The Power of Making Someone Come

Currently I'm a clown. A clown that is juggling 5 things... all the while trying to get even more balls in the air.
2 of these things are interestingly opposed. Text messages to one are long, detailed, playful, flirtatious and sweet. But our time face to face is awkward and slightly strained. Time face to face with the other is very affectionate, playful, enjoyable and warm. But texts are short, curt and somewhat stoic. It shows either the stark delineation between how different people have different comfort levels with anonymity vs. real contact... or that the quality of a person's technology makes a big difference in how easy it is for them to convey emotion. Heh.

I'm sleeping with one of them and I realize there is a specific quality to it that intensifies everything for me. I make her come.

Before I go down that road... I'll rewind a bit. My last two relationships involved no orgasms for my partners during sex (of any kind). One of them could only do it herself (but not in the presence of another person) and the other couldn't at all (Not just with me, with anyone). I hadn't realized until now just how important that really is for me to be happy sexually.
I've had people who did an incredible job of rocking my shit in the sack. They would go to great lengths to make me happy... but I can now look back and see that if I couldn't make them come then all that effort resulted in a fairly lackluster feeling for me. I definitely get a serious sense of sexual satisfaction from being able to give my partner satisfaction.

I can't speak assuredly about us, but I believe that I was able to make you come. With my hands, my mouth and when I was inside you. We never really discussed it, but the ways your body moved and the sounds you made had me fairly certain I was getting you to where you wanted to be. And, until recently, that was the last time I was with someone that I clicked with to that extent sexually.
It has me thinking back even farther and realizing that my only truly satisfying sexual relationships were ones where I could give orgasms left and right. And it wasn't something that had to be "worked on" over time. It was like it was with you. Within the first 2-3 times of sleeping together I was able to make the person come any way I wanted to, repeatedly.

It has also made me realize that was a strong reason for the "death" of my sex drive that I felt had been coming over me. I find myself thinking about it more and anticipating it now, looking forward to it. For a long time it has felt like this hollow effort with little reward. I see now that was because no matter how powerfully someone gets me off, it pales in comparison to the rush of making the other person come.

To be clear, this isn't because I'm suddenly having sex again, I've been having sex steadily during the last few years, in some fantastic places, sometimes enhanced by incredible chemicals... but not in a very satisfying way.

The situation I'm in won't last. The balls will eventually get away from me, and that's fine. The last thing I want is anything long-term. The best thing that will result from all of this is the nice feeling returning that I am good at it... I've just been with the wrong partners. :)

That Thing...

Front (click for full res)


Rear (click for full res)


Inner (click for full res)

Again, I'm doing that thing that I do which is due to that thing you do to me. (heh, that was fun)

It's been a while since I mixed a CD. After our convo last week about music and how trance/house just never quite gets you there, I decided to put a new disc together. It's been a couple of years and there is some great music that has come my way in that time. I picked tracks that really drove to the heart of my feelings right after you left, during the years I spent trying to sort it all out in my head and heart, and now that we have come to the place we currently are.

Once the mix is complete I'll give you a link so that you can drop it on your iPod. I'll also give some explanation then, but for now you can see the cover/liner art and probably get a feel for the mood of it all. It's now the third disc inspired by us and the feelings that I carry from that. So, in the vain of the "basically, it's perfect" conversation with my friend, I continue to use what we are as a sort of muse for my creative endeavors. We will never be what I wanted us to be and the reality of the now is so far from the way I have you packaged in my head, but that's good. It allows me to feed off of it from time to time and in the end, although I don't have what I wanted, I'm left with beautiful artworks that will outlast any romances, infatuations or other variations of my heart's desire.

Life is so completely insane right now. I would go into details, but it will only color me in a way that I'd prefer not to do here (or specifically, in your mind). My social life is over the top, there are a multitude of romantic entanglements, I'm still feeling the fallout from the night of "The Betrayer", I'm having an incredibly good time but fearful that I'm generating horrible karma, etc. etc. etc. Basically I'm eating up everything I can, but I feel separated from it all. As if I'm watching it from the outside, detached. I know the reasons why. Put simply, it's because I am in no way emotionally involved in any of it. It's a fun time, it's an exciting ride, but ultimately other people are playing with real money whereas all my bets are placed with bills from a Monopoly game. To me this is all fun, a period of play and distraction. I know that other people in the game are playing for keeps, for real... and I worry that it could all end very badly. But it's difficult to walk away... not just because the ride is enjoyable, but as a reaction to the fact that I've spent my entire life overly invested emotionally. I think I'm swinging the pendulum, probably too far, to a place where I can just be... without it having an effect on me emotionally. Basically I feel like I'm closer to being how everyone else in the world is. Which sucks. But being myself in these situations only served to make me miserable, so I'll see how this plays out and learn from it. There will be tears, but they won't be mine... at least not initially.

Tonight I had dinner with a couple of old friends and some great new friends. The new friends were talking about how they met, their courtship, etc. They described 9 hour dates, conversations that would never end and the intense longing and power of knowing that they were with the person they wanted to be with forever. It was as if they were trying to convey something to me, to the wild, single party boy friend of theirs... and all I could think was "No explanation required".

No show this weekend. I had too much going on and couldn't fit it in. Shows what a crazy life I'm living at the moment when even a 3-day weekend doesn't give me enough time to find "the only bliss that I know won't end".

My Life is Now Officially a Bad Fucking Sit-Com

I love my new phone (HTC Mogul), but I will forever refer to it as "The Betrayer".

Last Friday was a *great* day. I read somewhere that a pseudo-scientist had worked out this formula and determined that last Friday (6/20/2008) was the "Happiest Day of the Year" for people. It had to do with the season, proximity to other holidays (like the 4th of July) etc, etc. It's bullshit, but an interesting concept. I mean, the same day can't be the best of the year for everyone. What if last Friday was the day someone's mother died? Pretty sure that's not the best day for them... but maybe for most people it is. So I sort of kept the idea in the back of my mind and tried to gauge how well my day went.

It was incredible.

Then it was a tragedy.

I already had a date lined up. The product of a fantastic night out clubbing with a friend who now has Epic Wingman Status A#1™. I was looking forward to it for days and it was coming together after a frustrating weekend of not being able to sync up with her the week before.
(I will now point out that I realize all my "happy" moments from the day are centered around women and that I continue to be a fucking addict who really needs a 12 step program. I'm aware I have a problem, I admit it, and that's the first step. Heh)

For Friday's lunch, I went for sushi with a couple of female friends. Our waitress was killer cute. But before I could step up to ask for her number (learning lessons from not stepping up at Pangaea - the subject from a couple of posts ago - and missing the killer cute asian, I'm not ever letting that happen again) my friends slipped her my number without me even knowing. Before we left I actually did make the move but she had a BF... they always do... she was very flattered and thanked me for letting her know (or actually, my friends letting her know, without my knowledge) how cute I found her to be.
It felt good to actually be stepping up, but I was aware that it was like looking for a job when you already have one, much easier to be confident because of the safety net. The fact that I was set to meet a cutie latina later that day made it all easier.

Anyway. then the next thing...
There's someone that I've been crushing on at work for months. I would see her repeatedly, but she was always coming/going to/from a different building, not someone I actually had any opportunity to interact with. Then, out of the blue, at a team lunch a few weeks ago she shows up and sits down with the group. Turns out she works peripherally with my group and I didn't know.
When I was at the sushi lunch she came into the restaurant for lunch at the same time.
It was as if fate was doing that thing it did to me with you, screaming "Idiot, I'm putting her in your eyeline repeatedly for a reason."
So, when I got back to the office I made it my mission to finally step up. After all, it was starting to look like I was going for a record of how many women I could ask out in one day. Heh.
Anytime I would go by her desk she was always on the phone... busy girl. So my female friends suggested something stupid that would never work. That I head downstairs to the starbucks in our building, but 2 lattes and give her one with my number on it. Totally weak plan.

It worked.

Within 10 minutes I had an email thanking me for the coffee, which unfortunately she doesn't drink, and a note that we should get together sometime.

Holy shit.

So now I'm blissfully high on my drug of choice, with great things still waiting later in the evening. It really was a great day. Not the best this year... because buying the house and a couple of nights at the show (especially sex at the show) are pretty hard to beat. But still it was a contender.

And then it got better.

After the tragic date I had 2 weeks ago it wouldn't take much for someone to shine, but the date that night was surprisingly, fantastically great. Constant laughs, surprisingly similar viewpoints, etc etc etc. I'll avoid the fact that she's even younger than you.... uhhh.. yeah, as young as you were when we went out... but I know that nothing I get involved in is going to last too long anyway, so at the very most it could be a nice little short-lived romance.

Now, the best 3 dates of my life all belong to you. And I'd love to meet the person to dethrone you on that one, but it simply hasn't happened... in any case, this night slipped right in behind those 3. It wasn't "shut the restaurant down after 5 hours of conversation" good, but it was really damned good.
When it was over I walked past the lit storefronts of the little pseudo-Dallas shopping/eatery mall on a cloud. Smiling so big that it made my face hurt.

It was still early... 10ish... and I was so fueled on the incredible day that I wanted to keep eating it up, taking bite after bite out of the world and riding the momentum of what really was turning into a phenomenal 24 hours.
I texted every friend I had, but they are all lame asses and there was no continued fun to be had. No clubbing, no dancing, no laughing. just a quiet spin down. And I'm stuck trying to push out of my mind the fact that I couldn't wait to spend time with her again.

And then I got the voice mail.

I'll now digress and explain that over the last few months my ex-ex and I have been spending lots of time together. I enjoy having her in my life as a friend, but I was aware that it was a complicated and delicate balance to maintain. Over the last few weeks she had been pushing it further and further, figuring that over time if she stayed in the picture we would end up as a couple again by default. But the simple fact is I still don't want a serious relationship with anyone and even if I did, I just don't feel the passion for her that I need to feel to be in a relationship with someone.

And here's where the ugliness begins.

There was a friend coming into town for the night from San Antonio and a group of ATX friends (including the ex-ex) were going to meet up with her. I told them I had another thing planned (the date, unknown to the ex-ex) but would try to meet up with the group later.
The ex-ex texted me at some point during my date, letting me know where they were so that I could meet up once I was free.

This is where the ludicrous sit-com shit begins.

Apparently when the text came through, a button got pushed on my phone in my pocket to call the number back. This calls the ex-ex, who doesn't answer, cause she's in a loud bar, so it goes to voice mail... where a message is left from inside my pocket relaying 5-10 minutes of my conversation with my date.

FUCK. ME.

Now, the ex-ex and I aren't dating, aren't involved, aren't committed, etc etc... but obviously... it's complicated. The last thing she wants to hear is a flirtatious conversation between me and some little latina chippie.

The "Great Day" train has now gone off the tracks.

So as I was walking away from the date, smiling, on a cloud, the ex-ex was listening repeatedly to this voicemail of my conversation. The laughter, the flirting, the obvious attraction. The happiest day of the year was about to unravel in epic scale.

Again, there is really no reason why the ex-ex can legitimately be upset, but obviously the last thing she wants to hear is me diving headlong into someone with an attraction that I don't feel for her. And, more importantly, I've tried to be respectful of her feelings and the last thing I would want to do is subject her to torture like that. I wouldn't want to hear that shit if I felt that way about someone (I immediately think of how I wouldn't want to hear you in a similar situation). Plus the karma of it all scares the shit out of me.

There's lots more to the story, but in the end the ex-ex has taken the brunt of it, is backing off as gracefully as possible and an attempt to meet up with the latina on the following night failed, leaving me spun. I'm failing on my second resolution for the year, to not complicate my life.

I really hate that even though I know, without a hint of a shadow of a doubt that these situations will only make me miserable in the end, I can't stop pursuing them. If it weren't so late I'd go to the show to make it all much more pleasant.

Heheh. My life.

I Refuse To Be Reduced To This

First, when you read that headline, make sure you picture me smiling, laughing, barely able to contain myself. That's how it's meant to be taken, not in some bitter, angry way that it might come across.

And now, I will begin my story.
Basically in the world around us we sometimes encounter men (and women when the situation is reversed) who are known as "That Guy™". Last night I was "That Guy™"

My friends who have more tolerance and less foresight than myself often share great stories of horrible dates they've been on and the atrocious behaviors that leave a permanent impression. I've never really had such experiences. I attribute that to my lack of ability to deal with the slightest amount of bullshit, therefore avoiding situations and people who I can see early on are going to do nothing but waste my time. Much like my last post, I failed once again.

My neighbor, a sweet, slightly-older woman, was talking to me in the yard one evening and I mentioned how I tend to date asian women. She sort of perked up and asked "Oh really?". She then explained how she had a friend who is exactly my age, very attractive and surprisingly single. The flag immediately goes up. Anyone worth having would have been taken long ago. I mean, I look at my single self and know that I'm on my own because I'm more than most can deal with, with 0% tolerance for dealing with others. So it makes sense.

But a few days later she stops by and asks if she can email her friend about me, introduce us this way. I agree. After a couple of emails the friend and I decide to have lunch. It goes okay. She's much more attractive than I would have imagined, but a little... dense. She's more conservative than I know will work for me... and she's got a bit too much of the "daddy's little princess" entitlement thing going on. I dealt with that in one relationship and I won't ever do it again, so I can already see that this isn't going to go anywhere serious.

Lunch ends and we decide to catch a movie later in the week. I figure I'll at least try to be nice, friendly and maybe make a new friend, etc. But since I'm still not all that interested in making any effort to be involved in anything serious I figure at most it'll be a nice way to have a dinner companion from time to time.

So, the week goes by, a couple of emails and plans for the movie are made. I really wanted to see the new Tarsem Singh film The Fall. It was just released after over 2 years of waiting and is supposed to be gorgeous. He also did The Cell, which sucked for a story, but was incredibly beautiful to watch. I figured at the very least it would be eye candy and help to take my mind off of some stress that's building up at work and in my side business. I just wanted a nice, relaxing night out to clear my head and watch a movie.

We decide on dinner first. I pick her up at her place after work and we're off to eat Chinese and have a cocktail before the movie. She is absolutely stunning. She was dressed rather reserved during our lunch, but for dinner she is completely to the 9's. Surprising, since she is rather conservative, but I can't possibly complain about a woman looking good.

Dinner is nice, we chat, laugh, etc. But all the while I'm sort of keeping this counter for all the times she makes comments that expose the over-inflated sense of entitlement and unattractive "I'm the shit and everyone just wishes they were good enough to have me" attitude. It isn't bad enough to completely turn me off, but enough that I continue to think "Yeah, I can't imagine spending any serious about of time with this person". But, like I said, I at least figured I'd get to relax and see a beautiful film.

So, we're off to the movie. We get there right on time, get decent seats and it's underway.

And then it starts...

It turns out that she's one of those people who likes to make comments boldly about what she is seeing or what is happening in the movie. I immediately begin to sink into my seat.

I'm the type of person that tries to be as respectful of other people as possible, especially when I'm out in public. I shut my mouth when I'm at the movies, make sure the phone is off, etc. And I'm usually the one shushing idiots who discuss the movie in progress at full volume as if they are in their own living room. I really can't stand inconsiderate people, especially in those situations.

So here I am, next to a person who is dressed all hot, obviously thinks she's the shit (so much so that she is alone because she has yet to find the man who is "worthy" of her) making comments to the movie loudly enough that everyone can hear, some of them turning and looking over their shoulders in irritation.
Here I am... That Guy. The guy who is obviously such a tool that he associates with bubble-headed trophy girls. The guy who is obviously such a slave to his penis that he'll overlook what a totally socially inept person he is with as long as she looks good.
Only I'm not That Guy, but as far as everyone else in the theater was concerned, I was.

I so wanted to move a few seats down the row.

And then it gets better.

The visuals start to swirl and paint beautiful metaphors across the screen. Pain through the mind of a child is illustrated fantastically. Singh is fantastic.
Then she announces "This movie is WIERD!"
I hear people snicker at her idiocy.

Jesus.

It's amazing to me how people like that have no sense of themselves. They assume that everyone around them couldn't possibly have a reason to complain about anything they do, therefore they have no tact, no self-awareness and no remorse.

At some point the movie starts to get intense. Nothing gory or sexual or anything like that. Just people having to endure some pain and suffering. The things we all have to face as we go through life as adults.
And that's when she says it...

"I don't think I can handle this"

and she gets up, grabs her purse and leaves.

What. The. Fuck.

I, of course, have no choice but to follow her, take her home, etc etc. She apologizes the entire time, but it's easy to see that what her apologies mean isn't "I'm sorry I can't handle that" but rather "I'm sorry that there are people who film things like that and think it's okay... and that there are people (like you) who want to watch them."

Uhhhh... again.. it wasn't anything lewd, disgusting, in bad taste, revolting, pornographic, etc. It was just people having to deal with the unpleasantness of life... only told through the eyes of a child with incredible imagery and wonder. I can't wait to one day see how it actually fucking ends!

And that's when I realized. In the world of this infantile, daddy's little girl princess, she doesn't have to face difficult things or deal with the pain and responsibility that are part of being an adult so voluntarily watching a film about it was simply more than her little dollhouse could bear.

I simply can't imagine how anyone gets to be my age and manages to dodge responsibility enough to never face the reality of life and the world around us. It must be wonderful to skate through life shielded from everything unpleasant, someone else doing the dirty work while she views everything through a filter of pretty pink happiness.

Amazing.

So, back to the original point of all this. I absolutely refuse to be reduced to being That Guy™. I'm not an obnoxious, spoiled, infantile idiot and I refuse to be lumped in with one by association. It's going to take me a while to find the nerve to go on another date after that, because it's hard to see the point in wasting precious time if that's the best the world can throw my way. Heh.

Things Just Get Better and Better

Last Friday my usual group of close work friends decided we needed to ditch out early and grab a beer. For a while it had been a bit of a tradition, but lately we haven't been doing it as much. So we go, have a few beers, laughs and the usual good time. One of the guys' wife meets up with us near the end and the conversation turns to my house and how she hasn't seen it. So we decided to wrap up there and head back to my place to show it to her. I had mentioned that I recently stocked the place with massive amounts of beer in hopes that we could start having the Friday tradition at my house since it is literally less than 5 minutes from the office, so moving the group there seemed like a great idea.
We head back to my place and when I enter I'm greeted by a surprise party of around 25 of my other friends. Apparently the after work meet up was just a ruse to keep me occupied while the party was set up at my place. Lots of laughs, tons of fun, drinking, etc. Basically a larger version of the same group that surprised me on my birthday last year. I'll have pics up soon and I'll send you those.
The real coup was a cousin of mine who lives in Austin, but I had never gotten around to getting together with, was even there. It was really cool to see him again and the entire thing was a massive, fun surprise.
Unfortunately, it all started so early (6pm) that everyone had pretty much filtered out by 11pm. But it was really cool to have that many people putting that much effort into throwing a surprise party for me. And it was nice to break the house in and start the tradition of get-togethers at my place.
The only pain came later when 3 of us headed downtown to wind the night up with a little clubbing. Our group crossed paths with a group of girls. We chatted, danced and exchanged a few pics. One of them really had me spun.




Afterwards, a friend said:
"Jeff vs any cute girls: talkative, funny, even can be smart-alecky and no problem flirting.
Jeff vs hawt asian girls: uhh duhh hyuhhh!!"

Which is exactly how that night went. So I spent the rest of the weekend kicking myself for not having the cajones to even ask for the digits. Since it was a random encounter in a club, I'll never cross paths with her again and I didn't even catch her name amidst the pounding music.

So yeah, I completely, epically, failed my "Always seize the moment" maxim.

Which also gets me edgy because I'm still trying to focus on the fact that even if I get what I want, I end up unhappy so I need to focus on where I'm at, how happy I am and the things that I know will keep me happy long term. Basically the same struggle I went through a few months ago when someone caught my attention. Funny how I meet girls all the time (like the ones in the pics I sent) and it has no effect on me. Then particular ones will come along and it completely screws with my head. I know that they'll only make me miserable, but I make myself miserable if I can't get their attention. hehe. It's a sick cycle. Heh.

But Saturday night I went to the show. Definitely one of the best times I've had with it. It put me exactly where I needed to be. There's usually a moment in all of it where it's not too intense, where it's hitting me just right and I can't help but think "This is exactly how I wish I could feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year for the rest of my life". Great stuff.

That was pretty much the weekend. Great times... with a side order of pangs that'll take a little while to wear off.

You're Always With Me

"So basically... it's perfect."

Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".

---

Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do

I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead

Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?

What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.

---

---

The Death of Sex

03.17.2008
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...

I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.

One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.

So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?

Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)

One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).

Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.

Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)

If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)

So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)

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Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away

With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain

I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.

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