Things Just Get Better and Better

Last Friday my usual group of close work friends decided we needed to ditch out early and grab a beer. For a while it had been a bit of a tradition, but lately we haven't been doing it as much. So we go, have a few beers, laughs and the usual good time. One of the guys' wife meets up with us near the end and the conversation turns to my house and how she hasn't seen it. So we decided to wrap up there and head back to my place to show it to her. I had mentioned that I recently stocked the place with massive amounts of beer in hopes that we could start having the Friday tradition at my house since it is literally less than 5 minutes from the office, so moving the group there seemed like a great idea.
We head back to my place and when I enter I'm greeted by a surprise party of around 25 of my other friends. Apparently the after work meet up was just a ruse to keep me occupied while the party was set up at my place. Lots of laughs, tons of fun, drinking, etc. Basically a larger version of the same group that surprised me on my birthday last year. I'll have pics up soon and I'll send you those.
The real coup was a cousin of mine who lives in Austin, but I had never gotten around to getting together with, was even there. It was really cool to see him again and the entire thing was a massive, fun surprise.
Unfortunately, it all started so early (6pm) that everyone had pretty much filtered out by 11pm. But it was really cool to have that many people putting that much effort into throwing a surprise party for me. And it was nice to break the house in and start the tradition of get-togethers at my place.
The only pain came later when 3 of us headed downtown to wind the night up with a little clubbing. Our group crossed paths with a group of girls. We chatted, danced and exchanged a few pics. One of them really had me spun.




Afterwards, a friend said:
"Jeff vs any cute girls: talkative, funny, even can be smart-alecky and no problem flirting.
Jeff vs hawt asian girls: uhh duhh hyuhhh!!"

Which is exactly how that night went. So I spent the rest of the weekend kicking myself for not having the cajones to even ask for the digits. Since it was a random encounter in a club, I'll never cross paths with her again and I didn't even catch her name amidst the pounding music.

So yeah, I completely, epically, failed my "Always seize the moment" maxim.

Which also gets me edgy because I'm still trying to focus on the fact that even if I get what I want, I end up unhappy so I need to focus on where I'm at, how happy I am and the things that I know will keep me happy long term. Basically the same struggle I went through a few months ago when someone caught my attention. Funny how I meet girls all the time (like the ones in the pics I sent) and it has no effect on me. Then particular ones will come along and it completely screws with my head. I know that they'll only make me miserable, but I make myself miserable if I can't get their attention. hehe. It's a sick cycle. Heh.

But Saturday night I went to the show. Definitely one of the best times I've had with it. It put me exactly where I needed to be. There's usually a moment in all of it where it's not too intense, where it's hitting me just right and I can't help but think "This is exactly how I wish I could feel every second of every minute of every hour of every day of every week of every year for the rest of my life". Great stuff.

That was pretty much the weekend. Great times... with a side order of pangs that'll take a little while to wear off.

You're Always With Me

"So basically... it's perfect."

Words spoken by a friend of mine. We recently stayed up way too late on a school night, catching up on stories from the recent past and dealing some heavy stuff that he's having to endure. Interesting to not be the one falling apart for once. And a little sad too. I continue to feel less and less like my deeply emotional, endlessly romantic, blissfully manic self. I'm happier... but sadder too.
In the midst of the discussion about life, love, happiness and pleasure I couldn't help but give a brief account of how our interactions have been over the last few years and how they, surprisingly (and somewhat intimately), continue to this day. He knew of you back when we were "we" and he was shocked that we still communicate, especially this frequently and this deeply.
At some point he surmises "So basically... it's perfect. You have this person... who is in your life, but not really *in* it. And she may never get any closer and may never leave... You have these feelings for someone that will never fade because you were left with them right when they were at their strongest... and you can never grow tired of her or have her destroy what you feel because it will never be realized. It's galvanized and will always be to you what it was then. What it is now, what you feel now, will be exactly what you'll feel forever. This person that can be the focal point of all this idealized romantic energy that you have, that we all have, but that it seems really important for you specifically to tap into from time to time. So you have this person that can reinforce that... maybe forever... and unlike every actual relationship that everyone has, this one can't dull or diminish over time. Either of you can go to it whenever you want and get this little charge of exactly what everyone wants from love and romance... because you'll always remind each other of that time and that time was all about what everyone is looking for... that bliss. So basically... it's perfect."
Interesting to think, from the viewpoint of someone who has known me for years and has seen the ways in which I've ravaged myself in the name of love, that maybe this distance, this lack of true, close, intimacy might be the only way for me to find balance with it.
I don't think he's off the mark at all. I'm well aware that I (and I stated in the very first post here that I knew in advance I would) romanticize things and paint them to be ideal, overlooking the truth if it doesn't make me happy. You... or we... whatever... have definitely become my sort of "catch all" for anything that hits me emotionally. And whether it's accurate or not, it's manageable in a way that I find very comforting.
When people tell me stories about love or loss, I always manufacture the picture in my mind with you... thinking of the happiness or sadness in relation to how it would hit me were it you.
You're in the eyes of every beautiful woman I see. Every strand of long, dark hair becomes yours, gliding over my face in the summer wind. Each smooth, tan curve of skin is yours, beneath my fingertips, lips or tongue.
When I'm with my friends... "Boy's time" when we're drinking in both alcohol and beautiful women... there always seems to be a moment. We'll see someone extremely striking and I know exactly the thoughts going through all of our heads.
"I wonder what she would feel like pressed naked against me."
Only, I already know. :)
"I wonder what it would be like to walk up to her and have her smile just to see me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to feel her move beneath me."
I know.
"I wonder what it would be like to be the one she says 'I love you' to"
I know.
So, my friend seems to be right. I have the perfect template to compare everything to... to empathize with... and it never has to fade.
I'm happy about that, cause some people may not ever get to say "I know".

---

Jonas Steur feat. Jennifer Rene - Fall to Pieces
Needing a reason for being stuck in this seemingly demeaning whirlwind of ride with you
Longer then faster I try to decide what you're after.
A disaster - is that what you put me through?
oh yeah you do

I'm not free love
So when you leave take the time you need
Cause I'll be gone
So don't come to me and beg to plead

Searching for truth in this twisted environment
I can't believe that I once was inspired by you
But I'll be okay
Poetry means nothing when you love me and leave
You can disappear one day then wear your heart on your sleeve
Do you know what I'm worth? What do you see?

What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
What you're about to say
Hmm... I don't wanna know, I don't wanna know
I don't wanna fall to pieces. I don't wanna fall at all
Go... Away... Just go... I don't wanna fall anymore.

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The Death of Sex

03.17.2008
I remember sitting behind you, holding you w/ my legs wrapped around you, kissing the back of your shoulder.
Feeling ur warmth against my body after we had made love. I remember how good it felt - safe and cozy...

I still have that message in my phone. I read it again when I want to feel a little bit of the intense jolt I got when you sent it.

One thing that makes me a bit sad as I get older is feeling my sex drive melt away. Although I often wonder how much of that is natural and how much is due to the partners that I've had in the last few years and my lack of emotional involvement to this day. I don't think I've been with anyone that had the same effect on me that you did.... actually I know that. As much as I hate to be cliche, I have to admit that I'm very visual and I have to find someone really physically attractive for that... "gravity" to kick in. That attraction that is more powerful than my control.There was also more to it with you. A primal thing. I remember just the smell of your skin, its natural smell, not just your perfume, but the scent of you, was extremely attractive to me, enticing.
I used to remember what you smelled like.
Then for a while it would only come to me in vivid dreams.
Now it's gone completely.
That sucks.

So I think about who I am now and how my sexuality is becoming more muted with each day... only I also can tell that it is still in me. Occasionally I'll see someone who elicits a bit of it in me and I can tell it's still there. So it makes me wonder...
What would have I become if it had been you and I? Would I have become complacent, muted and lost interest as I have with everyone else? Over time would this discontent seep in? I can't imagine it, but would making love to you have become a chore? How long would the intensity that we shared have lasted?

Or would I still be marveling at you? Would I still lie next to you and just look at you as you lay naked before me in the nightime shadows, drinking in your beauty, caressing your every gorgeous curve with my eyes? Would it still be as difficult to be near you and not wish to be as close to you as I possibly could? Would I still see you from across the room at parties and think "My god...."?
I think I know the real answer, but I I'll allow myself to romanticize things and believe something more exhilarating. :)

One of the things I regret is the fact that our limited time meant that I never got to do some of the fun, playful things I had imagined sharing with you one day. I often listen to certain songs and so wish I could share them with you. Just spending lazy moments cuddled up on the couch listening to my favorite things. Songs you'll never hear because they're so far from what you are probably exposed to. (Like the chill track that is playing as I type this... "The Thrillseekers - Escape"... I can only imagine sharing it with you... and if it were while going to the show... well, that would be absolute, pure heaven).

Speaking of the show. I think I'm jonesing to go. I haven't been since I went to Mexico. So I guess that's six weeks now. It's about time again. The person that I'm sort of pseudo-seeing is out of town this weekend so I can go and really enjoy it. I think it says quite a bit that I look forward to doing things like that alone rather than sharing them with the person that's partially in my life.

Yet every time I go I wish you were going too. I always think of you constantly during it all and especially in the afterglow. I guess because it's the only thing that comes close to smothering me in the kind of gooey warmth that I felt with you. MMMMmmmmmm. :)

If we were in a world where wishes could be made and would instantly come true. I'd wish for twelve hours with you. Just have you plop right down in my life today (although I realize that's a bit of a stretch considering your current condition, but I'll play like you're still the person I knew because it's my fantasy so I get to make the rules... heh). I can only imagine the euphoria of being near you again, seeing you, smelling you, tasting you, all while hearing the right sounds, swimming in the right chemicals and feeling what I sometimes desperately wish I could feel again. The high of you. :)

So I'll go to the show and get as close to that as I can. :)

---

Jes Brieden - Imagination
I can tell in your eyes exactly where you go
cause I have been to every distant constellation to see you again
in the world of my mind theres nothing I wouldn't do to cast away

With every thought our journey begins again
and we will go on chasing the endless spots of creation that hold me for hours
theres a rising sun along the dark horizon
as I'm driving through the flow of the rain

I know its like a trip for me too far
moving forward, faster, into my imagination
let it run away with me
you know your love is perfect like the stars
when we're together here in my imagination
let it run away with me, away with me
away with me, away with me, away with me, away with me,
away wïth me.

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Torrents of Spring

"Am I a bad woman?"
- Maria Nikolaevna (Turgenev)

Today is a perfect and interesting day. Packing up the place and getting ready for the house. Perfect temperature outside with overcast skies keeping it cozy but not hot. A nice breeze is pouring in through all the open windows and music fills the place. And then a few words shared with you puts a nice layer of icing over the top of it all. I think it's funny how even after all this time, sharing a tiny moment with you like today's back and forth gives me this certain feeling of happiness that nothing else does. Unlocking that hidden little part that will always be yours, I guess. :)

Sometimes you say things that reflect many of my thoughts during the days/weeks/months between our little conversations. As I'm prone to saying lately "My life is as good as it was when you were in it... almost" :)
Pretty much exactly what you say... that you're happy... mostly. I completely understand that and feel the same.

From time to time I've wondered "what if" and tried to picture where we would be right now. Almost 6 years later... so... we'd be married, probably for about 4 years by now. And the places I have gone in between... the cruises, swims in both oceans, nights under the stars on beaches, endless trips to the show and the afterglow... all would have been with you.
And the plan for a child would happen in the next year. I'm even more sure that's not what I want in my life now, but I do wonder if that would have changed were we together. My love for you made me so happy that I would have done anything to see you happy in return... so it's hard not to wonder...

But, I also think about where I'm at right now and how you leaving was directly/indirectly responsible for that. If you had stayed I wouldn't have come to Austin, wouldn't have ended up in my dream job and wouldn't have met some of my current friends that will probably be around forever. And even if you left but we had stayed together long distance then I probably would have ended up in Boulder... and again, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.
True, I could have ended up in some other wonderful job, some other great house with different friends... but I guess it's a bit harder to play the "what if" game when your real life is very good. :)

As for my image of you... I really don't think you have to worry about that. I think I actually have a really good idea of who you are. I think I knew it even back then... you're different now, but I could see how special you were and would be. Although you made decisions that I wished you hadn't, I think I could see in you the person that you are now and I knew that was the person I was looking for... you just didn't know it yourself yet.
I think that was the real tragedy for me. Being older, having been through a bit more of life, I was maybe a bit more aware of what the situation was, what it would become and maybe that if we let it slip away then we might forever ask "What if...?"
It was very frustrating being alone in that knowledge. It made it very difficult to accept the situation and I apologize for that.

So my image of you is that you have become (or are becoming) the person that I so badly wanted you to be back then... not that I didn't love you just as you were... I just wanted you to have the same... wisdom? experience?... as me and know that in a few years there will be a small void that might last forever if you left.

You aren't a bad person, you're just a person like everyone else and we all have... I wouldn't say regrets, that's too strong... but we all wonder if the decisions we made were always the right ones. Sometimes it's easy to know, sometimes not. I think ultimately I'm a better person for having known you, having lost you and having to pick myself up afterward. I still think I have a long way to go to be a good person, but I do worry that I would be nowhere near the man I am now if you and I had stayed together. I probably wouldn't have been able to give you the happiness you deserved. That isn't meant to say that you were bad for me... rather *I* was bad for me and I think I needed a few years of having everything stripped from me to come to grips with who I really was and how far that person was from the one I wanted to be.

The one thing that I do feel really good about is that I can go through the rest of my life knowing that I at least tried. I asked you simply "Stay"... just for a little while so that we would know. I wasn't manipulative and I didn't hold it against you when you said you couldn't. So now when I hear stories of people letting love slip away I can at least know that I didn't stand by and let it go quietly without saying boldly what I felt and what I wanted. :)

When I'm in Dallas I often have to take the Knox-Henderson exit from 75 and every time I do I replay the conversation we had as we took that ramp on the way to Samba/Milk... about long distance and how you asked if I could wait 6 months to see you again... "I could do 6 months standing on my head... as long as I knew you were out there and that I would see you again". That was a great moment. :)

So be happy and know that I'm always here and that you're not alone in the way you feel. :)

And now, since it just came up in the playlist, says exactly how I felt back then and was something I played during that night at The Orchid Bar when I so wished you had been there to share it:

---

Olive - You're Not Alone
In a way, it's all a matter of time
I will not worry for you, You'll be just fine
Take my thoughts with you, and when you look behind
You will surely see a face that you recognize

You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me

It is the distance, that makes life a little hard
Two minds that once were close, Now so many miles apart
I will not falter though, I'll hold on till you're home
Safely back where you belong, And see how our love has grown

You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time
Open your mind, Surely it's plain to see
You're not alone, I'll wait till the end of time for you
Open your mind, Surely there's time to be with me

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Another Time, Another Place

Early morning moments, 5am on a flight back from Veracruz, Mexico. Watching the sunrise after a weekend of crashing waves, Cirque du Soleil, sunning at poolside, 2 trips to the show at the water's edge and again feeling as though I'm going through the motions, living the moments, but still missing something to make them complete. It was a nice trip, but...




And now another odd predicament. An ex's best friend is getting married. A month ago we met them in San Antonio to be introduced to the new man. In the process the bride's (married) sister came along. I developed a little crush and could tell there was some mutuality to it. I could make her laugh while her husband seemed to only annoy her.
The bride has now asked me to compose something for her to walk down the aisle to as she isn't fond of the traditional wedding march. So I dragged a melody out that I wrote 20+ years ago but never found a home for. Only I find the real inspiration in it all being driven by the little sister. So there I will be, at a wedding (always a favorite romantic venue for me) with an ex, watching the ex's best friend marry to music that I wrote, all inspired by the bride's married little sister.

Heh. Gotta love how I can never just keep anything simple.

Trying to get the house ready, get packed, get moved, buy furniture, etc etc etc. There is a ton to do and not enough time to do it. But once it's all done I'll be much happier

Tummy Temptation

I have always proudly pronounced myself to be (and anyone who knows me well can readily attest to the fact that I am) an ass man. Heh. But something interesting happened recently and it got me thinking.

I was out with friends, just a normal night out with a mixed group of guys/girls.. some of them couples, some of us single. Shooting pool, having drinks, lots of laughs, etc. There was one woman in the group, she was there with her boyfriend but there was an interesting thing going on between us. The fun flirty stuff that I really like because it's enjoyable but doesn't get messy. At one point cameras were out and pictures were being taken. She came over to me, wrapped her arm around my neck and said she wanted a picture with me. In the midst of posing I wrapped one arm around her and planted the other on her stomach. It was smooth, firm and incredibly attractive through the cloth of her top.
I then realized that about a month ago I had a similar experience. Someone I've known for a couple of years through work ran into my group in a downtown bar. She was fairly lit and let me know something that a friend of hers had actually revealed to me months ago, that she has had a crush on me since we first met. It was funny to run into her out of the blue. At some point a little making out ensues, but she's so lit that I'm more concerned with making sure she's okay and that she gets home safely with her friends. During the course of what was essentially me keeping her steady while we waited for her friends to bring the car around the same thing happened. My hands on her flat, firm stomach. Again, it was powerfully attractive.

I didn't give either episode much thought until a few nights ago when I had a somewhat vivid dream where I was kissing a woman (unknown) down her stomach. Again, flat, firm, smooth and very attractive. I remember being intensely attracted by every aspect of it.

I never really thought much about how attractive a nice midriff can be on a woman, but then I remembered the moment when I knew I suddenly wanted you. It was the night on the terrace under the stars. Same situation, we were holding hands, arms around each other loosely during the night and then at some point as I held you I put my palm flat against your stomach. I remember that the firm, smoothness of it affected me intensely. I wanted you more than anything at that moment. It was exactly at that moment that I went from finding you attractive and toying with fun little fantasies of what it would be like to sleep with you, to absolutely, positively, undeniably having to have you.

So, I guess I must have a pretty strong thing for sexy tummies. Heh.



Looking forward to the weekend. Going back up to D. I promised a friend that I'd take her to this sushi place over Christmas, but our schedules didn't line up so she then made me promise to come back "during Q1" for a rain check. That will be cool, but what I'm really looking forward to is something else that I didn't get around to during my holiday trips up: dinner at Ferrari's. I've been a few times since you and I went, usually making a point of going on my birthday or when I'm in town for Christmas, but this year it managed to slip by. Like always, it'll be fun to be in the places where we spent some time, especially ones where we closed the place down after 5 hours of conversation. Heh.

Recollection

Funny, I always seem to want to come here and say "I'm in an odd place lately", but if I'm always in an odd place then that must be the norm, and not odd at all.

Mostly I feel somewhat sedated. I'm wondering if the intoxication of success has evaporated after 6 months of a very high period. I hope not, but there are lots of good things going on that I'm not quite appreciating like I should. I think I'm mostly just stressing about the big decisions I've made recently and the responsibilities/ramifications they entail. The move toward the house is still marching steadily on, but I have yet to feel really elated by it. I should. I'll love the place and it will finally give me a sense of permanence that I've known I've wanted for years.

I'm not getting enough done (as usual) and seem to be having a hard time feeling really excited about anything. I feel muted and I hope that isn't going to last.

There is one odd aspect to life right now. Although I'm still very much not interested in anything resembling a relationship I am involved in a purely physical (for me) thing which feels very out of character, very hollow. It barely serves its purpose and probably mostly just makes me remember what it's like to be with someone body, heart, mind and soul... instead of only sharing (a part) of my body. It doesn't make me sad or lonely or anything, it just doesn't feel like me since I'm so completely uninvolved on any deeper level. At times it makes things more complicated than I wish to endure, which only serves to remind me how I no longer see a relationship that is on a deeper level being worth the effort. The return just isn't there for me anymore.

One interesting thing that happened this week... I heard from a friend that I used to be very close to until a couple of years ago. Our lives just sort of drifted apart. After talking to him I thought about other friends that have come and gone in a similar manner. Specifically Jimmy D, the guy who drove us to MilkBar as I laid with my (drunken) head in your lap, my face awash with your gentle kisses. I haven't talked to him in years, like so many others. It made me realize that what I really wish I could have is a big party with all the friends that have ever meant something to be there together. I guess if one is vigilant enough it's possible to keep all your best friends in your life eternally. I'm not good at that, so people drift away. There are times when I desperately wish I could have them all together again, just for a few hours to hear their voices, share the inside jokes again and to be reminded of who I was when they made up my life. I really have no powerful bonds with anyone right now. Most of the time that feels comfortable, but sometimes I miss it.

Oh, and another note. J & K, the couple you met at lunch that one afternoon, for whom I was the Best Man... they're calling it quits after 10 years. Not sure why that's worth mentioning... maybe just that nothing lasts and that always seems to eat away at me a little bit.


And, as always, a song I stumbled upon recently that evokes some very specific thoughts of a time long ago...

---

Leama & Moore feat. Rushmore - Distance Between Us
What's left for me? I feel so lonely
It's hard to make a choice beyond me
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow, I know you won't change

I'll lie, you said
I'm changing on my ways
Take time to bring a choice that haunts me
Won't you run? Won't you stay?
Don't you run again
Don't you run from me

So plain to see as distance comes between us in your eyes
You say "A choice beyond me"
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow
I know you won't stay... know you won't stay

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