Sleepless

I'm not sleeping well lately. I'm sure part of it is because I'm spending so much static time as I heal but I know there's more to it. I'm not keeping myself creatively entertained so I'm getting stagnant.

A friend recently brought up the years of artistic endeavors that made up my entire life from 87-94. It prompted me to go dig up a stack of tapes that encompassed all the original music I wrote and recorded in those days. Interesting to go through it all and to be reminded of the inspiration(s) for so much creativity. It also makes it clear how my life now has little of that. That's partly a good thing because that period was so tumultuous and often finding the impetus for creative work (for me) involves some fairly self-destructive behavior. There were even times when I knew I was engaging in bad situations just to fuel my dark, creative side.

But beyond the times that I wouldn't want to relive just for the sake of being creative it paints a sharp contrast on how routine, safe and common my days are now. I guess the unfortunate part of it all is that I only seem to feel tremendous passion in situations that are inevitably negative for my longterm good. I don't want to detour from all the positives my life entails now, but I miss feeling as though I'm doing things that have a bigger impact than just getting through another day in an average life.

Thanks for the song. Interesting to think that lines like that make you think of us. It isn't surprising... and yet it is. I love knowing that I'm the one your mind turns to when people describe things like that. Lately when I go off into thoughts of you it generally involves a spontaneous rendezvous, usually dropping everything to meet in some paradise. Convincing you to set life aside for a few days and spend them here or at some secluded getaway where I can share moments and places with you that I wish I could have during the last few years. At certain times little is said and it doesn't need to be, I'm near you and it feels as natural as it always did. Other times it's hours of conversation on nighttime beaches, at restaurant tables or as we nuzzle together on couches or in bed. But ultimately the part of the fantasy that I like the most is the familiarity of it, how it is almost as though there always was and always will be an "us", we just decide to meet up and be "us" again for a few days, taking a vacation from daily life to actually live. I'm an escapist so it makes sense that would be my thing. :)

Two nights ago I was driving home from a friends house, windows down, sunroof open, perfectly-warm wind whipping through the car as streetlights streaked by. It was easy to think how nice a moment that would be to share with you. Sorry that things are so messed up for you right now. I wish you could just disappear to some peaceful place like the ones I imagine.

I should probably really try to get some sleep.

The Real World

You said that we rarely talk about our current lives when we speak, so here's a little rundown on what's been going on with me. It sort of goes in the opposite direction of what I created this little haven to be, but I guess everything evolves.

I've had a problem with one of my knees for years. A holdover from a youth of BMX and skateboarding. I tweaked it again recently and it kept me off of my feet for a couple of days, worse than ever. It was enough for my doc to finally agree that we should operate. Turns out I had a cartilage tear which they repaired with simple surgery about 2 weeks ago. Since then I've been on the couch. It's cool because I'm able to work remotely so I'm not losing ground at work or anything. In a few weeks, once it's all healed up it'll hopefully put the long-nagging problem behind me for good.

Oddly, the ex ex has been helping out here and there. I've been careful to keep things friendly, just to avoid anything getting messy (and unbalancing karma again). Not to sound arrogant, because she is probably the only ex I would say this about, but I can see that she would still jump at at the chance for us to be "us" again. I'm still very much in my mindset of not wanting to be involved with anyone at all. Funny, cause I've even recently met people which I know I would have been very interested in a few years ago, but now I sort of play the situation out in my head. I think "what would happen if I did get what I want?" and it doesn't take long to come back around to knowing that ultimately it would just make life unbearably complicated and less enjoyable than it is right now.

I know that part of it is also an increasing cynicism. I have a friend of a friend who is recently divorced from her high school sweetheart. So this is sort of her first foray into the world of dating as an adult. She's experiencing things that most of us did in our late teens/early 20's now in her early 30's. Part of this period involves online dating, with which I've had a fair amount of experience and realize seems to create more hope and anticipation than traditional meetings. So each week there's a new infatuation filled with all this hope, promise and excitement for her. I don't take any of it seriously. I'm glad she's having fun, but it's interesting for me to see how my perception is different these days. I guess I have a "have fun while it lasts" attitude... "because nothing ever does". I don't rain on anyone's parade or anything, but I just don't look to love to bring sunshine, rainbows and endless bliss so it's interesting to watch people who are still very invested in making their life "magical" with love as the lynchpin.