It appears that another chapter in my life is closing. My current relationship is ending. It's for the best and has been as painless as possible for everyone so far, but the situation is never an easy one, no matter which side you're on.
So now I'll go into a period of reflection, trying to determine what I've learned, what was right, what was wrong and how it will affect me as I move forward.
For the first time... maybe ever... I have no desire to be involved in anything with anyone right now. Probably not for some time, if at all. Part of me is getting to a point where I'm realizing that I'm not very good in a romantic relationship. Not for me or the other person. I'm good for about 2 weeks, during the real high of "I can't believe this is happening!". Then this fear wraps around everything. Once I have what I want (or at least it appears I'm going to have it) then I become terrified of losing it, of the vulnerable position I've put myself in by needing something/someone. That's the point where I become all the things that no one wants: jealous, possessive, insecure. Then the relationship becomes nothing but misery for me. I remember feeling that start with you. After you had left and you went away for a camping trip for a few days. It was the first time we hadn't talked for hours a day, every day, since we started talking at all. You came back and said one of the sweetest things I've ever heard, but during those short few days without you I remember feeling it crawling up in me and thinking "Here's where the bad part begins. She's precious to me now and I have her, so going forward I'm going to be terrified of losing her."
If the person is strong enough to weather my insecure BS period (usually about 3-4 months, depending on how comfortable the other person makes me) then I seem to slowly degrade into apathy until the relationship disintegrates. This can take years. Long, painful years.
My relationships are also getting shorter. Early on they took about 4 years to run their course. The last couple have only lasted a year or two. Maybe I'm at least learning to end things before those long, painful years drag on. But in any case, I'm realizing that I'm just not a very good romantic partner, not beyond the brief courtship period anyway. So I think I'll spare myself (and everyone else) the emotional turmoil... for a while anyway. And when/if I do decide to jump back in I think I'll preface it by telling the other person to only plan on a couple of weeks of fun, if they need more than that then they should just move along. Heh.
I've thought quite a bit about something a friend said to me once. I was whining about being single and he pointed out that some of the happiest times of my life (true happiness, not the pleasurable infatuations that are more akin to a drug high) have been when I was single. I thought about that and it's completely accurate. You came along at the end of the best period of my life. I remember feeling like something was missing in my life but I mostly remember this great feeling that I was exactly where I wanted to be, lived how I wanted to live and my life was wrapped around me exactly as I wanted it to be. I can feel that starting again. The thing that always seems to ruin those periods is me getting involved with something. Heh.
Interesting that it is happening almost in conjunction with a job change which also makes me very happy. It's as if everything renews at once. It will make it easy to look back and remember exactly when one era ended and another began, easy to compare my happiness before and after.
There's something you should see, if you haven't. It's older, but it's a favorite of mine and I stumbled across it again this weekend. It's called Flirting. Very "me" in an overly-romantic reminiscence sort of way. But near the end there is this sort of "time is short" theme that felt very familiar. Although they try to play off of Kidman's later popularity in the marketing, she has little to do with the story. It's actually about an exotic beauty and a scrawny white boy. Heh. Familiar. Rent it if you can.
Thrillseekers - Getting Away With It
"You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I'm not ashamed of it.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
Don't be afraid of it.
You said I was changing it,
making the pieces fit.
I never thought I did.
Making a fool of you,
scared of what love can do
and getting away with it.
I suppose you're gonna run me down now,
run me down and treat me like a criminal."
Monday, July 23, 2007
Monday, July 2, 2007
Dreams and the Unbroken Chain
My life is interesting these days. I have the job that I always wanted, I'm more successful than I've ever been, I'm financially more stable than ever and (as always) I have plenty of creative outlets in my free time which leave me feeling very fulfilled. But still there is something missing. There always is.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.
I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.
I was talking to a couple of friends at work about how, no matter what the period of our lives, it never seems to line up perfectly so that the best of everything comes at the same time. If you have the right job, it isn't in the right city. If you have the right group of friends, you don't have a romantic companion to make it complete, etc. I guess it's good to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. But I imagine it must be great to be lucky enough to actually have it all line up. And even luckier to recognize it when it happens.
As much as I miss the period of my life a few years ago, it wasn't 100% complete. I loved where I lived, loved my friends, and I loved you. But my professional life was a mess. I hated my job and let it go to ruin because I had no interest in it. I can only imagine how great it would have been to do what I'm doing now, surrounded by everything else being in place. It wasn't perfect then, but it was as close as I've come (as an adult anyway).
These days it's close to being that good, but different aspects are in place now. And, as is probably the nature of man, it's hard not to focus on the things that are out of place. But I think I'm doing a pretty damned good job of recognizing the things that are and how happy they make me.
An offshoot of this is an idea thats been bouncing around my head for a while. My current situation has me in close proximity with not only my current girlfriend, by my previous girlfriend as well. (and there's always you, distant, but forever near in thought)
When I have interactions with my ex there is a little thread of longing that can be detected there. Subtle (or not-so-subtle) flirtations dropped which send the message that a part of her still holds on to me. I can recognize it because it's the same thing that I harbor for you. Just this tiny part of me that says "If things ever change, if you ever decide to turn my way again, know that I'm not far away and maybe the story hasn't seen its final chapter".
So I imagine this chain. This unbroken chain of "unrequite". I wait for you while she waits for me while (I'm sure) someone waits for her while someone waits for that person ad infinitum. How funny it is that everyone seems to have someone that left an empty spot which no one else can ever fill. Then I wonder who you wait for.
I dreamt of you last night. It was one of those "you but not you" kinda things. We were at a work party of mine. Some coworker's house and it was more you were my escort rather than a real date. We were just friends. But every time I would find us alone I would wrap my arms around you and hold you so tight. You held me back but we kept saying things to each other about how "we can't do this". Then each time there were no eyes upon us we would again go from casually holding hands to deep embraces.
I'm sure it's partly a reminiscence of our night on the rooftop, partly the reality which I live in today, but it's always nice to wake with the feeling that you were very nearby again.
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