Thursday, February 21, 2008

Tummy Temptation

I have always proudly pronounced myself to be (and anyone who knows me well can readily attest to the fact that I am) an ass man. Heh. But something interesting happened recently and it got me thinking.

I was out with friends, just a normal night out with a mixed group of guys/girls.. some of them couples, some of us single. Shooting pool, having drinks, lots of laughs, etc. There was one woman in the group, she was there with her boyfriend but there was an interesting thing going on between us. The fun flirty stuff that I really like because it's enjoyable but doesn't get messy. At one point cameras were out and pictures were being taken. She came over to me, wrapped her arm around my neck and said she wanted a picture with me. In the midst of posing I wrapped one arm around her and planted the other on her stomach. It was smooth, firm and incredibly attractive through the cloth of her top.
I then realized that about a month ago I had a similar experience. Someone I've known for a couple of years through work ran into my group in a downtown bar. She was fairly lit and let me know something that a friend of hers had actually revealed to me months ago, that she has had a crush on me since we first met. It was funny to run into her out of the blue. At some point a little making out ensues, but she's so lit that I'm more concerned with making sure she's okay and that she gets home safely with her friends. During the course of what was essentially me keeping her steady while we waited for her friends to bring the car around the same thing happened. My hands on her flat, firm stomach. Again, it was powerfully attractive.

I didn't give either episode much thought until a few nights ago when I had a somewhat vivid dream where I was kissing a woman (unknown) down her stomach. Again, flat, firm, smooth and very attractive. I remember being intensely attracted by every aspect of it.

I never really thought much about how attractive a nice midriff can be on a woman, but then I remembered the moment when I knew I suddenly wanted you. It was the night on the terrace under the stars. Same situation, we were holding hands, arms around each other loosely during the night and then at some point as I held you I put my palm flat against your stomach. I remember that the firm, smoothness of it affected me intensely. I wanted you more than anything at that moment. It was exactly at that moment that I went from finding you attractive and toying with fun little fantasies of what it would be like to sleep with you, to absolutely, positively, undeniably having to have you.

So, I guess I must have a pretty strong thing for sexy tummies. Heh.



Looking forward to the weekend. Going back up to D. I promised a friend that I'd take her to this sushi place over Christmas, but our schedules didn't line up so she then made me promise to come back "during Q1" for a rain check. That will be cool, but what I'm really looking forward to is something else that I didn't get around to during my holiday trips up: dinner at Ferrari's. I've been a few times since you and I went, usually making a point of going on my birthday or when I'm in town for Christmas, but this year it managed to slip by. Like always, it'll be fun to be in the places where we spent some time, especially ones where we closed the place down after 5 hours of conversation. Heh.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Recollection

Funny, I always seem to want to come here and say "I'm in an odd place lately", but if I'm always in an odd place then that must be the norm, and not odd at all.

Mostly I feel somewhat sedated. I'm wondering if the intoxication of success has evaporated after 6 months of a very high period. I hope not, but there are lots of good things going on that I'm not quite appreciating like I should. I think I'm mostly just stressing about the big decisions I've made recently and the responsibilities/ramifications they entail. The move toward the house is still marching steadily on, but I have yet to feel really elated by it. I should. I'll love the place and it will finally give me a sense of permanence that I've known I've wanted for years.

I'm not getting enough done (as usual) and seem to be having a hard time feeling really excited about anything. I feel muted and I hope that isn't going to last.

There is one odd aspect to life right now. Although I'm still very much not interested in anything resembling a relationship I am involved in a purely physical (for me) thing which feels very out of character, very hollow. It barely serves its purpose and probably mostly just makes me remember what it's like to be with someone body, heart, mind and soul... instead of only sharing (a part) of my body. It doesn't make me sad or lonely or anything, it just doesn't feel like me since I'm so completely uninvolved on any deeper level. At times it makes things more complicated than I wish to endure, which only serves to remind me how I no longer see a relationship that is on a deeper level being worth the effort. The return just isn't there for me anymore.

One interesting thing that happened this week... I heard from a friend that I used to be very close to until a couple of years ago. Our lives just sort of drifted apart. After talking to him I thought about other friends that have come and gone in a similar manner. Specifically Jimmy D, the guy who drove us to MilkBar as I laid with my (drunken) head in your lap, my face awash with your gentle kisses. I haven't talked to him in years, like so many others. It made me realize that what I really wish I could have is a big party with all the friends that have ever meant something to be there together. I guess if one is vigilant enough it's possible to keep all your best friends in your life eternally. I'm not good at that, so people drift away. There are times when I desperately wish I could have them all together again, just for a few hours to hear their voices, share the inside jokes again and to be reminded of who I was when they made up my life. I really have no powerful bonds with anyone right now. Most of the time that feels comfortable, but sometimes I miss it.

Oh, and another note. J & K, the couple you met at lunch that one afternoon, for whom I was the Best Man... they're calling it quits after 10 years. Not sure why that's worth mentioning... maybe just that nothing lasts and that always seems to eat away at me a little bit.


And, as always, a song I stumbled upon recently that evokes some very specific thoughts of a time long ago...


Leama & Moore feat. Rushmore - Distance Between Us
What's left for me? I feel so lonely
It's hard to make a choice beyond me
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow, I know you won't change

I'll lie, you said
I'm changing on my ways
Take time to bring a choice that haunts me
Won't you run? Won't you stay?
Don't you run again
Don't you run from me

So plain to see as distance comes between us in your eyes
You say "A choice beyond me"
Distance between us been sharing all my days
Wish I could follow
I know you won't stay... know you won't stay





Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Resolute

You asked if I had any resolutions for the new year. I really never think about things like that, but I answered in the last comments and oddly enough, I've already managed (or am well underway in the process) to complete one. I've bought a house.

Great place, huge (2250+ sq ft) and in a fantastic, quaint little neighborhood that makes you want to walk around in the warm twilight air. My friends call it "Stars Hollow" due to its similarity to the community in Gilmore Girls. I'm happy about it. It'll be nice to have my own place. Although I'm not sure if buying a house will break my other resolution, to keep from complicating my life. Heh. But I know that this move is a positive one.

Other aspects of life continue to roll along happily and smoothly. Job is still great, friends are great, side business just had an incredible year (10x from last year) and is already on pace to do the same this year. So, I continue to be surprised at how happy I am. And, for once, I don't find myself fearful of "when the other shoe will drop" as you put it. I am so in the moment... and the moment is good.

Oh, but I mentioned in the last comments that I had something else to post. Just something that went through my mind sort of out of nowhere. For some reason I thought about your parents and how I'm sure they were thrilled when you told them you were getting married... and how thrilled I am sure they were when you told them you were having another baby... just like I'm sure they were elated when you told them you were having the first one. I can't really explain it, but you came up in a conversation I had with my mom over Thanksgiving. She never met you, but she knows of you, knows the impact we had on me, knows how much of my life during the years from 02-06 was shaped and affected by your brief time in it. I thought about how we have this little private place, how we've maintained a connection and are still aware of each other's lives. When I look back on my life in 20 years, or 40 years, memories of us will always be an important part of the whole story, no matter where I end up.

So it's odd to realize that to everyone in your life now (other than you) I am essentially non-existent. I hold no more relevance than anyone else that you dated once or twice, a brief boyfriend that your parents never even met, now completely inconsequential and forgotten. I can't really explain it, just that anyone who sees your life now would look at your husband and your two children as the major factors in it, and rightly so. As if that is the summation of your story. Yet there is this little portal of only 2 months which happened years ago and on the other side of it was this huge impact on another life. It's just odd to realize that for everyone we meet there is so much more of a story in their lives that we can't see by just looking at who they are at that moment.

I'm still not really getting the thought across, I guess I'm just not in the right frame of mind to make it clear. Perhaps it's like a play... one sees the actors, hears their words and goes home remembering the spectacle of the show, oblivious to the writers and stage hands who, while not seen or considered, played a part in the production.


Life Without Tiffany - Candyflip
pull me down (again)
from the clouds (again)
standing on the sidelines (again)
waiting for the right time (and when)
I can play (again)
in her game (and win)
stars are lining up right (again)
but missing one from that night (pretend)

she's in space (again)
found her place (again)
sure she's got the right one (in him)
now her life is set to (begin)

to the show (again)
heart is on (the mend)
the candyflip of chemicals (within)
the only bliss that I know (won't end)





Saturday, December 29, 2007

The Circle Continues

Days before Christmas I got a call from my mom. Her boss gave her tickets to use his AA Center skybox for the Mav's game on Friday so she asked if I wanted to drive up early and go. I don't care about basketball, but I can never resist a posh event so I went. I realized on the way up that the last time I was in a suite at the AA Center was as a guest of the owner of the company where you and I met. It was on a really bad day when things had started down the path of my demise in the company which came about 2 weeks later.

It was interesting to realize that I was once again treading some of the exact same paths that I did 5 years ago, but the difference in life then and now, the difference in my current upward skyrocket and the downward spiral of those days is easy to appreciate. It was a nice night but hard to shake the memories of how nasty things were about to get the last time I had this view:

(click to enlarge)



I'm not sure if you come here these days. No comments from you in a while. I know that your work life was getting a little sketchy the last time we spoke, I hope nothing bad has happened. I know all too well how worrying about your livelihood can wreak havoc on things. Maybe you're just staying quiet. In any case, I'll continue to post here when I have something to share. If you aren't in a place where you can stop by right now it'll all be here later when you can.

Christmas was okay. I've been to the show 3 times in the last month. Probably going to go one more time before NYE. That's actually been the highpoint of the holidays for me. Every time I've gone it's been with close friends, and even a few who have never gone before. Tons of fun as always.

Supposed to hang out with the same group of friends that made my birthday so fantastic this NYE so it'll be a ton of fun. I've managed to procure 5 bottles of Veuve for the occasion due to some funny circumstances which dropped a bottle in my lap here and there. Funny how it has become iconic and a symbol of comparison for life now vs. 3 or 4 years ago.

I continue to be incredibly happy. This has been a really, really good year.

I hope all is well and you got everything you wanted for Christmas. I'll give you a little thought when I kiss whomever is nearest at the stroke of midnight on NYE.

Monday, December 3, 2007

(Almost) Full Circle

When I texted you Friday night it was only half way through the evening, otherwise I would have had even more to say about the night and how great it was.

A group of friends (15 or so) surprised me with a party downtown. Started with drinks and then a comedy skit show. One member of our group even got recruited to go on stage, which was great because he was actually a friend of a friend and easily the most reserved of the bunch. We thought he was going to be irritated about it but he ended up having a great time.

After the show we decided to hit a club. I had a really nice, new, high-end place in mind but one of the group pointed out that his friend was spinning at another place on the way to my suggestion. We had been there a week earlier and he did a great job, plus the place was perfect for the group we had going, so I was totally on board for that again. The friend called ahead and the DJ sent someone down to comp the entire group. We went upstairs and ended up on an outdoor terrace with the entire "VIP" area surrounding the DJ to ourselves. At this point I decided that champagne was in order. I tried to order a few bottles without everyone knowing so that I could pay for it but as soon as my friends found out they said they were having none of that. So 6 bottles of my favorite champagne rolled out to the group and I suddenly realized... Here I am, surrounded by a huge group of friends, all about to toast me and our friendship on a rooftop terrace under the stars. Life is good, the job is good, home is good, I'm happy and have (almost) everything I had before. In that moment, with my flute raised, looking at all the smiles around me I realized that it truly has come full circle... almost. :)

We had a fantastic time. The DJ spun us a great set. We drank, danced, laughed, hugged and everyone went home with huge smiles on their faces. And for me it meant even more (which I tried to convey in my toast to all of them), but I think only you and Ang could possibly relate to the impact the moment had on me.

It was easily the best night I've had since I moved here and one of the best of my life.

Still not in the top 3 though.

Almost. :)


Frou Frou - It's Good to be in Love
I don't know where to start
Say I’m tired or throw a party
These cucumber eyes are lying the more that I smile about it.
And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways
I don't like it.

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I'm adoring you.
It's all good.
You're so beautiful.
I'm black and blue all over.
You're breaking my flow, how could you know what I'm saying about it?
When all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways.
I don't like it

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.

I feel so powerless
I've got to stop it somehow
oh come on, what can I do?

Why's it happening?
How's it happening without me?
Why's it happening?
How's it happening that (s)he feels without me?

It's good to be in love.
It really does suit you... just like everything.
I'm happy you're in love, 'cause every color goes where you do.





Monday, November 26, 2007

Retrospect

First, I've answered your last question in the comments for the previous post. Sorry, I didn't see it there for a while.

The Thanksgiving week was a unique one this year. My parents are in a new place, which is in the heart of the area my friends and I frequented right before I left. The house is big, quiet and affords me a ton of privacy. I stay down on one end, sort of my own "wing", so it was a great place to decompress.

I decided this time I would actually see all my old friends. We always say we're going to get together, but when the time comes everyone is already booked with plans. It was a little odd though, and added to the intensity of the "coming home" feeling that was pervasive throughout the week. Seeing the friends I was around before I left and going to the places where we used to go was a very powerful reminder. Part of me felt like I could take a different turn at a stoplight and go right back to my old home there.

All the nights were with friends you had met. We went to some of the same restaurants and the Mojitos flowed endlessly. Except for the cold it was very much like those nights 5 years ago. At one point Ang even referenced you, playfully calling you "[your name] Milkbar" as a nod to that night when everyone was together.

Since I was in the area I decided to swing by and take a few pics. They aren't as good as I wanted, but they capture the place pretty well. The memory is probably really faded for you by now, but maybe these will ring a bell.


Click to see full-sized images










All of this had me thinking on the way home, partly due to your question on the previous post and your messages during the week. Usually I'll post lyrics here to wrap up each post, a bit trite, I know, but at least (I think) they tend to be from songs off the beaten path so maybe you'll look them up and get exposed to something you wouldn't have heard otherwise.
I also realized that I tend to use music like photographs, capturing moments very succinctly. Even though these songs may not represent what I feel now, they do a nice job of expressing what I felt at one time, even if they are new or something that I hadn't yet heard when the memories were made. If I hear something today that makes me think "I remember feeling that" then I can relate.



So here are a few:
VNV Nation - Beloved
"My beloved do you know that when the warm wind comes again, another year will start to pass?"
Lifehouse - Everything
"How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?"
VNV Nation - Standing Still
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anything.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear.
And fighting time so hard I pray that this moment lasts forever."

Hooverphonic - Renaissance Affair
"I miss you all the time I must face
I miss your touch and your embrace"

Onyx Whisper - The Second Song
"And she's laying so softly, next to me
whispering things I used to only hear in my dreams.
She makes love so slowly, so subtly
washed in blue as she moves under me."
Oceanlab - Sky Falls Down
"You know when it hits you, you know when you feel it, there's no mistaking when you fall."
Ascension - For a Lifetime
"The world I cling to is the world where you will always walk with me."
Matthew Good - Weapon
"Here by my side, an angel"




Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Inconsiderate

Last Friday I went to a blowout party at a coworker's house. I had hoped to turn it into an excuse to act upon a little infatuation I had growing, but it didn't work out. For the best. I was getting distracted and losing sight of the fact that I'm happy and complicating my life will only ruin that. But it concerns me that I've obviously not completely learned that lesson and still have this addiction to the attention of beautiful women. The thing I can't figure out is what triggers it. I've seen gorgeous women every day for months. I notice them, smile because I'm happy, then in a very "unlike me" way, go on about my life without discontent.
But then a certain someone catches my eye and it's hard to shake. The need to engage the person, the need to be noticed. I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out what it is that causes that click. If it's the person, something special about them, or if it's me, where I'm at, what I'm feeling. Or maybe it's just timing. Maybe I'm more susceptible at times.

Anyway. None of that is important. What is important is that once the party did come around I was back in my old mindset. No hope of meeting, no desire to do so. Just hanging out with friends, drinking, dancing and actually getting to throw out a few songs that got the place going wild. It's always nice when people who have never seen me socially are completely taken aback when my party persona breaks out. And it's especially nice to be able to dance and have people clap and cheer because you're good at it.

Afterwards I was chastised by a friend's wife. Told that my current friendship with my ex is a very inconsiderate thing to be doing. I didn't take it to heart too deeply because I know I'm not rampaging on anyone's emotions, but it's still hard to know 100% for sure that I'm navigating safely and not letting loose harm into the world that might come back to haunt me.

"It's so totally obvious that she's still completely in love with you"

The chain is forever strong.


Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and i won't know
But you weren't happy the day i watched you go.

And all the things that i wish i had not said,
Are played in loops till it's madness in my head.

is it too late to remind you how we were?
But not our last days of silent screaming blur.

Most of what i remember makes me sure
I should've stopped you from walking out the door.

You could be happy i hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything i own, smells of you
and for the tiniest moment it's all not true.

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think just do

More than anything i want to see you girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world