you.
I don't want to be an evil person, and I try my best to not be. I've tried to do good things since karma (as i see it) chose to teach me a lesson 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling as though I'm still creating a bit of pain in the universe due to moments like that which have me at the epicenter.
In any case, I can at least empathize with how powerful that moment must have been (for her). I find it hard to convince myself that if the situation had been translated, with you smiling and laughing only 5 feet away from me, I would have been powerless to not go to you, squat at your feet as I did on the SambaMilk night, on the terrace under the stars, and look into your almond eyes. I don't know what I'd say. Perhaps nothing. Just to look again might be enough. (but it wouldn't, I know better... I'd want a repeat of the spiraling ecstasy moments that came an hour later). I know what I would have done because it's what I do when you come to me in dreams. Those nights are rare, but when they come, I am always near you as much as I can be.
And this, again, is the unbroken chain.
Funny, I once said I thought getting over the last 5% would take a while. But now I believe that the last 5% will never be gone at all.
:)
(I get messages of this ilk from her, which is how I understand)
I work with my two recent ex-girlfriends, although I have more contact with the ex ex than the most recent one.
And then there is this place. This little sanctuary I created where I can go to resurrect the emotional parts of me, the parts that seem to have completely evaporated when you did. Resurrect them and share them with you.
There was an odd moment a few weeks ago. I was transitioning from my old job to a new one within the same company. My new job is a dream. So finally I get to do what I love to and maintain the nice paycheck. Finally my professional life is in sync.
During this transition came the obligatory "going away" where my old team said farewell as I moved to a new group. The ex ex was there... not more than 3 feet from the most recent ex at one point. I couldn't help but think how difficult that must have been for ex ex.
She still contacts me at any opportunity, using any excuse to keep me within reach... and now that I'm single again I can see that increasing. It's fine. We were great friends and there are many facets to our relationship that I miss. I can very mush understand the concept of not wanting to completely let go. ;)
But in a moment of that after-hours drunken stupor I realized how difficult the moment must have been for her. I thought about what it would have been like for me if you had been only five feet away. Current partner aside, just being that close to you, especially with the blur of alcohol in my veins, it would have been impossible for me to maintain any distance from you.
I don't want to be an evil person, and I try my best to not be. I've tried to do good things since karma (as i see it) chose to teach me a lesson 5 years ago. But I can't help feeling as though I'm still creating a bit of pain in the universe due to moments like that which have me at the epicenter.
In any case, I can at least empathize with how powerful that moment must have been (for her). I find it hard to convince myself that if the situation had been translated, with you smiling and laughing only 5 feet away from me, I would have been powerless to not go to you, squat at your feet as I did on the SambaMilk night, on the terrace under the stars, and look into your almond eyes. I don't know what I'd say. Perhaps nothing. Just to look again might be enough. (but it wouldn't, I know better... I'd want a repeat of the spiraling ecstasy moments that came an hour later). I know what I would have done because it's what I do when you come to me in dreams. Those nights are rare, but when they come, I am always near you as much as I can be.
And this, again, is the unbroken chain.
Funny, I once said I thought getting over the last 5% would take a while. But now I believe that the last 5% will never be gone at all.
:)
(I get messages of this ilk from her, which is how I understand)
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Oh, and...
Tonight I sat peacefully and thought of something you asked recently... why we always go back to those nights even though they were so far away and so long ago.
I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me.
For me the answer is simple: I go back to those nights simply because there has not been another night since then that has been that good.
I've had good nights during the last 5 years.. and to quote a song that has been with me for... probably 25 years... "other loves have come and gone"... but there hasn't been a better night since the 5 really big ones I shared with you.
Purple Vanilla
Samba Milk
(quoting you) "The first time we... well... you know"
The fight night when I carried you to bed
The last night I saw your face
It sucks, I know... and I don't hold on to these things, refusing to move forward. I did that for a while, but then I dove headlong into the world in front of me and only occasionally glanced back. But in all the nights since, all the people who have some and gone, all the moments that have passed, all the places I have been, people I've seen, words I've spoken and sights I've beheld, there has yet to be a moment that I wouldn't trade for one of those 5 nights. I wish that weren't the case and I've tried to make it so, but it's still a fact.
I spent tonight in the company of a beautiful woman (my drug) and she laughed and we flirted and it was pleasant and fun.. but...
Always "but".
"but" means that I lost more than just you that night on the phone/IM. I knew it would happen and I think it's why I took it so hard when you left. I lost hope.
I finally came to a realization that most people come to in their early adolescence (I'm naive and a late bloomer): The fact that no one is going to come along and make everything wonderful. No one is going to come along and save me. People are just people and the world is just the world and life is just life.
So now when I go out into the world, I have fun and I love being smiled at by beautiful women, but I no longer have this hope that maybe they will be this wonderful person that will change everything. I just see them for what they are: people. People just like you and me and everyone else. No one gets on a pedestal anymore. That part of me is gone. And I wish it weren't so, but it is and although I've tried, I can't change it.
I remember I once wrote in my other blog that I wished I could go back to the time before you left, not just because I could relive those moments with you, but mainly because then I would remember what it felt like to be me before I lost you... and everything that went with you.
This is rambling and I apologize, but to wrap it up cleanly: I believe I'll stop going back to those nights when I have better ones to think about. Only I'm not sure that will ever happen... because as the last two women who have shared life with me will attest, I no longer seem capable of being overcome and overwhelmed with love. I just live.
Kim Carnes - I'll Be Here Where the Heart Is
It's the song that just keeps playing on the radio
And you know I haven't seen you for a while
I lie awake at night and I wonder how you are
and I wish that I could see you again
Is it luck or is it fate that brings us back?
Or is it just a common point of view?
Time has put a spell on you, you never seem to change
and I wish that I could see you again
I'll be here where the heart is
when the dreams that we've been after all come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
It's the light that keeps shining day after day
when other loves have come and gone
I'll be here with open arms to take you in
and I wish that I could see you again
And in between
And when I need to see you again
All I have to do is close my eyes
Oh the picture's coming in my friend
I'll hold you again
But who knows when
I'll be here where the heart is
When the dreams that we've been after
All come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
I can't speak for you, I can only speak for me.
For me the answer is simple: I go back to those nights simply because there has not been another night since then that has been that good.
I've had good nights during the last 5 years.. and to quote a song that has been with me for... probably 25 years... "other loves have come and gone"... but there hasn't been a better night since the 5 really big ones I shared with you.
Purple Vanilla
Samba Milk
(quoting you) "The first time we... well... you know"
The fight night when I carried you to bed
The last night I saw your face
It sucks, I know... and I don't hold on to these things, refusing to move forward. I did that for a while, but then I dove headlong into the world in front of me and only occasionally glanced back. But in all the nights since, all the people who have some and gone, all the moments that have passed, all the places I have been, people I've seen, words I've spoken and sights I've beheld, there has yet to be a moment that I wouldn't trade for one of those 5 nights. I wish that weren't the case and I've tried to make it so, but it's still a fact.
I spent tonight in the company of a beautiful woman (my drug) and she laughed and we flirted and it was pleasant and fun.. but...
Always "but".
"but" means that I lost more than just you that night on the phone/IM. I knew it would happen and I think it's why I took it so hard when you left. I lost hope.
I finally came to a realization that most people come to in their early adolescence (I'm naive and a late bloomer): The fact that no one is going to come along and make everything wonderful. No one is going to come along and save me. People are just people and the world is just the world and life is just life.
So now when I go out into the world, I have fun and I love being smiled at by beautiful women, but I no longer have this hope that maybe they will be this wonderful person that will change everything. I just see them for what they are: people. People just like you and me and everyone else. No one gets on a pedestal anymore. That part of me is gone. And I wish it weren't so, but it is and although I've tried, I can't change it.
I remember I once wrote in my other blog that I wished I could go back to the time before you left, not just because I could relive those moments with you, but mainly because then I would remember what it felt like to be me before I lost you... and everything that went with you.
This is rambling and I apologize, but to wrap it up cleanly: I believe I'll stop going back to those nights when I have better ones to think about. Only I'm not sure that will ever happen... because as the last two women who have shared life with me will attest, I no longer seem capable of being overcome and overwhelmed with love. I just live.
Kim Carnes - I'll Be Here Where the Heart Is
It's the song that just keeps playing on the radio
And you know I haven't seen you for a while
I lie awake at night and I wonder how you are
and I wish that I could see you again
Is it luck or is it fate that brings us back?
Or is it just a common point of view?
Time has put a spell on you, you never seem to change
and I wish that I could see you again
I'll be here where the heart is
when the dreams that we've been after all come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
It's the light that keeps shining day after day
when other loves have come and gone
I'll be here with open arms to take you in
and I wish that I could see you again
And in between
And when I need to see you again
All I have to do is close my eyes
Oh the picture's coming in my friend
I'll hold you again
But who knows when
I'll be here where the heart is
When the dreams that we've been after
All come true
You will find me here where the heart is
I'll wait for you
I'll wait for you
Monday, July 23, 2007
Solo
It appears that another chapter in my life is closing. My current relationship is ending. It's for the best and has been as painless as possible for everyone so far, but the situation is never an easy one, no matter which side you're on.
So now I'll go into a period of reflection, trying to determine what I've learned, what was right, what was wrong and how it will affect me as I move forward.
For the first time... maybe ever... I have no desire to be involved in anything with anyone right now. Probably not for some time, if at all. Part of me is getting to a point where I'm realizing that I'm not very good in a romantic relationship. Not for me or the other person. I'm good for about 2 weeks, during the real high of "I can't believe this is happening!". Then this fear wraps around everything. Once I have what I want (or at least it appears I'm going to have it) then I become terrified of losing it, of the vulnerable position I've put myself in by needing something/someone. That's the point where I become all the things that no one wants: jealous, possessive, insecure. Then the relationship becomes nothing but misery for me. I remember feeling that start with you. After you had left and you went away for a camping trip for a few days. It was the first time we hadn't talked for hours a day, every day, since we started talking at all. You came back and said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, but during those short few days without you I remember feeling it crawling up in me and thinking "Here's where the bad part begins. She's precious to me now and I have her, so going forward I'm going to be terrified of losing her."
If the person is strong enough to weather my insecure BS period (usually about 3-4 months, depending on how comfortable the other person makes me) then I seem to slowly degrade into apathy until the relationship disintegrates. This can take years. Long, painful years.
My relationships are also getting shorter. Early on they took about 4 years to run their course. The last couple have only lasted a year or two. Maybe I'm at least learning to end things before those long, painful years drag on. But in any case, I'm realizing that I'm just not a very good romantic partner, not beyond the brief courtship period anyway. So I think I'll spare myself (and everyone else) the emotional turmoil... for a while anyway. And when/if I do decide to jump back in I think I'll preface it by telling the other person to only plan on a couple of weeks of fun, if they need more than that then they should just move along. Heh.
I've thought quite a bit about something a friend said to me once. I was whining about being single and he pointed out that some of the happiest times of my life (true happiness, not the pleasurable infatuations that are more akin to a drug high) have been when I was single. I thought about that and it's completely accurate. You came along at the end of the best period of my life. I remember feeling like something was missing in my life but I mostly remember this great feeling that I was exactly where I wanted to be, lived how I wanted to live and my life was wrapped around me exactly as I wanted it to be. I can feel that starting again. The thing that always seems to ruin those periods is me getting involved with something. Heh.
Interesting that it is happening almost in conjunction with a job change which also makes me very happy. It's as if everything renews at once. It will make it easy to look back and remember exactly when one era ended and another began, easy to compare my happiness before and after.
There's something you should see, if you haven't. It's older, but it's a favorite of mine and I stumbled across it again this weekend. It's called Flirting. Very "me" in an overly-romantic reminiscence sort of way. But near the end there is this sort of "time is short" theme that felt very familiar. Although they try to play off of Kidman's later popularity in the marketing, she has little to do with the story. It's actually about an exotic beauty and a scrawny white boy. Heh. Familiar. Rent it if you can.
Thrillseekers - Getting Away With It
"You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
Don't be afraid of it.
You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I never thought I did.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
and getting away with it.
I suppose you're gonna run me down now,
run me down and treat me like a criminal."
So now I'll go into a period of reflection, trying to determine what I've learned, what was right, what was wrong and how it will affect me as I move forward.
For the first time... maybe ever... I have no desire to be involved in anything with anyone right now. Probably not for some time, if at all. Part of me is getting to a point where I'm realizing that I'm not very good in a romantic relationship. Not for me or the other person. I'm good for about 2 weeks, during the real high of "I can't believe this is happening!". Then this fear wraps around everything. Once I have what I want (or at least it appears I'm going to have it) then I become terrified of losing it, of the vulnerable position I've put myself in by needing something/someone. That's the point where I become all the things that no one wants: jealous, possessive, insecure. Then the relationship becomes nothing but misery for me. I remember feeling that start with you. After you had left and you went away for a camping trip for a few days. It was the first time we hadn't talked for hours a day, every day, since we started talking at all. You came back and said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, but during those short few days without you I remember feeling it crawling up in me and thinking "Here's where the bad part begins. She's precious to me now and I have her, so going forward I'm going to be terrified of losing her."
If the person is strong enough to weather my insecure BS period (usually about 3-4 months, depending on how comfortable the other person makes me) then I seem to slowly degrade into apathy until the relationship disintegrates. This can take years. Long, painful years.
My relationships are also getting shorter. Early on they took about 4 years to run their course. The last couple have only lasted a year or two. Maybe I'm at least learning to end things before those long, painful years drag on. But in any case, I'm realizing that I'm just not a very good romantic partner, not beyond the brief courtship period anyway. So I think I'll spare myself (and everyone else) the emotional turmoil... for a while anyway. And when/if I do decide to jump back in I think I'll preface it by telling the other person to only plan on a couple of weeks of fun, if they need more than that then they should just move along. Heh.
I've thought quite a bit about something a friend said to me once. I was whining about being single and he pointed out that some of the happiest times of my life (true happiness, not the pleasurable infatuations that are more akin to a drug high) have been when I was single. I thought about that and it's completely accurate. You came along at the end of the best period of my life. I remember feeling like something was missing in my life but I mostly remember this great feeling that I was exactly where I wanted to be, lived how I wanted to live and my life was wrapped around me exactly as I wanted it to be. I can feel that starting again. The thing that always seems to ruin those periods is me getting involved with something. Heh.
Interesting that it is happening almost in conjunction with a job change which also makes me very happy. It's as if everything renews at once. It will make it easy to look back and remember exactly when one era ended and another began, easy to compare my happiness before and after.
There's something you should see, if you haven't. It's older, but it's a favorite of mine and I stumbled across it again this weekend. It's called Flirting. Very "me" in an overly-romantic reminiscence sort of way. But near the end there is this sort of "time is short" theme that felt very familiar. Although they try to play off of Kidman's later popularity in the marketing, she has little to do with the story. It's actually about an exotic beauty and a scrawny white boy. Heh. Familiar. Rent it if you can.
Thrillseekers - Getting Away With It
"You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
Don't be afraid of it.
You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I never thought I did.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
and getting away with it.
I suppose you're gonna run me down now,
run me down and treat me like a criminal."
Monday, July 2, 2007
Dreams and the Unbroken Chain
My life is interesting these days. I have the job that I always wanted, I'm more successful than I've ever been, I'm financially more stable than ever and (as always) I have plenty of creative outlets in my free time which leave me feeling very fulfilled. But still there is something missing. There always is.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.
I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.
I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.
Monday, May 21, 2007
5 Years
I realized this weekend that it's been 5 years since we were "us". It's always odd when you can look back and then put a number on the time that has passed and it's bigger than you would have expected. I remember that feeling the first time I realized that I could remember things that happened 20 years ago, or friends that I've known for 20 years. It doesn't feel that way at all. My mom said that even though she is in her late 50's she still feels that way, apparently it never goes away. You never feel as old as you are, you always feel like you're in your early 20's... on the inside anyway.
This time of year always has me thinking back more than usual. It was actually right around this week that things were starting to happen for us back then.
I came across this today as I was cruising through the morning news articles:
Summer Sights in the Sky
Not as good as when we saw all 5 (plus the moon) but it's the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again. You say you hope we will remain friends forever and I think we will. I know I'll always come back to memories of that summer because no matter how happy or sad I am, it's hard not to feel good when remembering the soft warmth of the world around me in those days. So I'm sure I'll think back to that period from time to time as long as I live.
A friend told me this week that his father is having a rough time fighting cancer. I thought about what I would do if I found out my time was limited. What things would I want to get done while I still could? I would definitely want to see you again, so I would make that happen.
It wouldn't make sense in the midst of normal daily life but spending another evening smiling at you from across a restaurant table would be on the short list of things to do if time were a factor. If how I spent every minute were vitally important then using up a few hours that way would be a good investment.
The odd thing is, I know how I see you now, the changes I can see in you (at least from the brief glimpses I get of who you are now). What I really wonder is what you would see differently in me. I wonder if I'm more positive, more cynical, less romantic, less idealistic, happier, more self-assured... or the opposite of all those... or exactly the same?
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me?"
This time of year always has me thinking back more than usual. It was actually right around this week that things were starting to happen for us back then.
I came across this today as I was cruising through the morning news articles:
Summer Sights in the Sky
Not as good as when we saw all 5 (plus the moon) but it's the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see you again. You say you hope we will remain friends forever and I think we will. I know I'll always come back to memories of that summer because no matter how happy or sad I am, it's hard not to feel good when remembering the soft warmth of the world around me in those days. So I'm sure I'll think back to that period from time to time as long as I live.
A friend told me this week that his father is having a rough time fighting cancer. I thought about what I would do if I found out my time was limited. What things would I want to get done while I still could? I would definitely want to see you again, so I would make that happen.
It wouldn't make sense in the midst of normal daily life but spending another evening smiling at you from across a restaurant table would be on the short list of things to do if time were a factor. If how I spent every minute were vitally important then using up a few hours that way would be a good investment.
The odd thing is, I know how I see you now, the changes I can see in you (at least from the brief glimpses I get of who you are now). What I really wonder is what you would see differently in me. I wonder if I'm more positive, more cynical, less romantic, less idealistic, happier, more self-assured... or the opposite of all those... or exactly the same?
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me?"
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